Something I Can Never Have

I still recall the taste of your tears

You cried, all alone, shaking, sobbing. I just passed by, and saw you. You never looked up when I held you through your worst. I knew why you cried. Your brother was dead. Another year, another attack on students in here. Only this time the Dark Lord had been doing a fine job making Potter miserable. Your Potter. And your brother.I just stepped to you, and touched your shoulder, then you grabbed my sleeve and fell to me, crying while mumbling about everything you ever endured: being small, a girl, that the Weasel still teased you about Potter, and that you´d give away everything just to have him tease you some more. And you cried. You sobbed desperately.

When you fell asleep, exhausted from crying, I left you at the bottom of Gryffindor Tower. There was nothing to say.

Echoing your voice just like a ringing in my ears

"Draco" you said, flushed red, angry as hell beside the lake next morning, eyes still red, but a determination unknown to me "If you ever tell anyone..." And then I smirked, and you insulted me and I knew it was game. And oh, I loved this game. I would insult, you would insult. I would make your cauldron melt at Potions,you would make whatever my actual Herbology project was, rot alive. I would make Granger cry, you would set fire to my cloak. And you yelled, with that beautiful voice you have. You yelled at me.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

You were there, in the Charms classroom. It was October, the eleventh. Just after lunch. You just wanted to be alone, I guess, so I just started being what you expected me to be: a Malfoy. Your slimy git, mademoiselle.

And then, you just stood up and kissed me. Kissed me. Me. Your lips tasted incredible. Sweet and intoxicating, like strawberry cream and vodka. And I knew I lost it. The game had no more sense. I surrendered to you. Totally.I don´t know how, to this very day. I never believed that could happen. Not with me. I´m supposed to be a Malfoy.

Scraping through my head `till I don´t want to sleep

Anymore.

It can´t be happening to me. I´ve been thinking about it for so much time. It simply can´t. I mean, I´m the one whose father supposedly had a hand in killing your favorite brother. I should be the enemy. Your enemy. Why do some things just happen to the wrong person? I could easily imagine you falling in love with someone. You´re all fire and passion and burning. I´m ice, cold, faraway.

You are always with me, in my dreams. I cannot bear to awake, most of the time. Maybe I should try some damn book, so I´ll not even begin.

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

Oh, drat. I´m thinking about you again. I really shouldn´t.

You know, what caught me the most in you? Your smell. Parkinson has a mania for strong perfume, Bulstrode, who follows her like a puppy, just does the same. Any where they went a small cloud of ylang-ylang gas goes by.

But you, you always smell like a spring afternoon, like blooming flowers and sunshine. I could lose myself in your bliss. No, I just wish I could...

I´m bound to just one thing

Duty comes first, he said, during the Christmas break. He. Father, mentor, personal demon haunting my life. My mother is afraid to even say his name aloud. Lucius. If only he would have never been born. I wouldn´t mind being not born, either, anyway. The more I think of my family name, of my duties, the less I care.

Father said duty to the name, the family, the blood was to be first. If only it was another pureblood, he said, it would be agreeable. Of course, when he asked me I had only said it was a girl that made my grades drop and... how did the mysterious letter say? Oh, yes, "acting odd". Plans could always be changed for a chance bigger than the Parkinsons. But when he heard your name, he just spat: Her? A Weasley?

And I´m starting to scare myself.

You know, when he spat out your name like it was something disgusting, I hit him. I hit my father in the eye. I never was even permitted to finish a sentence without his permission.

I really thought he would kill me.

He almost did. But I was not ashamed. For the first fucking time in my life I was really content. As I lay half-dead in my father´s study all night (the house elves had been forbidden to wash me up, and Lucius kept my mother locked up in her room almost every night, as usual), all I could do was feeling like no matter what he did, no matter how many curses he threw at me, I had won.

I just couldn´t believe I had done it.

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

I did it for you. For when you laughed when you were with me, a laugh Potter never had from you. For how you scolded me when I insulted your friends. For when you got detention in the Greenhouse just to be with me. For the valentine you never sent, because you made sure I knew how much you love me every day since that fateful first. A touch here, a message there. You taught me to love you as you showed me your love.

You have given me a soul.

I just want something

I just want something I can never have.

Oh, I almost forgot to pity myself for the day it happened, yes. Almost. May, the 3^rd. An unexpected visit, waiting for me at Hogsmeade. Of course, Hogwarts has charms that detect curses on school ground. That´s why I kissed you so desperately. That Day.I knew it was over. I´m sorry I could never tell you.

I was blinded by you, apparently. I missed the time Parkinson sent letters to my father about my "acting odd". I know she was the one who wrote those "concerned" letters. Oh, yes, Pansy´s in for some serious trouble. But I digress. I have still some self-pitying to do, it seems.

If you knew my father you would know that every time he thinks I did something he wouldn´t approve of, he starts with Veritas right away. Time is money, after all. He forbade me to carry on "it". Or else.

He forbade me to even think about you.

Can you imagine that?

You always were the one to show me how

Back then I couldn´t do the things I can do now.

I thought about going to Dumbledore. I could tell him everything I know about my father. The chamber under the main study´s floor. The dungeons´ western area. The hidden places in the ceiling. The cave entrance closed by a huge iron door.The Saturday meetings. The monthly Balls.

And you.

I could tell him about you, and you´ll be there, and I know he would try to understand, and I don´t care if I die but at least you could be safe... if only...

This thing is slowly taking me apart.

How can I decide? He would find me, I know. But I also know he would find you. And I am not willing to risk it all. What should I do? I am a Malfoy. I have always had only myself to turn to. I would really need a counsel now. I feel cold again. The dungeons are colder than they used to be in this season.

I feel like being stretched on a rack between you and... you. I want this to stop. Everything is spinning around me, and I cannot follow. I want to sleep, but then I´ll dream, and you´ll be there and I... and I´ll break.

Grey would be the color if I had a heart.

Welcome to nowhere, the land of the dead. Hills, valleys made of ashes. I read once that if you could see your soul, it would make you mad. That´s a lie. I cannot go mad. I have seen myself and lived to tell it.

It just makes me treasure more the days we spent together. Days gone.

Everything becomes cold, even when your inner voice screams endlessly. The Void has no mercy, even if it´s my own.

Come on and tell me

Just one more time. If I only could hear you say it one more time. I would give all I have if you but said it once to me. Just once more "I love you, Draco" and I will be gone forever, I will melt away in nothingness, just for one more...

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

Just one more time you would jump in my neck giggling and make me fall head first in the snow. Just one more time you would blush smiling when I tell you how incredibly beautiful you are. Just one more time you could well up against my chest in sleep. Just one more time. Then I´ll have all I could wish for.

I´m damned to just one thing

As I watch my forearm, I imagine I see the shadow of a Mark on it. I always wear long sleeves to hide it, though I know no one else may probably see it. I´ve even thought it was just my veins. My skin is pale, and my veins are quite visible, you see. Veins full of my damned Malfoy blood. Pure blood. Sure. As pure as venom in a viper´s bite.

And I´m starting to scare myself.

Sometimes, when I see you with Potter, the Perfect Prefect, or that freak Longbottom I think that maybe if I cut open my wrists all the bad blood would flow out. Maybe I can lose all of his blood, at least. Then I could go back to you by my own, without the shadow of my father. Or my father´s cursed Mark.

And sometimes I just wonder if I am sane. But unfortunately I am. It´s the only way not to let loose the images of you in my head. I am in control.

Now.

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

Did you know,that when you laugh, you make people want to laugh, too? I fellvictim to this so many times I can not even remember them all. The sweetest of curses, I always called it by myself. Too sappy to say out aloud, though you´d liked it. And when you´re happy, you throw around your hair like a flag of liquid fire. When you´re sad, you play with you cloak, and make me want to touch your soul with a Felicitas spell even in the middle of a Quidditch match.

I just want something

I just want something I can never have.

When I see the hurt in your eyes, when I hear you sobbing in the classrooms after everybody left, the only thing that keeps me far from you is... you. I sometimes wish I could cry like you do. Instead, I wear a mask of pure silver on my soul.

You can´t understand. How could you? You are so innocent. I hope you never change.

In this place it seems like such a shame

The Slytherins would have cast me out, if they knew. Not that I care about them. Haughty, nosy, sickening lot, except maybe Zabini but then he´s always away, anyway. They wouldn´t be caught dead with a Weasley. Not even Bulstrode, and Merlin, is she desperate for a date.

Though it all looks different now

I know it´s still the same

Nothing has changed. I think people assume I just had a bed period. They were really concerned. I am still their leader, after all. They adore me once more. I am their Ice Prince again. Only when I look in their eyes, sometimes, I see the shadow of a doubt. Then it´s gone. And I wouldn´t care about anything... if only when I look into your eyes wouldn´t I see all that could have been, ant that I lost.

That day.

Everywhere I look you´re all I see

I quitted playing Quidditch. I simply couldn´t - no, better didn´t care to - see the Snitch anymore. I see only you hair, far up between Potter and Patil, amidst the Gryffindor team, ant the only thing I want to catch is you. So I became Captain, as it was expected of me.

I stopped studying in the library, too. I know your favorite spot, and it is just besides the seventh years´ recommended reading section. My section, as you used to say.

I take as many meals as possible in the Slytherin common room. I make others bring me food. I am their Prince, after all, Seeker or not.

Just the fading, fucking reminder

Of whoI used to be

And I see you everywhere, I remmber how I used to inhale the sweet scent of you hair between "Serpentis, Farrah" and "Smith, Iphigenia", in the farthest rows of the Library. Or how I could get round Filch just to make some noise, so he followed me instead of you at night, when we parted. Or when I found anunicorn in the Forbidden Forest and I took you to see it.

Of how I hit my father in the eye when he spoke ill of you. That is one of my favorite figures from the album of my memories.

Memories of another age.

Come on and tell me,

Somebody tell me. Somebody explain why does this have to be... How could this be happening? Why us? Why you? You could have had so much more... I cannot bear to see you unhappy, but I have no choice.

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

The world desperately needs you to be in it. You are the spring warmth that melted away my ice. You are all I am not, just as I am all you are not. We match perfectly, light and dark, white and red. You are hope personified. If you could thaw my heart, maybe the world is not in such a big mess, after all.

I´m damned to just one thing

And I´m starting to scare myself.

I used to see your face before me. To hear your voice. To smell your perfume. To feel your presence. And you were taken away from me. Sometimes I just wish so violently that you were here, that I nearly faint from the pain in my chest. I wouldn´t wonder if one day someone found me frozen by your absence. I am afraid of what you do to me.

You make this all go away

You make it all go away

I love what you did to me. You made me smile. You made me feel... what could that be? Loved? You know, like when you´re just content to be. Peace. Maybe. You were my peace. You still are, in my thoughts. Sometimes. I will change things. One day. For you. I will stand before...

I just want something

Before him, and then I will kill Lucius. One day, I will kill him. I will Crucio him, Imperio him and Veritas him. And then I will kill him. Just so I can hold you again.

I just want something I can never have.

And suddenly I remember how I stood before him, that day. Him. My father.My doom. How I stood and took in what he just said.

And I cry now, I have not cried then. I cannot keep it inside any more. I love you, Ginny. I can´t do anything else for now. I´ll protect you. I´m sorry.

I just want something I can never have.

"The moment I am informed that you are seeing Virginia Weasley again, Draco" my father had said simply "I´ll kill her."