Lean on Me, I Won't Fall Over

falling
thinking
when I have nothing--

It was dripping slightly at the corner. He had made a good catch for it - his hand had shot out right after the owl had disdainfully let it go, and right before his brain could register the seal. His fingers had failed him, then, and the roll of parchment had dropped right onto his plate. He'd kept staring at it for a full thirty seconds, the flap of owl's wings still ringing in his ears, before he gingerly pushed it away from his bacon with a fork.

Sirius' anger was hot at his left; James and Peter's eyes, boring into his face, weren't helping against the fear that was taking hold of his jaw, his teeth, spreading to his tongue.

Damn.

If they hadn't been there, maybe he could have-- pretended he'd never gotten it, or something, but they were - so he had only one option left. He could only do what Remus Lupin would do. He grabbed the parchment, tore away the seal and let the letter unroll.

***

"Fuck off, Padfoot."

Sirius took the few steps that separated him from the edge, pulling his cloak tighter around him. The winter wind was not forgiving, surely not in Scotland, and most definitely not on the roof of the Gryffindor Tower. "Awfully nice of you, mate. Missed you too," he answered, tone light and teasing.

Remus just huddled himself up further in the cloak. A few moments passed in silence before Sirius, apparently tired of standing, dropped crosslegged on the floor. Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, he said, keeping his voice casual, "Going to take a place of my own, I am, y'know."

Remus answered with a grunt, a rise of his eyebrows, and a word. "London?"

Sirius nodded, then went on, talking to his hands. "I-- well, uncle Alphie left me enough, and, well." He raised his eyes to Remus' face. He was looking away, his profile drawn in sharp contrast with the orange light of sunset, probably the position he'd kept all along. "I was - would you help me look around?"

It was enough to surprise Remus into finally meeting his eyes. "What? I mean- why?" The only reply he got was a slight shrug. "Look, if this is--"

Sirius shook his head, cutting him off. "No, I- I want something in the Muggle side, I could use your help." A pause, then he pressed on. "You don't want to keep telling yourself 'Black, that poor sod, if only I'd warned him against the bread eating machine', now do you?"

That coaxed a smile out of Remus, who slowly sat down beside him, legs close to his chest, arms wrapped around them. "Well." A little sigh. "It can be arranged, I guess. Next weekend?" Sirius nodded, and the wry look on Remus face told him he wasn't at all surprised by the positive answer.

If Sirius hadn't been looking closely, he would have missed the moment when Remus' smile got hard at the edges, how it faltered and became considerably closer to a grimace. The way he let his head drop on his knees. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Sirius, Sirius, I don't want to do this. I don't want them to mark me, to bloody brand me! What the-- what the fuck am I?"

Sirius hands were clasped together, fingers tightening painfully. He wanted to touch Remus, his arms ached with it, but he didn't know how. He drew in a breath, kept it inside for a moment. When he spoke, it was with a soft voice. "We could always run away and join a circus" He felt ill for making a joke out of this. But joking was what he was best at, and by the way, things like 'it will be alright' or 'we won't let them or 'I won't let them' were out of bounds. You don't lie to a mate.

You don't betray a mate, either, but he tried not to think of it.

Remus' shoulders started shaking and Sirius started panicking. It was laughter, though, a little on the hysterical side, but laughter nonetheless. "Yeah, why not. WereMoony and Padfoot, the Wolf Tamer."

A pause, then Sirius blurted out, "We won't let you go down, Remus. We won't."

"I know." Remus' voice was low, quiet. From his nose came something that sounded suspiciously like sniffling. "I know."

The morning after, both of them woke up with one hell of a cold.

I'll tell you a secret
so please keep it

It had taken nothing short of begging and pleading, but Remus had convinced Sirius to stay outside. Outside of the building, that is. A simple door would have done nothing to keep him out of trouble - and there was no doubt there would have been, had Sirius come in contact with any of the --doctors, as they called themselves.

Remus let his head collide with this door. He felt tired, worn to the bone, only the adrenaline still running in his blood keeping him together. This was it. Official Dark Creature. Registered, and-- and everything. All this rush to mark him - probably they'd been afraid he would have vanished as soon as he left Hogwarts.

He wasn't entirely sure they were wrong.

Oh, his kingdom for a cup of tea and a warm blanket and never, ever have to move again. He tried to think of something better than sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping, and waking up only to see that it wasn't daylight yet. He wasn't having much success.

Before anyone could come and remove him physically from the door, he grabbed the doorknob and twisted it open.

Sirius was there.

Slouched on the chair, glaring at - everything and everyone, he supposed, but he was there, that slouch so painfully familiar and warm against the washed greyness of the walls, the chairs, the whole building. And then, and then he saw the tag on his robe, the little square that read Just Sirius, Wolf Tamer. His lips started to curve, he could feel it.

He blinked. "Just Sirius?"

Sirius started at the voice, then said quietly, "They kept asking for my surname."

Remus had a sudden image of Sirius fighting with a bodiless voice in a telephone box. He felt a bubble of laughter coming up his throat and he had no strength left to stop it. He fell backwards against the door, closing his eyes and letting the laughter ripple out of him, without reserve or restraint, and he didn't stop even when tears started prickling at the corner of his eyes, because he did have an excuse for them now.

It took a while, but he got himself under control. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and took a deep breath. Then, he straightened up and turned in the exit's direction. "Let's go. Out. Out of here."

The arm that fell on his shoulders was, frankly, unexpected. The warmth it brought, it was - trying hard to hide a wince, Remus stepped forward, escaping it. "Let's go?" His voice sounded awfully frisky to his ears. He didn't turn around. Even that simple warmth had been too much, he couldn't afford to break down, not here, not now, not yet.

***

The air had been cold and biting for a good two weeks, before snow finally decided to fall down. However long it had taken, now it was making a good job of it, thought Sirius, glancing over his shoulders at the two tracks he and Remus were leaving on the white ground. The steps didn't so much as brush each other. If there was a metaphor there, he definitely didn't like it.

From the corner of his eye he could see Remus' face, looking down, chin hidden in his read-and-gold scarf. His mouth worked for a few seconds around words that, apparently, didn't want to come out. Sirius suddenly felt very, very restless, manic energy going like a shock through his limbs, down his legs and down his spine. He tried to mask it as a shiver of cold, reaching out with a hand to adjust the hat he was wearing.

Talking used to come easily to them, Sirius thought. God, there had been no shutting them up sometimes. There was a coldness around them, now, that had little to do with the winter air. Maybe, if there had been the others - but Dumbledore had made enough of a fuss just to let him go with Remus, they hadn't even tried to mention James and Peter. He shoved away the thought that maybe, had it been James instead of him, Dumbledore wouldn't have made a fuss at all.

People pushed past them, some of them carrying bags. Shopping, probably, clothes, or food. It was getting late in the afternoon, someone might have started cooking dinner. Sirius didn't much care. Second crosslight on the right and there it was, the narrow street that would take them to the Portkey back to Hogsmeade. Sirius nudged Remus in the side. Whatever dark thoughts Remus had been mulling over, he looked over and smiled, the little dimple in his right cheek making a brief appearance. He nudged back and everything seemed better for a while.

"I'm sorry it took me so long. We'll have to look for a flat another time."

"Oh shut up, you. I'll just kidnap you next June. Who knows, it might even be easier," he added in a wry tone, to see Remus smile. He did, but it looked like a forced one.

It wasn't even that Sirius didn't know what to say. He should still know. He was still him, Remus was still Remus - but they were not still them, and the fact that Sirius knew perfectly well where the blame lay didn't exactly make it easier to bear.

Every mess would have sorted itself out, one way or the other, he had used to be always so sure of it; and he had usually been right. He found he almost missed feeling that invincible, missed not being afraid he was going to hear glass shatter under his every step.

And then, something did crush under his foot. Sirius stopped dead and slowly lifted his leg, looking alternatively at the little toy on the ground - was it a toy? - and at the shoe's sole. Remus laughed out loud and it was wonderful to hear. "Padfoot, I swear, nothing Muggle is going to eat you today."

Sirius' leg was still raised; an eyebrow lifted to match it. "You'll save me, then, Prince Moony?" Oh fucking shit, could he get any lamer?

Remus reached over with a hand and pulled Sirius' hat down, almost covering his eyes. The affectionate gesture made Sirius' heart swell, just a bit. "Ever told you my folks were uncertain between Remus and Charming? But if it's too big I'll run."

Sirius had to raise his chin rather high to keep looking at Remus, wool interfering with his field of vision, but he wanted to keep the hat the way it was. Such a friend, he almost said, before thinking better of it. "True Gryffindor at heart, mate - what is that?"

"Uh?" Remus turned around-- and found himself face deep in the snow, having been promptly tackled to the ground. "Ooof! You big oik - get off me!" But he was laughing in between gasping breaths, trying to get away from Sirius' tickling hands.

"Beware the Mad Muggle attack!" He was managing to escape from under Sirius' chest, though, so he rose on his arms enough to move and straddle Remus' thighs.

Bad, bad, bad move.

Remus let out a low hiss - Sirius thought at once he'd noticed something he shouldn't have noticed, but - no, it was a hiss of pain. Pain? In a second he let Remus free, allowing him to slowly sit up in jerky motions, a hand pressed against his leg.

"It's no--" but he stopped, seeing Sirius' face. He opened his mouth, then closed it. A slight shrug before murmuring "My number."

He looked down at Remus' hand, still on his leg. High up, on the left thigh, rather to the side. A number. There. Sirius stared at him, dumbfounded. "Your what?" It made sense, it made an horrible, horrible sense, and he didn't want it to.

Remus looked away.

When he had talked of branding, Sirius' hadn't really understood. He'd refused to think it could mean anything further than a stamp on his papers.

And, admittedly, he hadn't wanted to ask.

It took him less than a second to get up and start marching down the road, in the Ministry's direction, paying no attention to the sound of snow being crunched under someone's feet, nor to the shout of "Sirius!" that came from behind him. Remus' hand clamped on his arm, and it took some willpower not to shrug it away. "What do y--"

"Don't ask me what I want to do, Remus, you bloody well know! They won't be able to see any light for months!"

This time he did try to pull his arm away, but Remus leaned on it with all his force. But that might have been because of the ice under his feet. "Sirius, STOP! As if hexing them will change a thing!"

Sirius was shouting by now, there was no helping it. "How can I let them do something like this to you? How could you? Why-- why didn't you say anything?"

Remus shouted right back. "Yeah, of course! I should have written back 'Thanks, but no thanks', shouldn't I? And have them make me drop Hogwarts at once? Fat lot of good it would have done me!"

"But-"

"But nothing, Sirius! I have no fucking say in the matter, because ever since age eight I've been a bloody animal!"

On 'animal' Remus' voice broke, and so did Sirius. He grabbed Remus by the shoulders and pulled him flush against his chest, holding him tight, whispering fiercely "Shut up, shut up, shut up" in his ear, over and over. Remus, startled by the sudden contact, started to relax by degrees. His hands grabbed the front of Sirius' robe, but he didn't push him away. "You're not an animal. I'll kill anyone who says otherwise."

Remus' reply came muffled by the cloak's fabric. "I'm not coming to fetch you out of Azkaban, you're warned."

Sirius only moved one hand to the back of his head. An unexpected "I'm sorry" fell out of his mouth, even before he'd fully thought it.

"What for? You--" a little pause here "haven't done anything."

Oh, but he had. He had. He couldn't bring himself to say out loud that he had been the first to treat Remus like an animal, couldn't bring himself to relinquish Remus' warmth, so he just held him tighter. "Why didn't you tell us?" he whispered, meaning how couldn't I guess?

Remus pushed his head against the curve of Sirius' neck. "It's - it's so humiliating, Padfoot," he blurted out, in a tone probably more dejected than what he'd really intended. "I didn't want anyone to know, you least of all."

Sirius couldn't think, Remus' closeness was making him dizzy, he only knew he wanted to give him some comfort, so he did it in the most instinctive way he knew. Without warning - for both of them - he dropped a kiss right under Remus' ear.

Remus went rigid in his arms.

Sirius thought distinctly, oh, shit.

When Remus tried to pull away, he didn't have the strength to stop him, to say anything, to make it a joke. Remus didn't go very far, though, just enough to be able to look him in the eye. Well, look. He was downright scrutinizing him, gaze sharp on his face, and Sirius couldn't bring himself to look away. Or think. Not that he did that very often anyway.

Before he knew it, Remus' hands fled to his hat and pulled him down roughly, toward his face, toward his lips, that fell open under his and fuck but he was kissing Remus and he-- His lips slid on Remus', mouths opening, closing, then opening again, his stomach constricted in a painful grip, his own hands moving to his head, through his hair, bringing him closer, closer, closer, until he felt like he was just about to lose balance, fall down and bring Remus with him, but who cared when he could feel that hand curling around his neck, that arm reaching around his shoulders, that tongue pushing through his lips, and it wasn't winter, it couldn't be winter, it had never felt more summer than now.

They parted, eventually, the cold creeping back in between them. Sirius closed his eyes, holding onto Remus' cloak for dear life, trying to catch his breath. He leaned in, letting their foreheads touch softly.

"Thank you."

Sirius' eyes flew open. What--

"Thank you for coming with me, for being here. There. I- I appreciated it."

Sirius blinked. He supposed he should say something like you're welcome. What came out, in a rather frantic voice, was something else indeed. "If you thought even for a second that I did it just to make you feel better--"

Remus cut him off with a hand on his mouth, laughing softly. "No, no. Just-- felt like saying it. Wanted to say it all day, in fact." Another laugh. "And technically, I was the one who 'did it'."

The quotation marks were clear in his voice. Sirius realized he was smiling, had probably been for a while. "So... Will you do it again? Or-- or let me do the doing?"

Remus chuckled. Again. If he was feeling like just about anything could set him off and make him laugh until tomorrow, then they were definitely on the same ground. "Oh, yes, I think I will. Both."

Sirius couldn't resist. He kissed Remus again. And again. And again. Soft, tiny kisses that he couldn't stop dropping, because Remus' lips were so damned addictive-- and rather responsive, too. Making himself stop and whisper to Remus

"We really should head back"

was by far the hardest thing he could remember ever doing.

Remus got a speculative look in his eyes. "Hmm... I think I'll have to stay up until late tonight, to finish that essay. In the common room."

He wouldn't have needed to add anything else, even if Sirius hadn't known, or remembered, that there wasn't any essay due in the foreseeable future. His tone and the look in his eyes were more than enough. He felt like he was never going to be able to breathe properly again.

Another firm, tight kiss and they were grabbing the handle of the last door to the left.

They vanished in the air.

But when it comes down to the truth
It comes down to you