A Million & One Times

'But I don't care either, I don't care!' said Tonks, seizing the front of Lupin's robes and shaking them. 'I've told you a million times...'

'And I've told you a million times,' said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes, staring at the floor...

~ "The Phoenix Lament", Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince

With the summer sun warming every inch of his body, and the breeze ruffling his greying hair, it made for the sort of day where most people found it difficult to believe in things such as murder and betrayal.

Most people. He was not one of them - he had lost that innocence many years ago. That being said, on days like this, when the full moon was far away, he found it easier to believe in things like love and friendship...and new beginnings. And that, he supposed, was part of the problem.

Tiredly, he came to a halt and crouched down amidst the tall grass, fingering a ball of dandelion fluff. He hadn't slept much of late, for his dreams were merely extensions of his strained thoughts; he had gone over the reasons a million times more than usual in the past few months, but part of him - part of him that was starved and parched - still rebelled. Minerva's words hadn't helped his mental state, either.

'Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world.'

He knew she was right; countless times before, Dumbledore had listened as he told him things he'd never told James or Sirius. Dumbledore had always stood by him, gentle and encouraging, but it had always been his own decision to make. And he had made it. He thought.

A shudder ripple through him and he rubbed his scarred hands over his scarred face; thinking about Dumbledore hurt too much. For a moment he remained still, breathing deeply. At last he dropped his hands and raised his head, eyes searching the field.

He did not look long. Locating the one he sought, he rose and started walking again.

Still ahead and a little to the right, a small grassy hill rose up from the earth. At the top stood a great old oak tree and beneath it, with her back against the trunk, sat a young woman with mousy brown hair. The sight still saddened him - he missed the old Tonks with the bright hair and sparkling eyes - and the knowledge that he was responsible for this new, melancholy Tonks only made him feel worse. At last he crested the hill.

'Tonks.'

She glanced up, but looked away almost at once, eyes red; she'd been crying again. 'Remus,' she acknowledged stiffly.

He winced. 'May I sit down?'

She nodded wordlessly and he sank down next to her, leaning against the tree trunk. For a while he only stared at his hands and the long white marks crisscrossing his skin. 'It's later,' he said finally.

Tonks glanced at him sideways. 'There's nothing you can say that I haven't already heard.'

The glimmer of a smile touched his lips. 'I know that - I just wondered if you actually listened to any of it.'

Despite the sadness in her eyes she still managed a cheeky smile. 'I listened. Politely. And then, if you remember, I disagreed - and I still do,' she finished, glaring at him.

Remus groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. 'Tonks, I'm a werewolf - I change into a bloody monster every full moon. I could never -'

'- forgive yourself if anything happened to me, I -'

'No,' he said, his voice low and harsh. 'Tonks, you don't know.'

Her face drained suddenly of anger, leaving her looking miserable. 'I did it again, didn't I?' she muttered. 'Open mouth, insert foot - Remus, I didn't mean -'

He held up a hand and she fell silent. 'I know you didn't,' he answered, face strained. 'But Tonks - I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you.'

Tonks sighed and poked at the grass with her wand. 'Remus, I appreciate your concern - but I'm not a child. I don't see why you could let in James and Sirius -'

'I don't think that's the best example,' he said shortly. 'The risks we -'

'Life is full of risks!' Tonks exploded, angry sparks shooting out of her wand. 'And I'm willing to take them! You're not too old, you're not too poor, and I don't care about your "furry little problem"! What part of that don't you understand?'

Remus sighed and looked away, running his fingers through his hair. 'I understand all of it,' he said quietly.

Tonks said nothing, apparently shocked into silence - a rare occurrence. Out of the corner of his eye Remus saw her frown. 'Then why won't you let me in?' she asked.

Leaning forward he rested his arms on his knees. 'Those I care about,' he answered, feeling as though the words were being dragged out of him, 'are always taken from me, and I don't want to lose you as well.'

Her frown deepened, and he couldn't help but notice how cute she looked with her nose wrinkled. 'None of that was your fault,' she pointed out.

'I know - but it's still an ugly pattern and I don't want it to continue. I don't want anything to happen to you because of me. Tonks -' He stopped and rubbed his face again. 'I know that's no way to live -'

'Bloody right about that,' she muttered, and he felt his mouth twitch upward.

'- but sometimes I feel like that's all that's keeping me from hurting anybody.'

Tonks raised an eyebrow. 'Or is it all that's keeping you from being hurt?'

He gave a crooked smile. 'Maybe both.'

'I see. But you do realize that I haven't changed my mind?'

He glanced at her. 'I thought as much.'

'Good. Unless -' She broke off, looking miserable again. 'You still want me to change my mind, don't you?'

Remus didn't answer at once; if he were honest with himself and her... 'No,' he said finally.

Tonks brightened. 'No?'

He shook his head. 'No. Do you truly not care?' he asked, almost wistfully.

She gave an exasperated sigh. 'I don't - but if it's that hard for you to understand then I'll keep telling you until you do.'

He laughed at that - and it felt good. 'I'm not an easy person to live with, you know.'

Tonks snorted. 'And you think I am?' She looked at him closely, suddenly cautious. 'Does this mean you've changed your mind?'

He could still hear the objections struggling for supremacy inside his skull, but somehow they seemed flimsier than before. And besides, he was tired of being alone. Taking a deep breath, he reached for her hand. 'I guess it does.'

The next moment Tonks had thrown her arms around him in a hug that sent them falling back against the tree. She grinned up at him, dark eyes sparkling once more. 'Good,' she said.

And with her face that close to him and the feeling of life that was now flowing through him, he did the only thing he could think of: he leaned forward and kissed her.

He felt her laughing and his mouth curved in response. It made for a slightly awkward kiss, but he felt no inclination to pull away - apparently neither did Tonks. He felt her fingers slide up into his hair and wrapped his arms around her tightly, quite content to stay there. Somewhere, he knew, Dumbledore was smiling.

At last, and only because nature dictates that humans need to breathe, they pulled apart. Slightly.

'Smart man, Moony,' Tonks said, lazily twirling a lock of his hair around her finger. Her own hair, he noticed, was now back to that violent shade of pink. 'Of course...' She tilted her head thoughtfully.

He raised an eyebrow. 'What?'

'You might want to safeguard any breakables you happen to like. Rumour has it that I'm quite the klutz.'

He laughed again. 'I'll make a note.' Still smiling, he reached up and touched her hair. Her wonderfully, brilliantly pink hair.

'What is it?' she asked, curious.

He dropped his hand from her hair and slid his arm around her waist again. 'I'm just glad to have you back.'

Pink, he decided, was definitely her colour.

~*~ finis ~*~

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