What I Never Said

One minute I am there, laughing at her, taunting her...

"Come on, you can do better than that!"

The next minute I am falling... falling away from what truly matters to me. I catch a glimpse of his face as I fall, his horror and surprise piercing me to my core. I had let him down before and this was my chance to make it up to him, to be what I was supposed to be, what I was designated to be in his life. As the blackness surrounds me, I can hear him screaming for me, his pain becoming my pain. Harry. My best friend's only child. All I had left of Lily and James. My godson. My family. He is there, behind that veil, waiting for me to come back, calling for me as though I am all he has left. In a sense, I suppose you could say I *was* all he had left. No one knew James as I did, not even Remus. I was the last family that Harry had left and now he didn't have me anymore.

There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much I had been hoping for. I wanted my name cleared with the Ministry, to live in a home, lead a normal life. I wanted Dumbledore to release Harry from the care of those horrible Dursleys and allow him to come live with me. I wanted to spend the time that was rightfully mine with Harry. I wanted to see him graduate, begin a career, get married, have children. I wanted to make up for all the lost years...

But instead, I'm falling away from him.

If only I had not taunted Bellatrix... if only I had not let my guard down, stopped to laugh at her. If only...

Those will not help now. The one thing that truly bothers me is the things I didn't say to him, the things he deserved to hear every day for the rest of his life.

I'm proud of you.

You are my family.

You are more like James than you could ever know.

I love you.

That last thought eats away at me and I feel the tears escaping from my eyes. I should have been telling Harry that from the moment I laid eyes on him. Since the moment that he saved me.

"I love you Harry! You are more than you will ever know!" I yell, hoping against all that he can hear me, but knowing better at the same time. His anguished voice is ringing in my ears now, calling me back...

I know that he has others. I know that Remus will look after him, that Molly will comfort him, that Ron and Hermione will support and take care of him... but who will love him? Who will tell him that *I* loved him? Of all the things I didn't see happen, what I didn't say is what haunts me the most. It will haunt Harry too.

~End~