A Teen's Confession

Chapter 1: Dripping Torment

"Son of a..." the sixteen year old boy hissed as the blade slowly opened one of the week old scars on his wrist. Even though it still hurt like a mo fo, it seemed easier to open his skin then the last time he took a blade to his skin. Small drops of blood trickled down into a puddle in the sink, slowly followed by his tears.

It wasn't fair. Three months ago, things were pretty fine by his standards. The Dark Lord was plotting his ever-pursuing vengeance, his life was a living hell, and nearly everyone thought he was a nut job. What else was new? Oh yeah and there was his death. The death of the one person he considered extremely close to him. The only person that he had let know what was really going on inside his insane teenage psyche.

He fell to his knees, his grief becoming heavy in his chest. He placed his wrist over the bathtub as the blood continued to drip. Tears began to fall faster down his face.

After a month of emotional numbness, it was finally beginning to sink in. Sirius was really gone. His one, true connection to the thing he most longed for, his family, was dead. Harry couldn't remember any grater agony then watching Sirius' body fall elegantly. He couldn't remember any greater suffering as he furiously screamed at Sirius while Lupin held him back. He did remember how his eyes slowly filled with tears as Sirius fell behind the long black veil.

"Harry, dinner's ready!"

"Just a minute, Mrs. Weasley!" Harry called back as he placed a red towel on his bleeding wrist. Now all he had to do was think of something convincing to tell incase he was asked. There's only so many times your owl can scratch your wrist and arms before it gets to be a real lie.

Harry removed the towel to check the bleeding. It had stopped for the most part. Harry quickly ran the towel along the sink and the tub to wipe up the blood. He threw the towel aside and rolled down his scarlet sleeve over the cuts and scars. Even though it was the middle of summer, he always wore a long sleeve shirt. That may have made the others suspicious, but if they were they didn't show they were.

Harry jogged down the stairs, wiping his eyes as he went. He was just at the bottom of the stairs when someone grabbed him by the arm.

"Hold on," a voice whispered. He turned to see his best friend's little sister, Ginny. She held his left hand up to his eyes. His thumb was smeared with blood. Ginny licked her finger and rubbed it on Harry's thumb.

"Thanks," Harry said as he began to leave. Ginny grabbed his arm again. He about-faced.

"Your face looks like shit," Ginny commented. Harry gave a small laugh as Ginny wiped the remaining tearstains off his face.

"Ok, you look fine."

Harry wrapped his arms around Ginny's waist. "Thanks, Gin," he whispered, pressing his lips onto Ginny's. She kissed him back.

Ginny had become the only person Harry could trust. She'd walked in on him one night while he was cutting. She didn't yell at him or run to get anyone. She simply knelt down beside him and placed a tissue on his bleeding cuts.

"I know it's hard for you Harry," she'd said, "but know that I'm here, ok? If you need anything, please let me know."

Harry released his lips off Ginny's.

"Do I have to go?" he asked Ginny, already knowing the answer.

"You know Mum. If you miss more then one meal a day, she will stalk you until you eat properly again."

"But I just throw up anything I eat anyways."

Ginny took a hold of Harry's hand. "I know, but if you don't want this to get awkward you have to at least eat dinner and breakfast. Ok?"

Harry nodded. The two started off towards the lower level of Number 12 Grimmauld Place. When they got downstairs, they saw everyone else had already been served their food. Harry and Ginny took the available seats at the end of the table next to Lupin. Harry could feel a small surge of anger at Lupin, but then felt Ginny squeeze his hand. He looked at her. She gave a small shake of her head.

Harry looked at the spread of food laid out before him. The normally delicious smells of the stew, turkey, and fresh baked bread only caused Harry's stomach to cringe. He felt like the scents were smothering him. He didn't want to be sitting there. He wanted to be upstairs, by himself.

"Harry, dear, what would you like to have?"

Harry's attention turned to the other end of the table where Mrs. Weasley sat beside her husband.

"Just some bread, please," Harry replied. If he ate it slow enough, bread didn't make him throw up after he ate it.

"Just bread?" she repeated.

"I went out with some friends from school. It was a late lunch and I really wasn't paying attention to what time it was. It was 5 by the time I got back."

"Well, you know supper is served at 5:30. Just remember that next time, dear." She handed the breadbasket to Ron, her youngest son, who then gave it to Fred then it reached Harry.

"Yes, ma'am," Harry replied obediently as he took four slices of bread out of the basket. He then rose to his feet.

"Harry?" Mrs. Weasley inquired.

"I still have a lot of homework to do. I never got a chance to start it when I was at Privet Drive."

"But school doesn't start for two months, Harry," Ron reminded him.

"I don't want to fall behind this year. I need to start focusing on what 's important," Harry was quick to answer. He gave Ginny a small squeeze on the shoulder before he walked out of the room.

Once out the door, he tossed three slices into the nearest bin and slowly began to nibble on the last piece. Now he was actually going to have to do some of his homework or they would really know he was lying.

Suddenly, Harry felt a firm grip grab his arm. He turned to see Remus Lupin standing before him.

"The reason you don't get away with anything is you're a bad liar."

Harry glared at Lupin before he tore his arm out of Lupin's grasp. "What? Are you a mind reader now?"

"No, I just don't want you to lie to me. Harry, nothing you can do will change what has happened. He is gone."

The words cut Harry more sharply then the knife he using to slice his arms open for the past week. "YOU'RE WRONG!" Harry found himself yelling at Lupin. "He's only behind the veil!"

"If you thought that," Lupin said, kneeling so he was eye level with Harry, "would you have extra scars on your arms?"

Lupin pulled up Harry's sleeve. Harry knew there had to be a least ten cuts on his right arm alone. He tore his arm out of Lupin's hand once again. He ran towards the stairs and up to his room. He quickly locked the door, not caring that Lupin could open it with a flick of his wand.

The doorknob shook as Lupin reached the door.

"Harry, open the door," Lupin called.

"What the hell is wrong with all of you?" Harry screamed at the door. "Why does every damn person have to get into my fucking business?"

"I don't want to invade your privacy Harry," Lupin explained, practically shouting over the screeches of Mrs. Black. "I just want to help."

"Help?" laughed Harry. "How the fuck can you help? No one can help me!"

"Harry, please. I..."

"Besides, you've helped enough! If it weren't for you, I could have saved him! If you hadn't held me back, I could have gotten to him! It's because of you Sirius is..."

"HARRY SHUT UP, DAMN IT!"

Harry fell silent. He had never heard Lupin raise his voice like that.

"Believe it or not Harry, you're not the only person who lost someone important to them that day! And this wasn't the first time it happened to me!"

There was a deep sigh on the other side of the door. "When I heard what happened to James and Lily, I remember how furious I was. I thought Sirius had betrayed us all. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to wrap my hands around his throat and watch him die. But you know what that would have accomplished? Nothing! Not a damn thing! Sirius was innocent. Watching you that day I held you back was the worst thing I've ever done to anyone. But I couldn't loose you either. I promised myself if I could help it, nothing bad would happen to you. You would have died if I let you go. I would never be able to forgive myself if you died, Harry."

Harry didn't remember unlocking the door and letting a teary eyed Lupin into the room. He didn't feel his own tears cascading down his face or Lupin's arms wrap themselves around his shoulders.

"I miss him so much," Harry sobbed, returning Lupin's embrace.

"I know, Harry," Lupin said, tightening his embrace around Harry.