Inevitable

Chapter Nineteen

If I Ever Speak To Him Again

The gods too are fond of a joke - Aristotle

Lily had just had the worst night of her life. She had cried until she was sure that she had no more tears in her body, her voice was hoarse and her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Her hands shook, her face was blotchy, and her hair was matted.

Thankfully it was a Saturday, and she could lie in bed as long as she wanted. Unfortunately, her best friend had other plans.

"Come on, get up, Lil." Lene pulled back the drapes and smiled sympathetically at Lily.

She rolled back onto her stomach and put the pillow over her head. "No."

"Get up now, Lily. I know you're hurt, I'm really sorry, but I'm also forcing you to get up. For your own good. Do it on your own or I will use magic."

"No!"

Lene gave her a knowing look. "You won't get an apology out of him if you're sitting here crying."

Lily was very touchy, and Lene had just about pushed her over the edge. She was mad.

"What would you know about it! You don't know what I feel like - you've never been in a real relationship! You're afraid to tell the guy you like that you care about him! You sit around moaning that he'll never notice you, when all you have to do is talk to him! You don't know anything about being in love! You've never even had a real boyfriend! Do you realise how many guys would like you if you just stopped being so extreme about everything? If you didn't act like a little kid all the time! Do you know that the reason Gemma and Carrie hate you so much is because they know that you're the reason Sirius kept going back and forth with them! You don't know anything about it! You can't tell me anything about love!"

She looked extremely taken aback. "I... I'm sorry," she said softly but shortly. Far too softly for Lene, but the shortness was a warning. "I didn't know you felt that way. I didn't know that having a boyfriend gave you some sort of special status. I didn't know that, as your friend, I wasn't allowed to tell you what I think. You know what I think Lily?"

The volume of Lene's voice began rising. "I think you're being a selfish little idiot. You have no idea what he felt like, watching you with Doyle. You have no idea what anyone thought! You never come out of your own little world long enough to see what's going on in the rest of the world! You weren't there when it happened! You don't know how we felt! You were too worried about him and now you're just letting him walk away because of a stupid fight! What if he dies, eh? What happens then! What happens if we all die and you're just being stupid! Because that's what people do Lily - they die. They all die, and if they're too dense to realise what you've been telling them for years then it can't be your fault anymore, can it?"

By this point Lily wasn't sure what was happening. Was Lene reprimanding Lily, or herself? Did she have a point? Because it sounded as though she was just rambling on about things that weren't connected in any way. Things that didn't even make sense.

"- and if you can't figure that out then I don't know what to tell you!"

Lily sat on her bed and put her head in her hands as Lene stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Lene, the queen of denial, completely lost it about once every two years as everything caught up with her. Great.

What've I done now...

*

Lily spent much of the day crying. James had broken up with her - or she with him, she wasn't sure which. Or if they even had broken up. She had been horrible to Lene for no reason, Lene had been horrible to her, and Lily hadn't seen her friend since that morning. No one loved her, and she was soon going to have to leave Hogwarts and begin her life in the real world alone.

Of course, if she had left her room maybe that would have been different.

She pondered it for a quite a long time after she ran out of tears, and had managed to stop her sobs. Pat had been understanding and had left her to her own devices, not giving an opinion except to say that James was an idiot and to bring her large quantities of chocolate. Lene had been quite clear in her opinion, thank you very much. Lily was confused as she ever was.

I should probably get up and go down. I really should. But what if he's down there? And who do I talk to? Lene's mad at me... James hates me... Do. Not. Cry. Stop it Lily!

"Stop it," she said aloud.

After a great deal of pacing, a lot of kicking the bedpost, and even going so far as to throw a picture of James and herself out the window (only to lean out with her wand and tearfully summon it back), Lily decided to go and face the world. No matter how much she felt that it hated her.

After all, she decided, a bit of makeup could change one's entire perspective. A little bit of makeup and she felt much prettier, her newest robes and she felt more graceful. Like she could face the world.

The common room was very full, Lily noticed when she went down. Luckily, neither James nor Lene were anywhere to be found. But there, by the window, Sirius sat alone.

As she approached him, Lily realised that he was fuming. He stared out the window with a definite snarl on his face, looking as though he would bite off the head of anyone who came to near. Of course, at the moment Lily was almost willing to take her own head off, and so she approached him.

"Hi," she said tonelessly, sitting beside him.

"What did I do?"

"What?"

"Lene. What did I do? She comes down this morning, saves me from the Fan Club, punches me in the face then runs off to break things with Prongs. Why?"

Lily was confused. "What did you say to her?"

"Nothing! Just that I was glad she rescued me from all those girls thinking they're in love with me, and next thing I know I have a fat lip and she's storming away! And James is mad at me because I told him how stupid he is for saying whatever he said to you... Damn it all, Lily."

Not. Going. To. Cry.

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

He turned and appraised her swollen eyes and messy hair. For Sirius Black, it was a definite sympathetic expression on his face. "Looks as though I'm having a good day," he said softly. Then, he enveloped her in a hug. "I'm sorry Lil, he doesn't know. He didn't know, he was just really mad yesterday, and I made it worse, I shouldn't have said what I did, and... And it'll all be okay. He was being such an idiot, I didn't think he'd get that upset. It'll be fine. I'll punch him in the face, he'll tackle me, we'll try to kill each other then everything'll be fine. It always is."

Lily nodded, not bothering to wonder how the two of them fighting would solve anything, leaning against Sirius and trying very hard not to cry. It was her fault that Lene was mad at Sirius. It was her fault that Sirius was mad at James. It was all her fault.

"I'm sorry too," she whispered.

Turned out she did have tears left, after all.

*

The library became a sanctuary for Lily. She spent three miserable days straight wandering the dusty rows, looking through every book she could on healing, and many on spells that could help the Order. She had never sneezed so much in her life, but she knew that it was a place James never went, unless he was looking for someone, and Lene rarely did if she could avoid it. Lily knew that she wasn't mad at Lene, and she really wasn't sure whether she was mad at James, or hurt by what he said. She was pretty sure it was a wavering combination of very strong emotions.

He had not tried to speak with her at all in the past few days, but she was still bitter, and brushed past him casually in the halls and at meals, not sparing his feelings in the least. She felt horrible every time it happened, and usually ended up in a bathroom crying, trying to console herself. At times she was still seething though, and was not going to let him see how much she missed him. She had a lot of anger, when she stopped to think about it. Anger that he would believe that of her, anger that he would distrust her so, and that he would yell at her without hearing her side of the story. Lily was not going to speak to James Potter civilly any time soon. She was confused. Her emotions kept contradicting themselves.

Lene was normally more difficult to avoid, but as she was avoiding Lily, and being very Lene-ish in her pure denial, it was easy to stay far away from her.

Sirius was still being given the cold shoulder by Lene as well, although he and James were Sirius and James again, and Lily found a strange satisfaction in that. She knew it was horrible of her, but she wouldn't take back what she had said.

"Lily?"

She looked up sharply. Garret Doyle. Oh, Merlin.

"I want to talk to you about something."

She bit her lip. "Alright."

"I - Well... I heard. Beth told me. And Remus told me. And Gemma told me. And... well, you get the picture."

"Oh?"

"And, well, I'm sorry. Because I don't think of you like that. I mean - you're beautiful, and if I - I mean, I would never, because you're you, not that there's anything wrong with you, but... Do you have any idea what I'm trying to say?"

"My boyfriend is a jealous prat and if I ever speak to him again it won't be till after I've given him a black eye?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Yeah, something along those lines."

"Good."

He looked nervous suddenly. "Did he really think - you know?"

She gave a small nod. "Yeah." As hard as Lily had tried to stay indifferent, her voice had betrayed her.

"Oh. Maybe... Maybe I should go tell him?"

"No," she said quickly. "If he wants to be a prat, I'm not going to stop him."

There was a long, awkward pause.

"So..." He glanced around as if for inspiration. "Looking forward to the end of the week?"

"And going back to live with my parents? Hardly. I'm going to miss this place so much."

He nodded, then leaned for ward to whisper, "Listen Lil, I just had to tell you something. I've just talked to Professor Dumbledore and, well, he asked me to be a part of this Order thing. Kim and Adrian and I. We've said yes, and he said you were already, so I thought I'd come tell you."

Lily was shocked. "Really?"

"Yes," he said slowly.

A slow smile spread across her face - the first true smile in days. "That's great! So we'll still see each other over the summer, only... Promise me something?"

"Why not."

"Don't die. Or get captured."

"Um.... Okay."

She grinned for the first time in days. "Good."

As he walked away, Lily allowed her thought to wander. Did Garret have any idea what he was getting himself into? Most likely not. And Kim - she was practically a prodigy in Herbology, and was right at the top in Charms, yes, but she did not seem like the kind of person who could stand up to anyone. Adrian, Lily did not know very well. Sure, they had smiled and nodded, in passing, and had exchanged hellos, but Lily did not know much about him beyond his name.

Real life was going to be interesting.

Shaking her head violently, Lily tried to banish all thought from her head. She had a constant headache, and the more she thought, the worse it became.

Returning her book to a cart, Lily made her way out of the library, thinking about possibly going for a long soak in the giant tub in the Prefect's Bathroom. Yes, a long soak with those thick bubbles would be perfect...

*

Dust came up in clouds with every page.

Lily sneezed. Again.

"Bless you."

Looking up abruptly, she saw Lene sitting down across from her.

"I've decided that I want to live on the coast," Lene said casually.

Lily opened and closed her mouth. Then opened it once more and said, "Oh?"

Lene looked up and grinned. "I've also decided that I'm not going to let one stupid fight ruin three months of convincing you that you don't want to live in London. When do you want to start flat hunting?"

Lily was very confused. How was this going to work? Lene was going to pretend that she hadn't been insulted? She was going to pretend that Lily hadn't blown up at her? She was going to pretend that she hadn't been incredibly insensitive to her best friend the day after her boyfriend broke up to her?

"What's going on?"

Lene sighed. "Listen Lil, I'm sorry. I know I'm horrible at comforting people and you were right in what you said. I'm sorry. And now I'm done talking about it and you can gloat in private. Can we be bestest best friends again?"

Lily smiled in spite of herself. "Who in their right mind wants to live on the coast?"

"Me."

"I said who in their right mind."

"Oh, very hurtful, Lil. Devastating."

Lily paused. "Lene? Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we good?"

"I hope so." Lene gave her a nervous smile.

Lily paused before speaking again, voicing the question that had been eating away at her for the better part of the day. "Then can I ask you a really stupid question?"

"The more ridiculous the better."

"Do you think... do you think I should be more upset over this all? I mean, I haven't... you know... fallen into any bouts of uncontrollable sobbing-"

"Yes you did. Yesterday morning after breakfast."

"Yeah, but in general..."

Lene shrugged. "I don't think so. I mean, it's not like it's impossible to get along without him. If you were totally dependent on having him in your life that wouldn't be very healthy. As soon as you can't get along without someone, it's like a part of yourself is gone, you know? It's not good in a relationship. You need to be able to get along without him. You can be upset and sad and everything, but when you're bursting into tears every time you see him, that's taking it a bit too far."

Lily looked up. For someone with no relationship experience, that actually made sense. "Where'd you learn that?"

Lene shrugged. "My cousin Fiona. Teen Witch. As long as you tune out the make-up and fashion bits, they both actually have some good advice. And you know how much I loved that magazine when I was twelve. And how many of Fiona's 'he loves me, no he hates me' rants I have sat through?"

"Oh. Well, thanks. I guess." She paused again, and began to feel tears in her eyes once more. "Lene, I'm so confused. I want him back so much... but at the same time, I can't even stand to be in a room with him!"

Lene tapped his fingers anxiously on the table, a sure sign that she was trying not to say something.

"What is it?"

"What? Nothing."

Lily raised her eyebrows, and Lene sighed.

"You really don't want to know."

"Yes I do. What?"

Lene took a deep breath. "This morning, while you were in here... James went flying. Again. He's been doing that a lot lately. A lot more than usual, anyway."

"And?"

"He met Doyle out on the pitch. They fought."

She felt the blood drain from her face.

"Doyle was yelling at him about what he said to you... How he was wrong... James started yelling at him about keeping his nose out of it... next thing you know they were both in the Hospital Wing being yelled at."

Lily buried her face in her hands. "Why does he always fight?"

Lene had no answer, and stayed silent.

"Why? Why am I so confused?"

Again, Lene did not answer..

Everything's all messed up...

Shaking her head, Lily stood. "I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

Lene nodded absently, staring intently at the table.

As she walked down the hall, Lily closed her eyes. Nothing was going right, for anyone. Everyone's life was messed up, and she was making everything worse. If James hadn't been such an idiot...

Oh great, her headache was back, and once again threatening to pound her head to powder.

She turned a corner, massaging her temples, and walked into something hard.

"Oof." Lily looked up at the body she had walked into, and quickly backed up.

"Lily, can we talk?"

This was the cause of her migraine. This idiot was the reason she couldn't sleep, or think, or talk to her best friend without breaking down.

"No, we can't." She turned and began to walk away, in the direction of the Tower.

"Please?" He was walking very quickly to keep up with her, not grasping the concept of her leaving him there in the hall.

"I think we've talked enough. Leave me alone, Potter." She doubled her pace.

"Lily - listen to me!"

"No! You wouldn't listen to me, why should I give you the time of day?"

He stopped very suddenly, and cast his eyes downward. "You... you shouldn't. But I'm asking you to anyway. Please Lily, just let me talk?"

Lily looked him directly in the eye before speaking, in what she hoped was a cold, indifferent tone. "You can talk all you want, Potter, but I don't have to stand here and listen."

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm really, really sorry. Lily, I love-"

She whirled around and slapped his face, almost as a reflex. "Don't say that to me! Not unless you really, truly mean it." She then realised what she had done. She had hit him. Oh no.

He looked at her pleadingly, but said nothing.

She felt tears pool behind her eyes. "That's what I thought."

She began to walk away again, and thankfully he did not follow. By the time she reached the end of the hall, she was fuming, but her eyes threatened to spill over, and her breathing was forced calm.

He doesn't. I don't. We're over and we both have to accept it. We have to.

Any trace of the good mood she had felt when she had been speaking with Lene again was gone. She felt nothing but an immense dislike for herself.

Why did you say that! Why did you do that! Why did this have to happen...

*

The Leaving Feast was in two hours. Lily did not want to go. But she would. But she really didn't want to. Although she should go. But did she have to? Yes. No! Maybe. Oh, damn it all anyway.

"Lily, you're going," Pat said, while rummaging around in a drawer. Pat was the only one of the three who had not yet packed, and Lily had volunteered to stay back for the afternoon and help her. She wasn't being much help though, as her mind kept wandering to other, less productive things. "You only get to go to seven of these in your lifetime, and you're not going to miss your very last one just because of a silly fight. You guys haven't even broken up, have you?"

Lily shrugged. Who knew what was going on. She should really talk to James about that, if they were still a couple, or not. Because if they weren't, it would be nice to have some closure. Just to make it final and all, get rid of any strings that were still hanging. Like the fact that she was still hopelessly in love with him, and wanted to pummel him all in one emotion.

"And you're Head Girl, there's probably some sort of thing you need to be there for. I don't know... Maybe McGonagall will give you a special little medal or something. Besides, don't you want to hear Professor Dumbledore's speech?"

Lily shrugged again. "I suppose so." She folded together some socks to try and distract her mind.

"Pat? Lil? You guys still here?" Lene came in, glancing around at the mess. "I guess so. Listen, I really, really want to go around the lake again, and we have enough time. D'you want to come?"

Lily stood up quickly. "Yeah. Let's go Pat, we can finish this later."

Pat looked around, then stood. "Let's go."