Secrets

It's not her fault. It's not as if Lavender knows I like Seamus or anything. If she had, I know she never would have asked him to the Yule Ball in the first place. I mean, really, I can't blame her. Seamus is a great guy, that's why I like him so much. He's sweet, kind, polite, funny, Irish... I mean, what's there not to like? Okay, I'll admit that his language can be a bit vulgar, but it's only one flaw against multiple bits of perfection, right? No one else is perfect, so why should I expect Seamus to be?

My mum has always told me not to expect others to be more than you expect yourself to be. Words of wisdom, as usual. Mum really knows her stuff. She is the only person I even thought of telling about my crush. Even Padma doesn't know the whole truth, just that I think Seamus is cute. I feel bad for not telling her everything, like I'm breaking some sort of sacred twin thing.

I just can't bring myself to talk about it. It's like... if I actually say the words, even just to Padma or Lavender, it makes it seem so real. And I'm not sure I'm ready for real. Not yet. Right now, I'm happy with fantasies and dreams.

I'm scared too. Scared of Seamus finding out about this. There's no way he could like me too. If he ever found out I would die of embarassment. He would laugh and talk to his friends about what a fool I am. I think that has to be my biggest flaw; always assuming the that worst can and will happen. If you don't expect anything, you can't be dissapointed. It goes against my Mum's words, yes, but to me, they're the truth. I start to hope, and it'll all come crashing down. I'm so afraid of the bad that I can't even attempt to find the good.

Is that what my life will be like? Living alone because I'm too afraid to take risks? If that's the case, then why the hell am I a Gryffindor? Bravery is the strongest trait amongst us lot, yet I don't seem to have any inside of me.

I used to wish that I was in Ravenclaw, like Padma, but I know that I just don't have the dedication to school that it takes. I'm just not smart enough. If I was, then I would have the brains to just march right on up to Seamus and tell him I like him. Wait, that would take more bravery than anything. No, I think I should have been in Slytherin. At least there I could be stupid and cowardly and fit in at the same time.

Wait... Did I just wish to be in Slytherin? Have I sunk to that level? No. I won't stand for it. I will not let myself become so wasteful that I asscoiate with those creeps. I think it would be easier just to talk to Seamus -about something other than football or Quidditch.

It may be easier for me to talk to him, but it wouldn't be fair. Not to Lavender, she's his date for the Yule Ball, I couldn't ruin that for her. Not to Harry, my date for the Yule Ball, who I really don't want to go with anyway. I'll just keep it to myself, keep it my own little secret. I'll just stay here, in my fantasy land, waiting for the Yule Ball to be done and over with. I just pray that Lavender doesn't fall for Seamus, or that he doesn't fall for her, because then I'd never be able to admit my true feelings to anyone. I don't hurt people, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. I'd rather keep secrets. At least secrets can't hurt people, not the way words can. They just make you cynical, and cynical is better than hurtful.