Who I Am

And I'd give up forever to see you

but I don't think that you'd understand

when everything's meant to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

I've always been a writer at heart...nothing more, nothing less. I guess this is just proof of what you've never known about me. You ask what I want to do with my life and I just stare at you blankly. I've been telling you what I want to do with my life from day one. You mistake my stare for a lack of understanding, a lack of ambition. I have neither. I may not be a rocket scientist, and I may not be able to understand everything your brilliant mind comprehends immediately...but at least I listen. At least I notice what is going on.

I don't talk anymore. Remember when I was little and all I did was talk and talk and talk? You used to listen, smiling indulgently at my ideas. You told me once that you would give me the moon if it was possible. I was your little Katie. I would follow you anywhere and if your friends complained you would tell them off and leave. They could follow if they wanted...and they always did. You would smile triumphantly and I would laugh and we were happy just to be together. You liked having the upper hand over everyone.

We grew up, attended Hogwarts, but never grew apart. We were placed in different houses. Brilliantly, you and my parents withheld this information from yours. You would laugh at me in the hallways, make fun of me to your friends, but you always made it up to me, with a hug, a kiss on the cheek, an "I love you" card. Then we became serious, and had to hide our relationship. If we weren't underneath an invisibility cloak, we were under some sort of charm. No one could find out.

You were my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love. I'm only twenty. Do you remember that? You think I am more mature than my mother at forty nine. I'm not. I may be mature for my age...but I still want to be free. I don't want you to lecture me on what not to do and to do. We might as well already have been married twenty years.

But if this is married life, I want nothing of it. You don't love me anymore. And you know something? I don't love you either. Why haven't you realized this? I've been seeing Oliver for a year now. He doesn't expect too much of me. He lets me live. You were wonderful, you really were. But now, you've changed. Everything about you has changed since you came back from the war. You're back to your demanding ways, back to being the ruthless bastard that the death eaters made you become. And why? Just so you could have control over your life again? Let me tell you something...control is not what makes the world go round. Control is not what makes people fall in love with you.

Control is what made me turn to Oliver. I don't want to control him, he doesn't want to control me. We have a perfectly balanced relationship and he loves me. Do you comprehend? He loves me. I don't know how you feel about me. Sometimes I wonder if you even see I'm there. You'll smirk aimlessly at me, but never for me. If I say something witty, you are off in your own little world. If I yell at you, you look hurt, but its only a mask you pull out because I am yelling. If I was to yell "God, how much I love you!" in the happiest voice possible, you would still look hurt. You don't listen to me.

I listen to the messages hidden underneath your words. You're lonely, you're upset, you're tired. You don't need all this stress, and I understand that. But neither do I. I don't need this anymore than you do. I have to get on with my life. You're only young once. You may be willing to have given up your childhood, but I am not. I'm still holding on. I'm not "too big" to go with my niece to the park and swing with her. I'm not "too big" to ride the slow rides with my cousin who is still terrified of roller coasters. I'm not "too big" for anything. You've been "too big" from the day you were born.

I love you, Draco, I really do. You will always have a place in my heart. I just hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me after you read this letter. I know you'll be angry with me. I know already that you aren't happy. But I pray that you will be. I pray that you find someone who makes your heart swell with love and happiness like you used to do for me. I pray that you fall in love, and hard with someone who loves you just as much. I wish you nothing less than happiness.

Don't forget to live. Don't forget that every time God closes a door, a window opens. You can still fit out the window. You aren't "too big". I love you, Draco. I love you so much that it drives me insane. But I can't live like this anymore. So I'm moving on; I know you can do the same.