Possibly the Most Angst-Filled Sirius/James Fic Ever

Godric's Hollow, Wales, Halloween 1981, about midnight....

It was dark. The ruins of a house surrounded three people. The first was a woman, and she was dead. Her green eyes stared unseeingly at the sky, her auburn hair was tangled, and her hands clutched nothing, as though she had been holding something close to her when she died. The second person was a man, and he was dead as well. His eyes were wide with fear, his mouth was open with shock and his right hand was closed firmly on what appeared to be a smooth stick.

The third person in the building was alive. He was standing quietly, staring at the sky with an expression that revealed no emotion, and he was lost in the past.

On board the Hogwarts Express, September 1^st 1964....

He was sitting by the window, staring out of it. He was on his way to Hogwarts for the first time, and every relative he had seen had told him, repeatedly, that he would do horribly. His mother had even gone so far as to tell him that when he was expelled, he would have to fend for himself. His father....

"Hullo, can I sit in here?"

He looked around. A boy with untidy black hair and large glasses was standing there, looking at him with a friendly expression. He nodded and gestured to the seat opposite him. The other boy flopped casually down.

"Name's James Potter. What's yours?"

"Sirius Black," he said, shortly. He didn't feel like talking.

"You nervous? I am. My dad says that I'll do fine, but I'm not so sure." James grinned. "I'm trying not to worry too much, but you know how it is."

"Worse for me," said Sirius, deciding he could tell James. He suspected the other boy had seen his gloomy expression and wanted to find out what was wrong, and this was such a novel situation that he thought it best to tell quickly, before James could change his mind. "My mum says I'll be expelled, my dad says I'll fail the exams, my aunt says I'll be in detention every night, and the rest of my family say various other things that are equally pleasant."

"Seems to me," commented James, "that they're trying to make it worse. If my relatives said stuff like that, I'd be determined to prove them wrong. I'll bet you're the top of the year."

Sirius very slowly knelt down besides James's body. He reached out and took the wand from his friend's hand, and put it away. Then he turned James on his side. James had always slept on his side, with one thumb tucked in his mouth and the other hand resting on his side, so Sirius positioned his hands accordingly. Then he reached down and closed James's eyes.

Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin, James Potter and Sirius Black. The four inseparables, the Marauders. James had been the leader, but Sirius had also had ideas, and James had always listened to him. When Sirius left home, James's family had taken him in. And the two of them had been close, maybe too close at times....

Gryffindor common room, February, 1971....

"I still don't get why she won't go out with me," muttered James.

"Neither do I," said Sirius, who could not see how anyone could refuse James.

"She's dating Jordan McGee, isn't she?" asked Remus, busily scribbling at an essay. "Maybe that's why."

"She broke up with him last week," objected James, in a plaintive tone. "But I asked her did she want to go out with me for Valentine's Day, and she told me bugger off you git, who'd want to date you? And I said, well, some people do, and she said they must be nutters."

Sirius said nothing. He found himself wondering why Lily Evans so steadfastly refused to have anything to do with James, when he was trying so hard to make her see that he had changed. Sirius knew, although he did not acknowledge it, that if James had been treating Sirius as he treated Lily, Sirius would never be able to refuse.

Remus shook his head at James. "Leave her alone a bit, mate, she'll change her mind a lot quicker if you don't badger her." He turned and left the common room, heading to the dormitories. Peter followed a moment later.

"Listen, James," said Sirius, looking at his friend. "I don't know why she's doing it, but I agree with Remus. Back off and leave her be for a bit, and she'll see how you've changed. You're a nice chap, and you are better-looking than most of the other boys in the school-"

"Not you," James pointed out.

"I suppose it depends on your perspective," said Sirius, blushing. "But, I mean, if you back off far enough that she can see you properly, all of you, she'll have to change her mind. There's no girl alive that wouldn't."

James was quiet for a moment. Then he nodded. "All right, mate. I'll take your advice. G'night." And squeezing Sirius's shoulder, he left the room. Sirius stared after him, and for the millionth time wondered why he couldn't handle being touched by his best friend.

Sirius crossed to Lily's corpse and closed her eyes. He crossed her arms across her chest, his face as blank as a very blank thing. Then he returned to James.

Godric's Hollow, Wales, July 31^st 1980....

James Potter was pacing anxiously outside the building when Sirius arrived. "She kicked me out," he complained. "I wanted to help, but she said to bugger off she'll be fine by herself, and I wouldn't be any help anyway. And I said, please can I help or I'll go mad, and she said it was news to her that I wasn't already, and I said that I could help, I read up on it, and she said that I'm about as helpful as a badger with its head in an oatmeal container and she wants this child born alive, thanks all the same. And I said that-"

"Yes, yes, I get the idea," said Sirius, quickly. "Look, what's the trouble? She says she can handle it and you're close enough for her to call in if she needs anything." James's face remained creased in a frown. "Look, I'll go in and help if she'll let me, okay?" said Sirius desperately. "I read more than you, and I used to help Madam Pomfrey... I know a bit more about this sort of thing than you, maybe she'd let me help...."

James hesitated. "Well... if she'll let you help her... I'd feel better if she wasn't alone...."

"Okay, mate. I'll go and see, shall I?"

"Yeah, you do that," said James. "Thanks." He hugged Sirius briefly.

Sirius entered the house, and James sat down to wait...

"I'm sorry, Jamie," muttered Sirius. "I never meant it to turn out like this. I'll take care of him, one way or another...."

...Sirius emerged from the house. James ran to him.

"Which is it? Is Lily all right? Is the baby all right? Did-"

"Boy, yes, yes," cut in Sirius. "Go on in and see for yourself."

He remembered thinking that he could not stand to see another person making him third closest to James... Lily had already replaced him as the closest... but he had seen the child and the bitterness was gone, and a feeling of utter peace surrounded him. He loved the boy already, not as he loved James, but as he would love his own child if he had one, which he knew he would not.

And now, standing by his best friend's lifeless body, Sirius knew he had to say the words he had wanted to say for years.

"I never told you, did I, mate?" whispered Sirius. "I love you."

Then he bent down and kissed James's corpse and very quietly turned away, heading off to find the murderer. And then, if things went well, he might be able to clear himself of all blame... and then he could raise Harry as James would have....

With these thoughts swimming through his head, Sirius Black walked away from the sad body of his best friend, away from his life's love, and headed off to find Peter Pettigrew.