Lost Without You

Lost without you

Sirius walked across the vast hall of portraits and into the living room. Like every other room in the house, this too was empty and it was all his fault. God! What had he done? Why hadn't he listened to Remus when he had had the chance? If only, he hadn't been so self centered and reached out for him just once.

Sirius had cleaned up his act in the hopes of Remus coming back. The house was spotless and all the Firewhisky bottles had been thrown out. But Remus never came to any of the Order meetings that took place in the house. When Sirius had asked Dumbledore about his whereabouts, he had replied quite sternly that Remus had asked for a task that would occupy most of his time.

I don't know why you're so far away

But I know that this much is true

We'll make it through

And I hope you are the one I share my life with

And I wish that you could be the one I die with

And I pray in you're the one I build my home with

I hope I love you all my life

Somehow, the thought of Remus being on Order business and not roaming homeless on the streets did not comfort Sirius on bit. Jobs given by Dumbledore were usually dangerous and life threatening, Oh god! What if Remus never made it? It would be all his fault.

Sirius climbed up the stairs and entered his bedroom. It was empty of course. He opened the windows and rested his elbows on the ledge all owing the wind to play with his hair. Something Remus enjoyed when they were together. But compared to his gentle touch, the wind was harsh and cruel. Memories of that night came rushing back to him.

*

Sirius was lying drunk on the bed with a bottle in his hands and sleep in his eyes, when subtle fingers pried open the bottle from his hands.

"Stop it, Sirius. Just stop it," whispered Remus

Sirius looked up. "Moony?"

His eyes couldn't focus properly, but he didn't need to see Remus to know it was him. His voice, his touch, his smell was like any other.

Soft fingers brushed Sirius's hair out of his eyes and wiped his face with a wet towel.

"Why do you do this to yourself, Sirius?"

"Do what?" Sirius asked adamantly. He didn't like it when Remus questioned what he did. It was his life and he chose what to do with it.

"You're just killing yourself. You've got to stop drinking."

"Better to kill yourself than to live with murder on your conscience."

Remus put his hands on his head. "Damn it Sirius! We've been through this before! You didn't murder James, okay?! It wasn't your fault! It would have happened one way or another and you know it!"

"How would you know, Remus? You're not the on who suggested that bastard be secret keeper. You're not the one to lead your best friend into the hands of Voldemort."

"God Sirius! I was his best friend too, you know! And even though I never did any of those things, I sometimes wonder if I could have done anything to save them. If I could have made a difference. But none of that matters now because they're dead and there's no point brooding over old memories. You've got to move on."

"Oh cut the crap, Remus! Just go to bed! You'll never understand!"

"Understand what?" Remus challenged, heat now rising up his face.

Sirius turned and looked towards Remus with pure hatred. Anger blazed in his eyes and he suppressed a strong urge to hit Remus.

"You'll never understand how it feels to be responsible for other people's lives! How one mistake can leave you with a life of pain and suffering! How you can be a part and never truly belong! How you can be a prisoner inside your own body because you can't control anything that goes around you! You don't understand Remus! YOU JUST DON'T BLOODY UNDERSTAND!"

"Don't I, Sirius?" Remus asked quietly

That's when Sirius realised the impact of his words. Of course Remus understood. He was the only one who did.

"Moony, I'm so sorry."

Sirius stepped forward to hug him, but Remus stepped away. He dumped a few of his belongings into his shabby suitcase and walked towards the door.

"Moony -"

"It's been a pleasure living with you, Sirius Black."

With that, he was gone, leaving Sirius standing alone, cold and empty. Sirius waited all night for Remus to come back, but he never did. Sirius had gone a step too far, and now the love of his life was gone forever.

Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away

And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today

Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right

And though I can't be with you tonight

Just know my heart is by your side

*

"Dumbledore told me you might attempt to kill yourself Sirius but couldn't you think of something a little more subtle than jumping off the third floor in broad daylight?"

Sirius turned around, shocked.

"Remus!!" Sirius hugged him tightly. "You came back!"

"Of course I did. Who would fix you sorry arse when you would break it jumping out of that window."

Sirius laughed and stroked Remus's cheek. Fresh scars now lined his beautiful face and Remus twitched in pain as Sirius gently kissed them.

"You hurt yourself, " he whispered as he kissed Remus on his neck

"Not much. You should see the others. Te-"

Sirius kissed Remus before he could finish his sentence. They kissed for a long time, Sirius holding on till the very end, afraid that Remus might vanish if he ever let go.

Later that night, Remus had slipped quietly out of bed to put his clothes on when Sirius had caught him by the wrist.

"Don't leave me, Moony," He murmured half asleep.

Remus smiled and knelt on the bed towards Sirius to kiss him on the forehead.

"It's just for a short time. I'll be back tomorrow. I promise."

But Sirius's grip tightened around his hand and he looked sleepily into Remus's eyes.

"I can't live without you. You're all I have left now. Don't leave me alone here."

Remus climbed back into the bed and ran his fingers through Sirius's soft hair, till he fell asleep with his arms wound tightly around Remus.

Just for tonight, Remus would stay. The Order could wait...

*