Open Letter

Chapter Four

Every step seemed to take an eternity. I saw the way his eyes traced my features, like he was trying to memorise the lines of my face, storing the image in his mind to call up and cherish sometime later. I reached the chair and sat down. For its entire harsh look it was actually quite cushioned and comfortable.

As I was settling myself, Severus sank down into his chair. Illuminated by nothing more than a subdued fire, he seemed to disappear into his chair. Since he was wearing his customary black all I could see of him was his face and his hands, which he had steepled under his chin. We sat in silence for a few moments. I kept my eyes on his face and watched as he gathered his thoughts. Finally he shifted and moved one hand to his lap and the other to the armrest. Clearing his throat he began to speak.

"Hermione, I know that you are-aware of my past as a Death Eater." I opened my mouth to say something, I don't even really remember what. He raised his hand from the armrest and held it palm out. "Please, let me continue." His voice didn't sound like it but his eyes betrayed the pleading nature of this statement. I nodded and kept my eyes focused on his.

"You know that I was a Death Eater, but this doesn't really mean anything to you. You know of the atrocities the Dark Lord committed but none of them have touched you, and for that I am glad yet I must show you how it truly is. I can't let you..." he swallowed before he could continue; "love me without having you know me for who I am.

"I have done terrible things, believed in terrible things. For there was a time when I believed purity of blood to be the measure of a person. My family was pureblood to the core and until I came to Hogwarts I had never associated with someone who was not as "pure" as they were.

"My parents were not happy in their marriage. As in most pureblood families, theirs was an arranged marriage. My mother, Phaedra Valerius, was a very sweet woman. My father, Tarquin, on the other hand, was a harsh man. He insisted on having total control over his household. When my mother bore him a daughter instead of a son, he punished her and ignored his first born, Zenobia. It didn't help matters much that she was simple. That sort of thing happens in pureblood families more than anyone likes to acknowledge.

"My mother was never in very good health and she had a miscarriage before she finally gave him his heir. If my father ever really loved anyone it was Xavier but I think that he enjoyed the power it gave him to mould a new head of House Snape more.

"When I was born, no one expected me or particularly cared. There was the daughter to make a profitable match with and a son to carry on the family name. I was superfluous. In a way, it was to my benefit that I was unneeded. My father had little to do with me and so my care was left to my mother and older sister.

"My early childhood was... happy is not the word, but then I don't think that I could have had a truly happy childhood in that household. My childhood was less painful than it might have been. I had no friends save for my sister. Xavier was the one who went to Wizarding functions with my father and was introduced to the children of influential parents. Zena was my world. She was simple but I didn't know it then. I merely took it for granted that we were on the same mental level.

"When I was eight, my brother was killed. One of his playmates was practising a hex and made a mistake. I remember that day vividly. I was in my room with my mother and she was reading with me. I knew something was wrong when Father came into the room. He never sought either of us out. His face was ashen. He stood there with his hand still on the doorknob and delivered his news. Mother started to cry. I didn't really feel anything. Father told her that I would have to be his heir and therefore he would be overseeing my upbringing.

"For the only time in her life Mother dared to disagree with him. She stood up and had me move behind her. She told him that he couldn't have me. That's when he started yelling. Mother grabbed my hand and led me out of the room to the stairs. She was still crying. Father followed and he hit her. She stumbled and fell down the stairs. I tried to keep hold of her hand but I couldn't. She landed at an unnatural angle and I knew that she was dead. That was when Father set me on the Dark path."