Acceptance Is Such a Big Word

"I've got him under my skin. It's so deep, impossible to take out. I wonder if it would help if I replaced my blood. I guess not, the stubborn git wouldn't want to get out. There are many words to describe him. Wonderful. Intoxicating. Beautiful. Guys are not supposed to be beautiful, I've heard. Hell, I don't care. He's beautiful to me. He makes you want to kiss him, ravage him. Right there and then when you see him. It doesn't matter where exactly you are. Great Hall, Potions classroom...it's so trivial.

A few years ago, I would have hexed anyone brave enough to tell me that I'd ever harbour these feelings for him. But today, now, I am sitting here, telling you all about my love. The deepest, truest feelings coming from my very heart, my very soul. For he is--was my heart and my soul. My everything. He was my reason to live.

Is--was--is, who cares about tenses? He might no longer be here anymore, but...but he IS. He is in me. Not 'was', but 'is' and always will be.

We've all changed. It's been a few years since my last year at Hogwarts, but it feels like decades, centuries even. That's how much we change. People grow, evolve, develop. He and I--we've done enough growing up to satisfy us for the rest of the millennium.

How can you question me now? How can you doubt me? Or worse, how can you doubt HIM? One of your best men, best friend, someone so loyal and trustworthy. He would have given his life to the cause, I don't doubt it. How can you question his love, his trust in me, when I am showing such blunt evidence of it? How dare you?

We've had our rough times, I won't sugar-coat it and tell you that each moment of our relationship was extraordinary great. But what we had, what we shared, it was wonderful. No, it was even more, beyond words.

He was the first one to trust me. However unlikely that may sound, he trusted me. We became friends first. We hid it. Then we became something even more -we hid it. We knew, we always knew it was inevitable. The hiding drove us madder and madder with each passing day, each secret glance, stolen kiss somewhere in the dark. Some days were worse than others. At those days, we didn't feel brave enough to continue. We fought over it, it was difficult. Choosing between breaking it off and exposing us to the world was like choosing a way to die and you can't decide which way would be more painful than the other.

I guess we were cowards in both aspects. One, because we were afraid to let go, scared of a life without one another. Two, because we were afraid to face the exaggerated reactions of the world, we should have said 'Fuck the world', but it's too late for that now, isn't it?

You can't accept the truth, you can't face it. That's why I am here now, sitting in front of you. That's why you'd rather now listen. It's easier not to believe.

I can't convince you, I don't know how. I can only tell you just what a wonderful person he is, but you already knew that. Unless you've forgotten. He was loyal, friendly, stubborn as hell. He loved me, I know he loved me. And I love him, I wish I had a chance to tell him that. Oh God, I love him so much.

Yet again I ask you: How dare you? How dare you throw me here, chained and exposed? How dare you when I love him so much? You don't want the truth, you want only what is easy. That is why I am here.

Ironically, I am accused for murdering the only person I have ever loved. I know what lies before me. You'll give me the life sentence. Because you can't take the truth. Chew it, swallow it, digest it--you can't do that. Lock me, throw away the key--that's what you can do.

I have so many memories; so many happy memories carved into me. I won't let them go, I won't. Even when years pass by, I won't give up. I'll always remember the way he laughed, the way he talked and the way he touched me. I'll always remember him. Even when the Dementors come, they won't be able to suck those memories out of me. They can suck all they want, but they will not get what they need. Because I will never give up my memories to the monsters. I love them too much.

It's easier to believe that I killed him, rather than love him. Because a person like me can't love, right? It is impossible. I am sorry because you think like that. I understand you, I do. But you will never get what you want. I will never lose myself--lose him--wherever you throw me.

This is my trial, but not my end, I assure you. I will continue to live in a prison cell and be sure, I will torture you with doubt. Have you really made the right decision? Are you sure? All of you, I assure you, when you throw me in a cell for something I haven't done, when you choose what is easy to believe, when you choose that, from that moment further, you will not have a peaceful night. You will forever doubt your decision, it will tear you apart. I know that, and I can't decide whether to be happy or sorry."

He knew, he was right. He watched the hands go up, quickly judging. He watched the Wizengamot accusing him. He was ready, or at least he thought so, to actually see his sentence, but he almost blacked out. He will be in prison for life, only because he loved, only because he was misunderstood, because the wizarding world didn't believe in his love.

"Before I go, I just want to say something. I wish I had a chance to say goodbye, say how much I miss him. I miss him so much that it hurts to say it. I miss is laugh, his kisses and touches; I miss the way he'd make me feel like we're the only two people on the planet. God, Ron, I miss you so much, I miss you so much love!"

But they, they didn't understand, they couldn't. "Guards, please take away the prisoner. Put him where he belongs with his disgusting lies!" And the guards complied.

A lone voice broke away from a corner, maybe just a bit too quiet to be heard. "Wait! Stop, I believe him. I believe Malfoy."