Choosing

'That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spotlight,
Losing my religion...'

R.E.M.

****

I look up at the gates, rising into the early morning sky, just lit by the early rays of the sun. How long since I was last here? Since I last watched the sun rise - here or anywhere?

I'm just delaying the inevitable, I know that.

But I wanted to see the sun rise one last time.

How melodramtic. How pathetic!

I can hear mother's voice now - "Weak, weak. You'll never be strong." She was right, I haven't even had the strength to walk straight up to the castle to see Dumbledore.

I've no illusions about what he'll do - if he's got any sense he'll curse me as I stand in front of him. If not, Azkaban.

I couldn't do it anymore.

Life's easy once you've made a choice - it doesn't matter what that choice is - left or right; Auror or Death-Eater; red wine or white wine; vodka or whisky. It's easy once you've made a choice. You only have to live with it.

I couldn't even do that. Not even that!

How many years is it now? Now many days? How many times I have felt my arm burn? When the Dark Lord calls us it feels like it burns brighter than the sun - and how many times have I apparated to be in the circle?

I can't remember, too many times to count.

I don't know how many years, nor how many lives I have taken, how many I have cursed and watch fall before me. How many have I killed?

I don't know.

I used to believe - and then I ... I didn't. Me, the model Death-Eater, the youngest, the one destined for greatness - I didn't believe. But I still did those last jobs. And I remember them. I remember the faces of the Forrest's and the Davey's. Two in one hit.

I remember them.

God, I remember them. Why them? Why not the others? I know what I did, but I can't remember.

I squint as the sun continues its slow rise. I wonder what Hogwarts is like now? Has it changed since I was there? Will I know some of the teachers? Will they know why I'm there, look at me with hatred and contempt? Or will they welcome me, an old boy, back to the school, not knowing why I am there?

I don't know the answers.

I don't believe though, that's the only thing I do know.

Life's easy when you make a choice - there's no uncertainty. There's clarity, a belief, a purpose. You drive towards one aim with your whole being when you believe. But when you lose that...

You're here. I'm here. In this... in this damned uncertainty.

I just want this uncertainty to end. I want to know what I've done. I want it ended. He can do that - Dumbledore. He can end this for me; I can't, I don't know how.

He might.

Or I could go back. The Dark Lord would find out, he always does eventually. But I would be his. His Death-Eater. One of his chosen. I could be great, I could return to power, glory. If I choose...

I've lost my religion; I don't know what to do.

I'm here now, at Hogwarts; do I see the one person who might know what to do? I just want a decision. Just curse me, send me to Azkaban, the demetors, anything. Just end this.

Enough stalling. I glance once more at the gates, and once more at the sun, squinting into the new light of day.

Then I turn, and start to walk towards the school.

There.

I've made a choice.

****