I Love You Still

All those years we spent together, you always insisted I was powerful. You told me to be brave, and to push away my fears as if they were no more then flies.

You comforted me when I was sad, wiped my tears away with a gentle finger.

I shared my happiest moments with you as well.

Did you know it would hurt me this much when you died? Did you really believe I could live without you?

Because I can’t, Harry. I know you would have wanted me to – but I just can’t do it. I haven’t the will to try, even if I did feel the desire to. I take a fleeting look at the corked-up bottle that sits next to me. Waiting.

Do you remember when we laughed in the autumn sun that one fine morning ten years ago, when we carved a pumpkin in preparation for Halloween? Never again shall we do so together. Never again shall we enjoy such experiences, nor feel such joy. I take the little jug of clear, dull-green liquid and grasp it loosely in my hand.

I never wanted us to die, and it is for us that I weep so openly now. As an individual, with you gone from this world, I am ready to die. Everyone and everything has a time to go; to be no more. I guess this is that time for me. I uncork the vial and lift it, the cold of it stinging my fingertips mildly. Some vapory smoke escapes out of the top and rises to the ceiling.

I would give anything to have another week with you, Harry. But now you’re gone. And I soon will be as well. I raise the bottle to my mouth, and take a small sip of its contents. It tastes deathly cold. It is like some icy fire that burns my throat as it goes down. There is still much left in the bottle.

I doubt if I’ll last another day. I don’t think I can. Already my mind and vision seem to fog up, and there is a growing pain in my head.

And in my heart.

Remember when we had that midnight snack of apple pie in the kitchens of Hogwarts together? When we shared our first kiss?

I look back at the bottle. I guess it was all too good to be true. Everyone and everything has a time to die, but I can’t help feeling our time came too soon.

The sun is setting, making a beautiful display of orange and pink colors. It’ll quite likely be the last sunset I shall ever see. I should look at its magnificent colors more closely, but I can’t help remembering the last time a sunset looked this pretty. I was sitting beside you in the grassy fields bordering the Great Lake, not far from Hogsmeade. We were holding hands and laughing; talking to each other; enjoying it.

I could never enjoy this now, however glorious it is.

Even more bitterly, I take another, larger sip. It seems to hurt less this time; I am used to the pain by now.

I would like to comfort myself saying that, soon, I shall see you again; that, in death, we shall be reunited in a far away land Beyond the Veil. But if there’s one thing I learned from you, Harry, it’s that you must never lie to yourself. I will not do so now.

The sun had disappeared beyond the horizon. Everything is growing dark. Dusk is here. It just reminds me of when you took me out onto the Hogwarts Grounds to go for a stroll in the twilight. I drink again. The bottle is almost empty.

The moon has come up now, a huge, full golden ball in the sky. The last moon I’ll ever see.

Oh, Harry, why did you have to die so soon? Why do we have to die so soon?

I loved you deeply. I love you still.

But I’m dying, Harry. I’m dying. The poison spreads throughout my veins at a startling pace, doing its job.

I loved you, Harry… but I am dying. Only a few more heartbeats left now—

Thump.

—I spend them thinking of you, and you alone—

Thump.

—Of all the fond memories tucked away in my head, and of everything we shared in life that we will never, can never share again.

Thump.

A last tear makes its way down my cheek and continues down my neck. I am dead now, Harry. My soul is gone and my body will soon disintegrate. Become part of the soil that covers the earth.

I’m dead, Harry. I never took long to follow you anywhere, even into death. It is a relief to my aching mind that I will never think again.