The Eternal Triangle

Chapter 4 - You Can't Bring Back the Dead

Hermione walked out of the hospital wearily. It was the end of another very long, tiring shift and it was almost midnight. She was looking forward to a nice, relaxing bath and then straight to bed. She was also feeling very guilty about her long absences from Ronnie, her son did not deserve this kind of neglect.

She was determined that things were going to change after she completed her compulsory two year tenure with this hospital which was in another two months. After that, she was moving to a smaller town and a smaller hospital where hopefully, her working hours would be more normal. Then she would have more time for Ronnie.

She smiled thinking of her son, her beautiful little son. Having him in her life kept her sane, kept her centered and gave her a reason to go on living when her sorrow and loneliness threatened to overwhelm her. No matter the circumstances of his conception, he was now the centre of her universe.

"Hermione." The quiet voice stopped her just as she was about to open her car door.

Turning around, she saw a dark, cloaked figure standing a few feet away. "Fred?"

Lowering the hood of his cloak, his bright red hair shone, reflecting the street lights. He didn't move and just stood looking at her. It was too dark for her to make out his face and his silence was making her nervous.

Moving cautiously towards him, she stopped less than a foot away and reached out to touch his arm. "What is it Fred?"

He looked up and she was shocked at the look of despair and sadness on his face. "What happened?" she asked in panic, clutching both his arms.

"George," he managed to choke out and then he was hugging her, burying his head in her hair, his body shaking with sobs.

Oh dear god, don't let George be dead, please don't let him be dead, she thought in panic. She hugged Fred tight, trying to give him comfort and strength, murmuring soothing sounds to him.

Fred finally released her and wiped his face. "You-Know-Who's got him."

She gasped with horror, shaking her head. "Oh dear god, I'm so sorry Fred."

His face suddenly twisted in fury and he shook her hard. "Sorry?! I don't need your 'sorry' Hermione. It's a bit too late for that! You could've stopped this, you, Ron and Harry. But nooo... they let their dicks do their thinking and you - you ran away and left this mess behind. Because of you Luna died, because of you George's been captured, because of you - you ...!" Fred trailed off, then screamed his anguish and fury to the night sky. When he couldn't scream anymore, he dropped down on his hands and knees, his fist pounding the pavement, his whole body shaking and shuddering.

Hermione stood in shock, one hand clutched over her stomach, another over her trembling mouth. Tears were coursing down her cheeks unheeded and she was shaking with her own anguish.

No, it wasn't her fault... it wasn't...

They stayed like that for long minutes. Fred got up slowly and looked at Hermione. "Hurts and feelings heal over time Hermione, but you can't bring back the dead. And as long as You-Know-Who lives, more people are going to die."

He turned and apparated away.

Hermione stayed rooted to the spot, her mind whirling in a thousand different directions. When she finally got over her frozen shock, she walked unsteadily to her car and got in. Laying her head on the steering wheel, she sobbed out all her sorrow, regret, hurt, guilt, confusion and anger over everything that had gone wrong with her life, until she couldn't cry anymore.

'You can't bring back the dead'

A week later Hermione was standing in Grimmauld Place, staring at numbers eleven and thirteen until number twelve appeared. She'd taken a flight from New York and hailed the Knight Bus from Heathrow Airport.

Taking a deep breath, she tapped her wand on the door, disabling the charms and unlocking it. Entering quietly so as not to disturb the portraits, she closed the door and turned around. Standing in the hallway were two men who were staring at her in shock.

The Goddess of Chance was a cruel and vindictive bitch.

"Hello, Remus, Ron." She nodded at them but looked only at Remus Lupin. She wouldn't, she couldn't meet Ron's intense blue eyes or she'd just turn around and run back to New York.

Walking quickly to her, Remus enveloped her in a tight hug. "I'm so glad you're back," he murmured.

When he let her go, her eyes locked with Ron's and time stood still. She didn't know how long they stood just staring at each other. A thousand thoughts swirled in her head and her breath hitched in her throat. He was magnificent! Every inch a man with his height and broad shoulders, the angles of his face harder and mature, a man who had faced tragedy and losses, with an air of confidence he didn't have seven years ago. A man who knew his own worth and was comfortable with his place in the world. Ron had grown up and grown up superbly.

"Hermione," he said, inclining his head slightly.

She gave him a small smile.

"Come, let's go meet everyone," Remus said breaking the silence between them. Looking behind and spying only her small suitcase, he asked, "Is that all your things?"

"Yes, I'm not staying very long."

Frowning, he asked, "Where's your son? Ronnie, isn't it?"

"I - I didn't bring him."

"I see." Remus looked speculatively at her. "Come on then." Picking up her suitcase, he walked towards the kitchen.

"How did you come, by the way?" he asked looking over his shoulder at her.

"I flew in and caught the Knight Bus from the airport."

They'd reach the kitchen by then and Hermione could feel Ron's presence behind her. She didn't know what to say to him and his continued silence unnerved her.

They stepped into the kitchen; Tonks, Molly, Ginny and Fred Weasley were there. Molly came up and hugged her.

"Welcome home, Hermione," she said smiling, though her eyes were suspiciously bright. "Where's Ronnie?"

"I didn't bring him."

Molly looked disappointed and went on, "Who does he look like?"

Without thinking, Hermione answered, "His father." When she realized what she'd said, she coloured in embarrassment.

Giving Hermione a knowing smile, Molly's gaze slid to Ron who was leaning in the doorway.

Tonks came up and gave Hermione a hug and led her to the table. She saw Ginny and smiled, making a move to hug her but stopped when she saw Ginny's cold expression.

"So, Ronnie looks like Harry. Congratulations," Ginny said in an accusing tone, a twisted smile on her lips. "No wonder you didn't want to bring him."

Ginny's words were like a slap to her and she went pale but she refused to back down. She was hoping this particular confrontation wouldn't come so soon, but since it had, she was more than willing to deal with it.

"It's none of your business who Ronnie's father is," she replied to Ginny in a hard tone, her brown eyes boring into Ginny's.

"When my brother's been hurt, it is my business!" Ginny hissed.

Hermione looked at Ginny, then looked around at the rest. Nobody was meeting her eyes and she finally turned to look at Ron who hadn't moved from the doorway.

"Ron, don't you have anything to say?" she asked quietly.

Not quiet meeting her eyes, he shrugged, "Not really." And he turned and walked away.

She followed him out, closing the door behind her. "Ron." He stopped walking but didn't turn around. "I came back because we need to talk. You, me and Harry. I was hoping it didn't have to be immediately but the sooner we clear the air, the sooner we'll be able to - to put things right between us... I hope." Her voice trailed away softly.

He turned around then, his entire body stiff with anger. "You think it's that easy? Talk it out, clear the air and everything can go back to the way it was before? You're nuts! Do you realize what you and Harry did to me? Can you even comprehend how much you hurt me?! Can you?!!"

He had walked back towards her during his rant and was now gripping her arms painfully.

"I loved you, Hermione. I loved you with everything that was in me. I'd do anything for you, sacrifice everything, give my life for you and you betrayed me! With - my - best - friend!!"

Pushing her away in disgust, he spat, "I have nothing to say to you." And he walked away, leaving her alone with her thoughts and her shattered heart.

She walked to the parlour and sank down into a chair, staring out of the window. Her thoughts turned to seven years ago and the events that would crumble her life around her like a deck of cards.

......................................................................

Seven Years Ago

Harry, Ron and Hermione had left Hogwarts a year ago. They were now eighteen and living at 12 Grimmauld Place as they were all members of the Order of the Phoenix. The war with Voldemort was escalating and casualties for both sides were increasing.

The wizarding community was in disarray and the Ministry under Cornelius Fudge was powerless to do anything. Things only got worse following the revolt of the Dementors of Azkaban who left to join Voldemort. The giants too had joined the Dark Lord, increasing his ranks.

Within all this madness, life went on and love still managed to flourish. Ron and Hermione had finally confessed their love for each other at the end of their sixth year and their love had only gotten stronger over the years. Their love and commitment towards each other was the bastion of calm and happiness they both clung to amidst the horrors of war. And they didn't neglect their other best friend either. The trio's love, friendship and loyalty towards each other never wavered, even when Ron and Hermione became a couple.

Harry Potter needed his best friends support more than ever. Each casualty suffered by the Order was like a personal blow to him and he was getting more and more frustrated and angry that the decisive battle between Voldemort and himself had still not occurred. He was taking increasingly crazy chances as though taunting the Dark Lord to face him.

And one day, Harry's luck ran out. He was captured by Lucius Malfoy.

The Order, acting on intelligence from Snape, managed to rescue him... but at great cost to the Order. Albus Dumbledore stepped between the killing curse thrown by Voldemort to Harry and the greatest wizard of the time gave his life for the Boy Who Lived.

Harry was a broken young man after that. Suffering not only from the after effects of the tortures they had put him through, both physical and mental, but also his sense of guilt over Dumbledore's death.

His body slowly recovered but not his mind or spirit. Both Ron and Hermione tried to help him all they could but he rebuffed their every attempt. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone, he was not eating and just stayed holed up in his room. One day Hermione had had enough, Ron tried to stop her but she ignored him and stormed into Harry's room.

"Harry James Potter, get up this very instant and start living again! Or do you intend for Voldemort to win by just wasting away? Are you just going to give up and let Voldemort take over the world?! Do you even care what that would mean for everyone? For Ron, for me, for Ginny, for Remus, for all the Weasleys, for everybody who loves you, dammit!

"Are you going to let the deaths of everyone who's died in this war be for nothing?! They died fighting for a cause they believed in, so this world could be a better place. Are you going to do any less?" Hermione was shaking with anger and frustration.

Harry just turned on his side so that his back was to Hermione.

"Harry, please," she finally pleaded softly. "We need you."

He curled himself in a fetal position on the bed and went on ignoring her.

She stared at him and was at a loss for what to do next. She was hoping he'd get angry at her for yelling at him, she desperately wanted - needed some reaction from him. Sighing sadly, she softly closed the door and walked towards him. Sitting on the bed, she tentatively touched his hunched shoulder.

"Harry?"

When he still didn't respond, she drew back her hand. She wanted to rage, to cry but did neither, just sat there silently, looking at Harry curled up on the bed. She desperately wished there was something she could do to take Harry's pain and grief away, even for a moment. No one deserved to go through what Harry went through. He didn't ask for any of this, he was just eighteen for gods sake! He's had to face more horror, grief and pain than anyone is supposed to go through in entire lifetimes. She wouldn't wish Harry's fate on her worst enemy.

She didn't know how long she sat beside Harry, lost in thought. He straightened his limbs slowly but still didn't turn to face her.

"Go away Hermione," he said softly.

Her eyes prickled with tears at the bleak tone of his voice. "No," she replied determinedly. "I'm going to stay here until you come out with me."

He didn't say anything for long moments. "I'm better off dead you know."

"Harry, no! Don't ever, ever say that!" she said clutching his arm and turning him over to look at her. She met his eyes and her heart broke seeing the look of utter hopelessness in his.

"Everything's that's happened to you is - is terrible. No one should have to go through what you've gone through, especially not you! You are the most caring, decent, kindest, most protective person I know. There is so much love in you, even after all you've experienced.

"And you can't keep blaming yourself for everything, because it's not your fault! If you must blame someone, then blame fate, blame Voldemort but not you - not you Harry - never you," she said, her voice breaking.

"There are so many people who love you. Even if you weren't the one destined to defeat Voldemort, we would all still love you. We love you because you're Harry James Potter, not The Boy Who Lived. Do you understand?" She shook him slightly.

"Don't Hermione," he replied sadly, shielding his eyes with his arm.

Laying her head on his chest, she hugged him tight, crying softly. At first, he did nothing, just let her cry on him. Then he slowly he brought his hand up to her hair, softly caressing it while his other hand went to her waist, hugging her tighter. And finally, his own tears flowed.

The tears were a catharsis for him and he released all his pent up feelings in Hermione's arms. When their tears finally stopped, Hermione made to get up off his chest, but he tightened his hold.

"Don't go Hermione, don't leave me."

"I would never leave you Harry."

"I love you," he said, his eyes looking intently into hers.

"I love you too," she replied softly. She was puzzled, unable to decipher the look in his eyes. Of course they love each other, they were best friends after all.

Suddenly, his mouth was on hers and he was kissing her passionately, urgently. She gasped in shock and his tongue swept in, mating with hers. She was too stunned to react and just let him kiss her.

When he finally released her lips, she just stared at him. "H-Harry?"

"Yes?" he replied, looking hard at her with a slightly defensive look.

"What - why?"

He sighed and released his hold on her. Getting up off the bed, he stood looking down at her. "For such a clever witch, you're being rather dense. Why would a man kiss a woman?"

"Be-because he loves her...?" Her voice wasn't too steady. "But - but Harry, I - I..."

"You're with Ron, I know." He walked away from her, raking his hands trough his hair in frustration. He turned back and looked at her. She was still sitting on the bed, her brows wrinkled, still looking stunned.

Squaring his shoulders, he walked back and sat beside her. Taking both her hands in his, he looked her straight in the eye, "Hermione, I love you, not just as a friend. I'm in love with you. I've probably loved you since our First Year when Ron and I saved you from that troll. I never said anything because - well because I realized it wouldn't be any use. Everyone could see how it was between you and Ron, both of you had eyes only for each other.

"Ron's and your friendship means the world to me. I can't afford to lose the both of you, so I never acted on it. And I'm sorry about just now. I just..." He looked down for a moment. Looking back up, he continued, his voice husky with emotion, "Just for a moment Hermione, I let myself believe that you love me the way I love you. I needed to believe that...just for a moment. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."

"Oh Harry..." Her voice broke into a sob.

"Don't - please don't cry. I hate to see you cry," he said softly, wiping her tears with his fingers.

She only cried harder. She never would have suspected Harry felt this way about her, in fact, it was Harry who'd pushed Ron and her together during sixth year. If it wasn't for him, the two of them would still be in denial.

Why? Why do these things always happen to Harry? It wasn't fair! With everything he has to go through, he deserves to be loved fully, unconditionally, without reservation. Why did it have to be her he was in love with? Because she could never love him that way. Her heart had always belonged to Ron, and it always will.

She looked at Harry, tears still streaming down her face. He was looking at her with so much love, she wondered how she could have been so blind not to see it before. Not to see his love in the way he cared for her, protected her, his kindness to her, every sweet, thoughtful thing he'd ever done for her. Oh Harry...

His face was pale and drawn, there were dark circles under his eyes and the look of despair never seemed to leave them lately; the tense set of his shoulders and his too thin body. She knew under his shirt, there was a fresh set of scars from his last encounter with Voldemort As she looked at him, her tears slowly stopped and she came to a decision.

Forgive me Ron...

Her heart was breaking and every fiber of her being was screaming, 'No'! But she closed her eyes and steeled herself for what she had to do.

Putting her hand to his cheek, she pulled his face to hers and put her mouth on his. Nibbling softly on his lips, she coaxed his lips open and slipped her tongue in. She kissed him, softly, tenderly. Putting her arms around his neck, she pulled him closer, her fingers playing with his hair.

When they broke apart, she looked into his eyes with all the love she felt for him, for she did love him, if only as a friend. "I love you Harry. I love you the way you love me. I've always loved you but Ron asked me first, so I accepted."

"Hermione," he breathed, looking stunned, his brows wrinkled. "Are you sure?"

Laughing lightly, she replied, "Of course I'm sure. I wouldn't have said so, now would I?"

His eyes flared with joy and passion and he pulled her to him. His kisses were urgent and demanding, his hands roamed her body almost roughly. Before she realized, he had her naked and was pulling off his clothes quickly. Sinking down on the bed beside her, he kissed every inch of her body, driving her insane with desire. Then he entered her and proceeded to push her into a shattering orgasm.

Both were gasping when it was over and Harry held her tightly, running his hands over her back and arms. "I love you Hermione, I love you so much. Don't ever leave me, I need you."

"I won't leave you Harry," she whispered, and her heart broke even more.

When Harry fell asleep, she carefully extricated herself from his arms so as not to wake him. Going to the bathroom, she scrubbed every trace of him from her because she couldn't bear to face Ron with traces of Harry still on her. After that, she cried - cried for her betrayal of Ron, cried for Harry's unrequited love and cried for herself, for what might have been. Because she, who has never been good with lies or deceit, would now have to live her life as a lie.

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