Never Had A Chance

I will get over this. I will. I have absolutely no right to be thinking this, because he's taken. Next time, before I even think of falling head-over-heels in love with a guy, I'll make sure he can love me back in return.

Pfft. As if that'll happen, seeing how I'm so romantic.

I don't know when this obsession just to stare at him began, but I can't stop it. I know that it'd never work out in the end like fairy tales, but I'm an unrealistic person. I know it's stupid, but I'm one of those really dreamy, idealistic people who believe in True Love and happily-ever-afters, and that one day my very own Prince Charming will come along, sweep me off my feet and we'll canter off into the sunset on his beautiful true white horse.

It hasn't happened yet, but it will.

It's pretty stupid, though. I can admit that.

Remus Lupin is anything but idealistic. He's practical and has a grip on reality. I don't. He likes guys, too. Another way to be sure we'll end up together (note sarcasm).

I know who he likes, though he hasn't told anyone but that person yet, I don't think. James Potter and Peter Pettigrew seem oblivious and with good reason; Remus and Sirius are very sneaky about it.

The only reason I myself know is because, aside from being a romantic person, I'm also observant. Not observant in the way Remus is, in class when he's paying close attention to the teachers, but on a social factor.

There's a good reason for that. My mother and father used to host parties all the time. I'd have to help mother out with the hosting by listening in on conversations, finding out who shouldn't be seated next to who, and why - basically, just prying, although I think that's a rather harsh term.

And that is precisely why I know Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are SiriusBlackandRemusLupin.

I - uh - I kind of heard them while they were - um . . in the broom closet last term.

It's actually all very obvious if you look for the signs. Something's wrong with Remus. I don't know what, and I very much doubt that I will find out, but I do know that once every month, Remus looks peaky.

And just when Remus starts to look sick, Sirius will become very protective. Like, extremely protective. So protective, in fact, that he's almost aggressive.

Every month, he and his friends start having renewed, reenergised conversation, with more jokes and more laughter. And every month, Sirius will stand or sit a little closer to Remus, and become just that much more intimate. Publicly. I'm sure privately they have no problem with intimacy.

I think Remus knows how I feel about him. I can tell that he feels my eyes on the back of his head in class, or in the Great Hall. I won't go up to him and tell him out loud, though. Because he's with Sirius, and I can tell that no one can replace Sirius in Remus' heart. Sirius doesn't know, but he is becoming suspicious. He glares at me so - so violently.

But I don't care. He's keeping Remus happy, that's all that matters.

I won't tell them that I know. But when they finally come out of the closet and tell everyone, I will personally go up, shake their hands and tell them that I think it's great and that I really admire them, without reservations.

Because I think that Remus will appreciate someone besides his closest friends telling him that there's nothing wrong with who and what he is and that he's a great guy. And because I think, being the hopelessly romantic person that I am, that them being together is like True Love or they're life- or soul-bonded, and I wouldn't want to break something that deep and meaningful.

There's just one thing that I really, really regret.

That I never had a chance.