Songfic Series - Again

Again

Your eyes are turning dull again. Empty, like hollow shells that once held something meaningful. Soon, dark circles will appear under them, mirroring the darkness that is descending on your soul. I see it, because the very same heavy blanket descends upon me.

I watch and count the signs as you lose interest in everyone around you. Snape can torture you all he likes; it doesn't phase you anymore. I know, because his praises have become just as meaningless to me. I see as you watch the world turn without you. You don't feel like you're a part of it anymore. You feel like you don't belong here and I know you're close now. So I watch you.

I see you turn your back on life again

When you wander off into an abandoned classroom late at night, I know this is it. I hurry after you and can only just prevent you from Aveda Kedavraing yourself. You just stare at me and don't utter a word. I know you don't understand why I'm here to save you time and time again. You know I don't either...

It takes your friends a full hour to find you, sitting on the floor opposite me, staring into my eyes. They take you away, patch you up. Or try to. I know it's only going to be temporary, but they don't pay any attention to me. I'm left sitting right where I was, staring into nothing.

They put you in the Hospital Wing. Your friends come and visit everyday. Lupin has long talks with you; McGonagall, short ones and I watch as they tell you lies. They tell you everything you do has been right, that you are going to defeat Voldemort, that it's not your fault those people died. And I see you slowly starting to believe them again. I know it will only work for a while; within months you'll have realized the truth again. But they don't let you see the truth, they don't let you handle it and slowly, the darkness lifts.

And I see your stumbling down worked smooth again

You're back in classes within three weeks. It took them longer than last time, but you're back. The light has returned to your eyes. They're shining as if every day is another miracle and I feel my eyes start to shine too. But I also feel the doubt underneath. And the fear, because no one seems to be able to help you.

I watch and wait, knowing it won't be long. You last for about a month and I realize you're cracking sooner every time. There's no talk in the hallway, no whispering during classes. Just a note one night, when I'm alone in my room. I need you, it says simply. It's signed HP.

I know where to go and effortlessly find my way to the hidden cave on the shores of the lake. You're already there. I touch your shoulder and you turn around, tears streaming down your face. You don't talk, neither do I, as I take you in my arms and kiss you. You kiss me back and I can taste the despair on your lips. Your lost, adrift at sea and I'm the only one who knows how you feel, I'm you're only anchor. But I'm just as desperate as you.

I feel despair kissing our lips again

This entire moment is desperate. We were born out of despair. And we both know nothing good can come of this, as we make love. But there's nothing else we can do, nothing else will make this world bearable. But it only works for so long and as we cling to each other to fight off the darkness that is lurking in our minds, I know the worst is yet to come.

I feel despair holding our hearts again

For me it comes as soon as you leave our cave. You won't be back, I know. This is always a one-time thing and every time you make it clear to me that it shouldn't have happened at all. That you've made a mistake. And every time hurts more than the last. I don't want to be your mistake.

It's my turn to cry. But for me there are no kisses, no strong arms to fend of the pain. There's just the vision of your retreating figure. You don't look back, not once.

You hear me crying behind your back again

That heavy blanket has settled over me again. I know you see it, because I see that empty look returning to your eyes. Soon, you will stop sleeping and start wandering through the castle at night, thinking, realizing. And I'm with you again, slowly sliding down into that black hole.

I have no tears left now; like you, I'm past crying, past caring. And you watch as I look at the world turning without me. We're no longer part of it, we've stepped out again. And I know, I'll have to save you again soon. Save you from the world, from your friends and from yourself.

You hear my heartbeat slowing down again

And after I've saved you and your friends have patched you up, you come to me again. Snow is falling when I meet you at our cave, but there are no footprints. You must've been here for a while. I worry about you, because I can feel you slipping further every time.

You're not crying this time and I think this makes it worse. Again our despair is palpable when we kiss. I can almost see you falling through blackness behind closed eyes. As I open them to get rid of that image, I see tears sliding down from under your closed eyelids and I'm relieved.

I feel despair kissing our lips again

You keep crying all through our lovemaking. And it brings tears to my eyes too. You brush at them, shaking your head, but I can't stop them. And we cling to each other again, crying and desperate. And I feel the need to flee this world grow.

And I feel despair holding our hearts again

I feel the need grow in you. But I know it grows in me too. Every time I save you, that need becomes a little greater. Every time you leave me behind in this cave it gets stronger. I've saved you countless times and as I watch you walk away again I wonder: when are you going to save me, Harry?

HIM - Again