Open Letter

Chapter Five

The fire was beginning to die down. Severus took a moment to mutter an incantation that renewed the fire. He turned back towards me and conjured a small table with a carafe of water and two glasses on it. "I thought you might care for something to drink." He smiled weakly and said, "These 'confessions' have made me thirsty." Even though he said that I noticed that he didn't touch the water he poured into his glass.

I must admit that it was comforting to have something in my hands. I felt uneasy listening to what Severus had suffered through. My own unhappy childhood paled in comparison.

I too was an accident, but I was the only one. My parents were so absorbed in their dental practices that I was raised first by my grandmother and after she died, I raised myself. I don't know if my parents are in love with each other or rather just in love with competing with each other. Dinners were when they tallied their scores to find out who was ahead, who had done more root canals, pulled more teeth, handled the most difficult patient. There wasn't any time for me to tell them what I'd learned in school that day.

School was the only place where I felt important. If I knew the answer, the teacher would talk to me. If I could beat the other children to the answer then maybe I could win. If I won at school then maybe my parents would care. But they didn't, at least not until I got my letter. Then they were proud. It was like they'd never really seen me before that moment. Things are better between us now, but we won't ever have the close bond that should be between children and their parents.

I wanted to tell Severus that I knew how he felt, but that would be a lie. I couldn't know how he felt, but I could feel for him. I didn't pity him. I was sad that he had suffered so much as a child, but I was impressed and proud of him that he had gotten to where he was now. I didn't know how to say all this to him so I reached out and took his hand.

He started at our hands dully and I saw his eyes glisten with half-formed tears. He didn't take his hand away but he left it limp and motionless in mine. His throat worked as he swallowed. "You will regret touching me by the time I finish talking. You feel sorry for me now, but my childhood is no excuse for the actions of my adolescence and adulthood," he said hollowly and then looked away.

I licked my lips. All the moisture seemed to have gone from my mouth. I knew I had to tell him and that I had to find the words to connect our perceptions. "Severus, I don't pity you." No reaction from him. "I am impressed that you've reached this point in your life. I know that you're helping the Order and that you regret your past actions. You have moulded yourself. You've taken control of your life back from those of the Dark that made you their tool. You're a very strong man for being able to do that." I looked into his face hoping for a flicker of emotion, any emotion.

He slowly took his hand from mine and continued speaking. "When I went to Hogwarts and was sorted into Slytherin, I already belonged to the Death Eaters. After my mother's death, Father told me the 'truth'. We were in a war that had been going on for a long time. A war against the dilution of blood. I was told that magic was passed down through blood and grew stronger as the blood became more concentrated. I believed him. I had never seen anything to the contrary. I was taught to hate Muggles and be disdainful of half bloods.

"My father was a Death Eater. He showed me his mark and told me that it was a sign of manhood and purity, something to strive to be worthy of. He took me to his meetings. All of the sons and occasionally daughters of the elder Death Eaters would be left to socialize while the actual meeting went on.

"Since I had never really had a friend, those children were my first friends. Bellatrix Black, Evan Rosier, Rodolphus Lestrange, Rhys Avery, and Melora Wilkes. Avery and Lestrange were best of friends and Lestrange only hung around because of Bella. My best friend was Evan and Melora was my school-age sweetheart. They were my only friends. I did not think I needed any others. Certainly not if they were 'Mudbloods'."

He glanced at me as he said that last word. The word didn't have the same sting that it had when Draco had said it my second year. Draco had meant it and believed in the word. I could tell that Severus didn't. I gave what I hoped was an encouraging smile and said, "It's all right. I want you to say what you need to."

He appeared to relax a little and he actually took a sip from his glass of water. He noticed mine was empty and refilled it before he continued. "I am sure that Potter told you about the incident caused by Sirius Black that involved Remus Lupin. Certainly that was a more serious event than the others, but James Potter's little gang bullied me all through school. Their actions helped reinforce my earlier teachings. Upon my graduation I received... the Mark." He gritted his teeth a little at the remembered pain and absently rubbed his sleeved forearm.

"I never raped any of the women, but I stood by and watched. My potions helped to drug them. I never killed, but I didn't stop any of the killings either. I tended to the wounded Death Eaters afterwards. I was the one who mapped out the plans of the Dark Lord. He let us know his will and I and the others gifted with intellect, planned the deeds. We were detached. We believed in the ideals and were proud to be helping but most of us had never lifted a wand in the Killing Curse. We saw the pain and death but we didn't see the people it was happening to. They were not people to us.

"I lived at home during that time. I was alone. Melora had gotten tired of waiting for me to propose and so she had married Evan. I never bore them any ill will, they were a good match. My father had died as a result of a botched raid. Zena too had died. As head of the household, I had arranged a marriage for her, but I took care that the groom was kind. She was happy but died in childbirth a few years afterwards. The child died as well. I missed Zena but she belonged in another part of my life, a part that I thought was dead as well. I turned out to be wrong on that score."