Open Letter

Chapter Six

"One night towards the end, I was present at a gathering. Not really a meeting, just the group getting together to socialise. I never went to these but as the Dark Lord was going to speak later that evening I thought it best to attend.

"The organisation itself had many layers. You never knew about the one above you until you were inducted into it. I cannot even say for sure that I was in the highest level, but I was of rank high enough to see the Dark Lord in person and receive instruction from his lips.

"Gatherings like these had many people who were simply prospective members. This gave inducted members a chance to feel them out and decide who was ready to be taken further in. There was the main ballroom, which looked splendid. There the influential purebloods mingled. I started to enter that room when Lucius Malfoy stopped me. He told me that the real gathering was going to be downstairs if I cared to join them. As I had never been to one of these events before, I had no idea what sort of entertainment was in store.

"They brought a young woman into the room. I could tell she was a Muggle from her clothing. The group assembled started casting various spells at her and laughing at the results. Each person was going in turn and trying to out perform the last spell. The girl saw me simply standing there and ran to me. She clutched my robes and pleaded for help. I looked at her and I saw my sister looking back at me. It wasn't even that she resembled my sister in physical appearance, she just felt like Zena. Her kindness and simple joy. I pushed her away. I could have helped her, but I did not. I pushed her away and back into the midst of those jackals and I left.

"I went back to my home and sat in the study. I wept. The first time I had ever cried after Mother's death. I wept for Zena and all the girls like her that I had sent to death. I wept for the people who were now without their daughter, sister, mother, or lover thanks to me. I knew then that what I was doing was wrong.

"The next day I contacted Albus Dumbledore. He had always been a kind man and I felt that I needed to confess what I had done. I expected to be turned over to the Aurors, I deserved that. Instead I was offered a chance for penance. I would spy on the Dark Lord and help to stop the pain and death.

"I had to break away from my friends. I was never very close to Avery or Lestrange and Bella had become a stranger to me after studying under the Dark Lord. I tried to save Evan and Melora from the mistakes they were making. It was difficult to talk to them alone but I did. I knew that I could safely tell them I had doubts. In the end they were too devoted to the new "elite" that the Dark Lord told them they were. Aurors killed them both.

"I am still spying today. I am still trying to right my wrongs. I thought that when the Dark Lord was defeated I would find peace. I did not find it. I had lost my only friends in the struggle. I was still marked by darkness. I will always be dark I know that. My deeds will never stop haunting me. I can push them away, but they happened and they will always be there... waiting."

He trailed off and turned to face me. "Hermione," his voice sounded so pained that it hurt me to hear it. "That is why I cannot let you be with me. I cannot let you taint yourself. I want you but that is the darkness in me. I do not deserve your goodness. I am forever branded as evil."

His voice rose in a crescendo until he reached the last sentence. He hurriedly rolled up his sleeve and I saw the mark. It was a vibrant black that seemed to suck all light into it, a black hole that held evil in its core. I felt the urge to flinch away but then I turned my eyes to his face. He was staring at his arm and crying silently. His face perfectly reflected the torture within.

I looked at his face and I thought of everything that I knew about him. How even though he disliked Harry he had worked to save him. How he had tried to protect us in the Shrieking Shack when he found us with the "murderer" Sirius Black. How he got in contact with the rest of the Order as soon as possible when Harry warned him, even though he disliked Sirius even more than he disliked Harry. I thought of the book he let me borrow, his thoughts in the margins. I thought of our special lessons and how much I enjoyed his intelligence. The letters he had written to me over the summer. The care that he was taking now to keep me from making what he thought to be a mistake.

As my mind was analysing all these bits of data, I found myself sinking to my knees in front of him. I reached out and took his hand for a second time. This time I pulled his arm towards me. Keeping my eyes fixed on his face, I kissed the Dark Mark.