Dear Harry

Dear Harry,

Hi. It's Ron. It's been ten months, one week, three days, and seven hours since you died, and yes, I'm still keeping track of the time. They say it isn't healthy, so I'm trying not to count the minutes or the seconds, but then it's all so blurry -- the memories of that night -- that I can't remember the specifics that closely anyway. I think I was in shock. I think I'm still in shock. I never expected it to be you. All the times we talked about it, and the different ways this all could end, in the back of my mind I always assumed that if anyone died it would be Dumbledore. After that night in the Department of Mysteries, I should have known better. We all nearly died. Sirius disappeared forever. There were so many bloody hints, but I never guessed. I thought we'd all pull through. But we didn't. Watching you die; it nearly killed me. I went after You-Know-Who, but Hermione kept me from doing something stupid. I guess I'm glad she did now, but at the time I hated her for it. I hated her for a long time, Harry. I wanted to be where you were. I wanted to be dead too.

Did you ever know how much I loved you?

I always thought you did, but now you're gone I can't help but wonder at the things I never said. I can't remember what I was waiting on or what made me always think that some other time would be better. Didn't I know that you would be gone someday? Didn't I know that there was no other way for this bloody war to end? Maybe I'd been fooling myself - I can't remember now. All I remember are the times you used to look at me with those eyes that said you needed me to say something, and I never did. Did you know that I wanted to? I was afraid of complicating things for you. Things were already so rotten as it was; I thought I could just hold out until You-Know-Who was gone, until you were happy again, like you were before we really understood what was happening.

Do you remember our first year, when we met on the train? I still think about it sometimes, I guess because that was the only time we knew each other that we didn't have to worry about something sinister going on. It was just two friends and a bunch of candy. To be honest, it was the first time anyone had ever had to ask me for anything, and I sort of liked introducing you to the wizarding world. Remember how much we hated Hermione, for being such a blasted know it all? It turned out to be a real asset in the end, didn't it? It's too bad that we didn't know how close we would become then -- we could have had more time together if we'd known. And all those times we fought with each other, I wish we could go back. Then we could spend it doing something useful, instead of just yelling and refusing to speak to one another. If I had it all to do again, even with all of the bad stuff, I'd do it all over without thinking twice.

We're getting married, Harry -- Hermione and I. Now you're gone, we seem to need each other like we never did before. We're the only people who know what really happened, what you went through, and it distances us from other people. Lots of people think you're a hero -- some nutters even think you were in line with You-Know-Who -- but few people know that you were also our friend Harry, not just Harry Potter The Boy Who Lived. Even the people who did know you as we did, it's hard to meet their gazes sometimes, knowing they're relieved that you made the sacrifice you did. Dumbledore, I think, knows how we feel, but he doesn't make me feel any better about it. Remus is the only one who really seems to know where we're coming from, but we hardly see him anymore. I think he misses his friends, and he looks worse and worse every day. I don't know how long he'll be around, honestly, so look for him wherever you are.

I'd really like your blessing, Harry. I don't know where you are or if you can even read this, but I can't go through with the wedding without saying it. I do love Hermione, I think I always have in a way, but she wasn't my first true love. She wasn't my first choice. You were, Harry. I just think you should know that, because I never said it while you were here. I know it doesn't matter now, or maybe it does, but whatever happens you should know that if you'd been here, things would have been different. I would have told you, and we would have been happy, just like you wanted.

You should also know that I've learned to let you go. Everyone said that I shouldn't wallow and I haven't, but I didn't do it because they told me to. I did it because if I didn't move on and try to make something of my life, then everything you did for me, and the rest of the wizarding world, it wouldn't mean anything - would it? I would have given in to You-Know-Who just as if he'd won. So I'm doing what you would have wanted. Hermione and I are going to be really happy, I think; she'll probably wind up writing a million books and become headmistress at Hogwarts, and I'll live off of the millions she'll make and take care of our runts (she says she's having no more than four, but I bet they all wind up being twins and triplets - you can't fight genes). It will be nice, Harry -- I wish you could see us.

I suppose that's all I really have to say. I miss you, and I think I probably always will. It's different without you around, and even though I didn't notice it, we were a team. Everything I thought, it was me and you, not just me. That was the biggest change after you left. But I'm learning, and I'm not too bad at it. Still, though, it would be nice to have you around. If you can, stop by sometime, and make a light flicker or something. It will be nice to know you're around.

Goodbye, Harry. I'm sorry I never told you, but I'm saying it now:

Love,

Ron