Twixt Heaven and Hell

I had thought my life without him was hell, but now I know better.

Since his escape, since his re-entry into my life, since I discovered his true nature, and discovered truly what hell is. Especially since I still love him with my whole being.

I am not even sure he loves me - desires yes. But not loves.

And now I am the only thing standing between him and Harry. And I will willingly allow his use of me if it means Harry lives. And yet not once has he made a move to harm or even try to contact Harry. His entire attention is concentrated on me.

But all that is changing. Has changed. Since he came along. I now have two Siriuses in my life - the devil who makes my life hell, and the angel who is trying to get home.

I sit here in my rooms at Hogwarts and he is lying on the rug in front of the fireplace. Snuffles. Since his arrival a few days ago, he has woven himself into my life.

In his reality, my Angel was protected in Azkaban from it's full effect by being able to transform. But then, it would appear he was sane to begin with.

The Sirius of my dimension never did have too stable a grip on sanity, and here his ability to transform was of no use whatsoever. And now he is completely insane.

Sirius has no idea who my visitor is, but then my devil is insane, and arrogant enough that he would not notice anything that is outside his particular sphere of interest. He hasn't even noticed that my dog looks like Padfoot. He laughed derisively when I told him that the dog's name was Snuffles. Right before he used me in a way that made me ill later.

And when he left me, my Angel Sirius cared for me. Loving and tender, caring in a way that my Devil Sirius had once been.

And then we made love. And I remembered what it was to be loved by Sirius Black, and remembered that it was not this Remus that my Angel loves, but another Remus in a dimension he desperately wants to return to.

I am not his Remus, and can never be his Remus, but I was a good substitute; just as he is a good substitute to the Sirius I fell in love with.

His loving touch is a balm to my torn soul, and I hope that my touch soothes his.

Dumbledore is the only one who knows who he really is - and he has agreed to help him get back to the Ministry of Magic. To pass back through the Veil in the vain hope that he will return to his Remus.

In the meantime, we both do our best to protect Harry. Both do our best to try to detain the other Sirius.

Unfortunately for us both, Sirius Black has an acute sense of self-preservation, and neither I nor Dumbledore (nor even my Angel Sirius) have been able to pin him down.

He comes to me and takes me. I don't know how he gets through the wards around the school; he won't tell me even though I ask every time.

He takes me far away from Hogwarts before he tortures me.

And delights in returning me to the school. Alone, usually naked, and bleeding. Leaving me where I will be found by Dumbledore or Pomfrey. He cares at least that much - but then I am of no use to him dead.

It's not been as bad since my Angel has been here. As soon as he knows I am gone, he alerts Dumbledore.

He has helped though; at his suggestion I have managed to curse that Devil so that he can no longer transform into Padfoot. Sirius Black, the Devil, is now locked into his human form, and it has pushed him further over the edge. All though of Harry is now gone and his sole urge is to punish me.

My Angel tried to stop Sirius once, but Sirius used Cruciatus on him to effect his escape.

My poor, poor Angel. We both needed tending now.

I get up from the couch and sit on the rug next to my Snuffles, and I lay my head on his back, burying my fingers deep into his fur. I cry, knowing that in a few short hours we will be torn apart and I will be alone again.

Alone with my Devil.

A knock on the door, and I know who it is. He does to, and transforms to embrace me before I open the door, allowing the world in.

Our kiss is passionate and loving. Each of us is imagining the other is somebody else.

Somebody who is, and yet, is not, us.

And we part. Each in our own separate hells.

But my Angel has left me an answer - just before he leaves he whispers into my ear the way out of this nightmare. It will not be a salvation, but it will be an ending. And that's all anybody can really hope for.

It will work. Sirius will never know.

And for the first time, the Wolf will feast on human flesh.