...with one glance

 Author name: Madrigal

 Author email: [email protected]

 Category: Angst/Drama/Slash

 Keywords: Severus Snape, James Potter, Whomping Willow, Quidditch, werewolf

 Spoilers: All four books, with some reference to QTTA

 Rating: PG-13

 Summary: (Takes place during Harry’s first year) Snape hates Harry because he hated James.But what if Snape didn’t really hate James?What if what he felt was the very opposite of hate?A slashfic from Snape’s point of view as he remembers the night James Potter saved his life.

 Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

 Author’s Note:My first slashfic is dedicated to Sarah, who thought my fic was great even before she read it.I don’t usually write fics with more than one chapter because I get a new idea in the middle of it and I want to quit.Either that or I just get bored with the story.Since I abandoned a fic that I was working on after the second chapter and left Sarah pretty much hanging off a cliff, I figure I owe her this one.Well, here goes.Oh, and italicized text are Snape’s memories.

* * * * *

The new first-years line up to be sorted, looks of terror on their faces.One of them stands out, or at least in my mind.He’s small and skinny, wears glasses, and has a head of messy black hair.I wait with baited breath, hoping against hope…

“Gryffindor!” shouts the hat.I clench my teeth.Did I really expect him to be put in Slytherin?Things would have been so much easier for me if he was, for then I could pay off the debt I owe his father for saving my life that fateful night.No one looks twice if I’m nice to a Slytherin, but I can’t be seen being on speaking terms with a Gryffindor.I have learned from experience that no Gryffindor is worth trusting.

The feast has begun.Professor Quirrell strikes up a conversation with me.I nod occasionally, not really interested in talking.Suddenly, something forces my head to turn towards the Gryffindor table.For a split second, Harry Potter and I lock eyes with each other.He turns quickly away, clutching his scar in pain.The same force that caused me to look at him now makes me turn my head away.

In that moment, I forget that Harry exists, because the face I see is not his own.It is the face of James Potter.How I loathe James Potter.And yet… anger rises from within me, boiling like obsession and burning like desire.It does not erupt, but brings forth memories to my surface; memories that were supposed to die along with James and Lily.But my memories did not die. They were simply buried so deep inside of me that I simply forgot about them.Until now…

It was the first Quidditch match of my fifth year: Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.My best friend Lucius Malfoy and I were both on the team.He was Captain and Seeker, and I was Keeper.

“Now, listen up,” said Lucius in the locker room before the match.“We want to get a good start this year, and what better way to do that than by killing Gryffindor in the first match?Just remember what we went over in practice: do anything you have to, to win.Oh, and don’t forget to try out some of those blatching and cobbing exercises we practiced!” (blatching: flying with intent to collide; cobbing: excessive use of elbows towards opponents—Quidditch Through the Ages p. 29)

The team snickered.

Lucius turned to me.“You sure you can handle this one, Sev?”

“Have I ever failed you?”

“Well, no, but that’s only because it’s your first year on the team!That’s beside the point.I would be real cautious of those chasers that’ll try and score on you, especially Potter.He’s bad news, Sev.”

“I’m sure I can handle him,” I said, more confidently than I felt.

Before I knew it, there we all were, fourteen kids, racing around on broomsticks in the air.I hovered near the goal posts, waiting, watching…

Soon enough, James came speeding toward me, Quaffle in hand.It was as if the scene was in slow motion.As James advanced toward me, I was distracted by him.It was just the way he approached me with confidence, his jaw set and his face determined.I had never seen anyone with such… poise, with such… tenacity.He looked so frightening, so intimidating, and yet somehow beautiful.

He raised his arm and, a second later, the Quaffle was flying towards me.I managed to regain my wits about me only just in time, blocking his shot with a Starfish and Stick (“Keeper defence; the Keeper holds the broom horizontally with one hand and foot curled around the handle, while keeping all limbs outstretched” –Quidditch Through the Ages p. 54)

If James Potter had managed to score on me on his first attempt, Lucius would never let me hear the end of it!Extremely proud of myself for managing to block James’ shot, I tried to swing back onto my broom.James, who was hovering over me, held out his hand to help me up.I took it.

“Thanks, Potter,” I said, surprised that he would help me after I stopped him from scoring.My conscience was warning me not to trust him, but of course I didn’t listen.

He gave me a half-smile, and then without saying another word turned around and sped off on his Nimbus 1001.

That match changed everything.I never really knew true beauty until then.The way he carried himself, the way he helped me even though I was his opponent—that’s true beauty.

From that moment on I was in love.

James knew all along, of course, and was careful to avoid me.I’ve never been very good at hiding my emotions.Most likely, he told his friends Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, because they went out of their way just to make me look bad.I hated James’ friends, and to protect James and myself I pretended that I hated James, too.It’s painful, having to pretend you hate someone that you love.But late one night, I was in the back of the library, researching on electricity for my Muggle Studies report, when I overheard a conversation.I recognized James’ voice at once.

“I can’t, not tonight.”He sounded worried, almost stressed out.

But to my surprise, a female voice answered, “But you promised that you’d go for a moonlight walk with me tonight.”

“Tonight’s the full moon.”

“Remus.”

It grew quiet.They were undoubtedly thinking.

“I’m so sorry,” came James’ voice through the silence.

“That’s okay.I’d do the same for my friend.”

“I love you, Lily Evans.”

“I love you too, James Potter.”

It grew quiet again.They were undoubtedly kissing.

I did not even want to watch.Forgetting all about electricity, whatever the hell that was, I started to leave the library.I was fuming.Surely he doesn’t really love her.He can’t love her.What about me?How could he simply deny my feelings for him?How could he love her, knowing that I love him?How could he not love me back?I was replaying their conversation over and over in my head.I was almost at the door when I realized whom they were talking about.The words ‘Remus’ and ‘full moon’ came into my head.Could Remus Lupin possibly be a werewolf?As a kid, I’d always been fascinated with the dark arts, especially dark creatures such as vampires, hags, and, yes, werewolves.I had to see if it was true.

I hid behind a bookshelf, and waited for James to walk out the door.About five minutes later, he did, accompanied, to my disgust, by Lily Evans.

I followed them up staircases, down corridors, and through tapestries until we reached a portrait of a fat lady in a pink silk dress.Here they parted.The portrait swung open to reveal the Gryffindor common room.Lily entered it, and James turned around and continued.I followed him until we reached the Hospital Wing.Confused, I hid outside near the doorway.

Peeking inside the Hospital Wing, I saw Potter and all his friends, talking to Madam Pomfrey.

A minute later, they were advancing toward the doorway where I was hidden.I dashed down the hall and quickly hid behind a suit of armor.

I waited until they were a good distance from me before following, but there was no doubt about where they were going: the ForbiddenForest.I followed them to the edge of the forest, and there stood a magnificent tree.I knew that this tree was called the Whomping Willow, and that it struck out with its branches if you got too close.Several of my friends had, on a dare, tried to get close enough to touch the trunk.My friend Davy Gudgeon was in the Hospital Wing for a week while Madam Pomfrey repaired his left eyeball.Believing them to be too dangerous, I had never participated in these dares, preferring just to watch.

James, Sirius, and Pettigrew backed away, and I saw Madam Pomfrey pick up a long stick, but before I could see what she did with it, Sirius turned around.I had been spotted.

“Well, well.Look who we have here.Severus Snape.Sneaking around, are you?Trying to find out what we’re up to, eh?”

I looked over his shoulder.I saw Remus enter a tunnel near the base of the Whomping Willow; Madam Pomfrey was walking away back toward the castle.

“He’s a werewolf, isn’t he?” I asked.

“Well, I’m not going to tell you that.You could… see for yourself, if you’d like.See that knot on the back of the trunk?All you have to do is poke at it with a long stick and you’ll get your werewolf, alright,” said Sirius, handing me the stick I saw Madam Pomfrey holding.

Like a fool, I took it.I was fascinated, having never seen an actual werewolf before.I found the knot on the trunk and poked it.The Whomping Willow froze and the tunnel opened up.I approached cautiously and entered the tunnel.

There, almost all the way at the end of the tunnel, I saw him.It was just like the pictures, only… real.I was amazed at the monstrosity of Remus Lupin.

“Severus, no!” said a voice.James came running into the tunnel.“What the hell do you think you’re doing?It’s not safe!”

All the noise had attracted the werewolf’s attention.Seeing us, he ran back towards the tunnel entrance.I was amazed at the speed at which a hungry werewolf could run.James grabbed my arm and pulled me back through the tunnel entrance.Unfortunately, as we were leaving the tunnel neither of us pressed the knot on the Whomping Willow, and we both got pummeled by the tree.We flew a good ten feet into the air and landed, hard, about twenty feet away from the tree.Sirius and Peter had gone.

For a minute, James and I looked at each other without saying anything.Finally, I spoke.

“Why did you do that?”I asked, but I didn’t let him answer.“Why did you save my life?Why didn’t you just let me die?You probably would have been happier.”

“What do you mean, I would have been happier?Knowing I had let you die, without doing anything about it?I couldn’t live with that, Severus.”

It grew quiet again.“You love her,” I said.

“What?” said James, startled.

“I said, you—love—her!Her, and not me!”

James started to speak, but I cut him off again.

“You know what, James?No.Don’t even say it.I don’t want to hear it.”

“Hear what?”He sounded somewhat amused.

“I don’t want to hear you say what I just said.I don’t want to hear you tell me that it will never work out, that nothing will ever happen between us.I don’t want to listen to you talk about how much you love her.I have had it with you!Why do you play with my emotions like this, James?You and your little friends pretend you hate my guts, and then you go and save my life!Why don’t you just—”

My words were cut short as I felt his soft lips upon my own.It was a rush, a flow of passion.It was both agony and ecstasy at the same time.It was a life force, giving me strength, giving me power.I saw heaven… and hell.And then, it was all over.He was walking back to the castle.I wanted to call after him.“Wait, James!”I wanted to say, but I didn’t.It wasn’t fair of me to love him when he loved another.I knew this, but I can’t help wondering why he kissed me.I guess it’s something I’ll never understand, one of life’s mysteries or whatever.Gryffindors are such complicated creatures, yet always full of surprises.

I feel Harry Potter’s eyes on me again from across the room, searching me, calling me, but I do not look back, for everything that I need to know I have learned… with one glance.