Everything I Do

The smoke from the train reminded Severus of the smoke from a blackened pipe between calloused hands - his father’s hands. It swirled up into the clouds and Severus thought of the same kind of pipe, only now held between wrinkled hands. He envisioned the old men who sat in front of his father’s favorite pub, discussing the mill and the other factories that lined the streets in old Manchester. The paint on the train seemed timeless, like someone had been hired to add a new coat before every journey. It shined and twinkled in its scarlet accent.

Severus could sense his mother behind him, her lithe frame tense with discomfort. She placed her hands on both sides of Severus’ shoulders, her thin fingers curling into the fabric of his robe. Her fingers were bony and long, with jagged knuckles and tiny dark hair that circled the flesh.

Severus was eleven years old, his used robe too long, his prominent nose too big. The sun was hot against his cheeks and the sweat made his uncut hair stick to the back of his neck. Severus wasn’t excited about attending Hogwarts; he knew the children would tease and bully him about his ugly face and poor parents just as the ones from his primary school did. Severus felt his features harden into a sneer from the memories of his classmates.

“I don’t want you to get into any trouble,” said Severus’ mother sternly, her fingers tightening their hold. She turned Severus around to look at her. With dead hair framing her face, her small eyes seemed to nail Severus to the spot, and it made him look up and appreciate her control. “Now go, before you are late.”

Severus hesitated. He had never been truly close with his mother; Severus’ father had always gotten in the way. But now as the sobs of mothers thundered around them, Severus was scared of leaving her, leaving his support. His mother sensed his reluctance and pulled him into a bony hug, her chest plate hard against his cheek.

It was a stiff embrace - one that involved people who were unpracticed, who had forgotten how to show their love for one another. People who were scared, abused. Severus peered up at his mother and saw that the lines on her face hadn’t dissolved. She stared back at him, a look of incredible sadness in her eyes. Severus felt his fingers cling to the faded cotton of her muggle dress, his nails scratching her back through the thin fabric.

Severus pressed harder into his mother, his arms tightening their hold. He didn’t want to leave her. He didn’t want her to be alone with his father. He didn’t want her to be afraid, to cry.

He didn’t want her to disappear.

“Don’t get into trouble.” His mother spoke again; her words rumbled deep inside her chest, echoing through her belly. The sound soothed Severus and with a deep breath, he turned to board the train with renewed bravery.

~*~

There was a boy in the last compartment - a deathly pale boy who seemed to disappear inside his robes. He had a mop of hair that crowned his head, the color of the strands like dirt in the dark and gold in the light. The boy’s head shot up when he saw Severus slide the door open, something like fright in his eyes. Severus felt embarrassed by his reaction and turned to go look for a seat in one of the cramped compartments he had bypassed.

“N-no. Please don’t go,” said the boy quietly, his thin arm raised to Severus. “You can sit here if you want.”

Severus stared into the amber eyes of the boy, a sense of calm enveloping him. Severus nodded and slowly took a seat across from the boy, waiting for him to change his mind. Severus felt himself go red with discomfort and he wondered if he had made the wrong decision of sitting down. Severus envisioned the ugly faces of the other boys he knew from school, their eyes crazed, their angry, red mouths forming words of hate and judgment. Severus remembered the feel of their hands as they pushed him to the graveled ground, his elbows and knees scraping against the rocks.

“Are you all right?” asked the boy. Severus could feel his features growing together to form a horrible look. Severus nodded once more, looking down at his hands. There was dirt under his fingernails. “I’m Remus. Remus Lupin.” The boy held his hand out with the introduction.

“I’m Severus Snape.” Severus didn’t take his eyes off the dirt as his hand wrapped around Remus’ cold one. Remus smiled and sighed as he leaned back into the cushion of the seat.

“Are you a first year like me?” Remus asked, his voice soft, his eyes concentrated on Severus. Severus thought the boy looked very weak, almost fragile in the way his shoulders slouched and the way his tiny stomach was engulfed by his rib cage. Remus smiled softly, but his eyes were sad and dead looking.

“Yes.” Severus was twitching in the seat and he returned Remus’ smile. Remus interested Severus because he seemed so tired, so sad. The smile was a lonely one, a knowing one. Severus could tell Remus was different than any other boy he had ever met. He had seen tragedy.

“So, what house do you want to be in?” Remus asked, filling the awkward silence.

Severus looked at Remus, wondering if he should answer. After a few moments of thinking, he finally answered, “I’m not sure.”

Remus sighed and smiled again, his lips stretching against his teeth. “My father was in Gryffindor, but my mother never went to Hogwarts.”

Severus couldn’t take his eyes off Remus and every time the boy smiled it made Severus’ stomach flutter unpleasantly. Severus wondered why he was acting so strangely, but he pushed the thought away before it could develop into a concern. My mother never went to Hogwarts. Did that mean Remus was a half-blood like Severus? Severus dared to wish.

“Is your mother a muggle?” Severus asked casually, his hands twisting in his lap, his eyes watering from not blinking. He was worried he would miss Remus smile again.

Remus didn’t say anything for a moment. “Does it matter?”

Severus shrugged. “I guess not. My father is a muggle.”

Remus seemed to brighten at Severus’ confession. “Really?”

Severus shrugged, again. “Yeah. So, is your mum a muggle or what?” He desperately wanted to know.

Remus bit his lip. “Yeah, she is. I - I guess I shouldn’t have told you that.”

Severus was confused. “Why not?”

This time Remus shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Oh.” Severus wished Remus would smile again. “So, what house do you want to be in?”

A great blackness engulfed Remus’ face, his eyes expressionless. “Slytherin.” The word was like oil on Remus’ tongue, black and hateful.

Severus searched the other boy for any clues. “Why?”

Remus shot an ugly look at his hands. “Because I deserve to be in that house.”

Severus frowned. What happened to the smiles he craved? Severus was worried about Remus’ response until a brilliant idea sparked in his mind. If Remus wanted to be in Slytherin, then maybe they could be in the same house together. Severus definitely wanted to be in the same house as Remus and he had already thought about going into Slytherin. Severus was mesmerized by Remus - the dark shadows under the boy's eyes made him look both strange and interesting - and he wanted to know everything about him

There were voices outside the compartment and Remus turned his head toward the sound - different voices coming from three different boys. Someone pounded on the door and Severus heard a muffled laugh. Remus looked at Severus and he shrugged. Remus got up and opened the door. The voices became louder, and Remus jumped back as two boys fell into the compartment, laughing and rolling on the ground. Another boy followed quickly behind, grinning as he looked down at the two fools who had interrupted Severus and Remus' conversation.

Severus scowled as a boy stood up and helped his friend up from the floor. The boy had fine wizard-wire glasses and black hair that poked out from behind his head. He was at least a wand’s length taller than the boy who he stood next to.

“Hi, I’m James,” said the boy to Remus. The boy didn’t look at Severus, but his friend next to him did. It was a judging stare that made Severus red with anger. “And this is Sirius.”

Oh God, Severus thought. The boy who had been looking at him was a Black. Severus’s mother had told him all about that wizardry family. His mother hated purebloods.

After Remus shook Black’s hand, James said, “And this is Peter.”

Peter was at least two wand lengths shorter than James and his chubby face ballooned into a giant grin. Severus rolled his eyes. When were this gits going to leave Remus and him alone?

“I’m Remus Lupin.” Remus looked at the three boys with excitement.

“Oh, wow - did you get those robes in Knockturn Alley?” asked James excitedly, as he sat down next to Remus. He motioned Black and Peter to join him. “The robes from there are so much better.”

“Yeah, I did.” Remus beamed. He looked over at Severus and cleared his throat. “Umm - this is Severus.”

James glanced at Severus and turned to Black to see his reaction. Both boys stifled a laugh. Remus frowned but didn’t say anything.

“So, Remus - we were about to go see if we could steal some candy from the trolley. Do you want to come?” asked Black.

Remus bit his lip and looked at Severus, but Severus just shrugged. Remus looked back at Black. "Yeah, sure."

When the other boys were out of the compartment, Remus turned to Severus. “So, I’ll be right back. Maybe I can get some candy for you as well?”

Severus shrugged again as anger boiled inside of him. “I don’t care.”

Remus never returned.