Forbidden and Impossible

It was a Friday night just after midnight. Harry had been having trouble sleeping lately and was walking around the castle to tire him out. He had the same route every night, he wanted to keep it monotonous so that he'd get bored which would hopefully make him tired. There was always the danger of being caught, but the only people who were out this late was Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris and they were pretty easy to escape. Harry liked it this way, he didn't want to be running into other students. He used this time to think about the day and what was going to happen tomorrow, it was his time and no one else's.

Pansy could not sleep either. Her mother had sent her an owl saying that she had been promised to Draco Malfoy. Sure Draco was gorgeous but he was womanizing and selfish, and he was so serious all the time. She'd never want to marry him! He was just one of those boys that you date for a month or so and then call it quits after the relationship gets boring. She decided to go for a midnight stroll in the halls to get her mind off of Draco and to lure herself into sleep.

As Harry was going down stairs he heard someone else walking. He went around the corner and flattened himself against the wall. He peeked around the corner and saw Pansy. What the hell is she doing out this late? Harry thought to himself. As she got closer he could tell she was crying. Guilt arose in Harry, sure Pansy could be a bitch sometimes but she was crying, he could at least see if she wanted help.

"Pansy!" Harry whispered.

Pansy looked up startled and wiped her eyes. "What do you want?"

"I saw you crying, are you okay?" Harry asked in a concerned voice.

Pansy really needed someone to talk to and since Harry was around she decided he would be okay, he wouldn't tell anyone. "Yes, its just...my life is so complicated now, you know? I'm sure you heard about how I've been "promised" to Draco because it seems like everyone knows, and I just don't know what to do."

Harry had known that Pansy was promised to Draco, but he thought that she was happy about it. "Yea, I did hear...you don't want to be with Draco?"

Pansy sighed deeply. "Its complicated."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry said in a sincere voice.

"Sure, I know a little room that I go in sometimes that I don't think many people know about. No one will hear us in there," Pansy said as she started walking towards the Slytherin common room. Just before she reached the entrance to it she tapped her wand on a brick and muttered something. Harry didn't understand what happened because he didn't see a room or anything. Pansy grabbed Harry's sleeve and pulled him into the wall, which gave way into a small room. It was dark with its only light source being the moon. There were cushions in a corner that Harry assumed Pansy had put there.

Pansy sat down on the cushions. "You can sit here if you want."

Harry walked over and sat down next to Pansy. "So, why don't you want to be with Draco?"

"He's not my type, he's so cold and selfish. He's such a womanizer too, I know if we were to get married that he'd be cheating on me. Why would I want to set myself up for that sort of pain?" Pansy said looking to the ground, she had started to cry again. "I just want to choose who I want to get married with. I don't want people telling me what to do or who I'm supposed to marry...its not fair.

Harry wasn't sure what to say. He never knew that Pansy had troubles like this. He had always thought of her as a pretty girl, who was rich and had a perfect life. He was proven wrong though. In their fifth year Harry had had a small crush on Pansy, he knew she was way out of his league so he never really thought much of it. He could feel those feelings coming back to him and he had a strong urge to wipe away her tears. "Isn't there anything you can do?"

Pansy let out a small laugh. "I wish. Its not like I can go to Draco and tell him that I don't want to marry him."

Harry didn't understand. "Why not?"

"Don't ask stupid questions Harry. The Malfoy family is one of the most powerful wizarding families, it not the most powerful. If I were to question their decisions they would ruin my family, if not kill them," Pansy said in a small voice.

"Sorry, I've never had to be put in a situation like this," Harry said sort of embarrassed.

Pansy wiped away a tear on her cheek. "You're lucky, most people don't promise people to other people on the lighter side of the wizarding world, it's mostly a dark wizarding world thing to do."

Harry noticed that Pansy had started crying harder now. "Pansy, we don't have to talk about this anymore if you don't want to."

"Okay, well its getting late anyways, I'm going to go back...will you meet me here tomorrow night?" Pansy said looking at Harry hoping he would say 'yes.'

Harry nodded. "Absolutely, midnight?"

Pansy smiled. "Sure."

"Goodnight Pansy," Harry said as he watched her leave.

"Goodnight," Pansy said as she smiled back at Harry.

So Harry and Pansy continued meeting at midnight for a few months. They talked about all sorts of things, not just her and Draco but also quidditch, and their parents, and things they enjoyed. They found that they had a lot in common. Pansy wasn't really into quidditch but her and Harry enjoyed a lot of the same music. They also both liked watching Muggle movies. Harry also found out about Pansy's deep love for Shakespeare, which surprised him greatly. As the months went on, their talking started turning into flirting. Harry was falling for Pansy and vice versa.

They had now been having their midnight meetings for three months. This night had been especially long. They had a lot to talk about for whatever reason and it was really late. They were both tired.

Harry yawned. "Lets just...sleep in here...it's Saturday so everyone will be sleeping in late enough tomorrow that we can get out in time to get back to our common rooms..."

Pansy yawned as well. "Okay..."

Harry lied down on the cushions and so did Pansy. The room was cold and they didn't have a blanket so Harry took off his robe and put it over Pansy.

"Well, if I get your robe then you can at least sleep right next to me so you get some of my body heat," Pansy said in a flirty manner.

Harry smiled. "If you insist..."

Harry curled up next to Pansy who was snuggling into his chest. Harry was about to put his arm over her but started to pull back. All of a sudden Pansy grabbed his arm and put it around her. Harry could smell Pansy's shampoo, it was sweet smelling, and he couldn't put his finger on what it was. All he knew was that he loved the smell of it and wished he could keep it with him always. He could tell Pansy was sleeping by the steady rhythm of her breathing, he fell asleep soon afterwards.

It was morning, and Harry could feel his body being shook by someone. It was Pansy.

Pansy kept shaking Harry. "Harry get up! I'm going to leave now, are we going to meet tonight?"

"Of course," Harry said smiling.

Pansy was about to leave when she turned around and walked back towards Harry who was now sitting up and putting his robe on. She walked over and kissed him on the cheek. "See you tonight."

Harry stood their dumbfounded. Had she really just kissed him? Her lips were so soft like an angel's. It was short, but he'd remember it forever. Harry waited about five minutes after Pansy left and then he stepped out. As we was walking back to the common room with a big smile on his face he saw Dumbledore who was walking fast towards him. Dumbledore called out Harry's name and told him to wait for a second while he caught up with him.

"Yes, what is it professor Dumbledore?" Harry said starting to panic.

"Harry, I know where you were last night and who you were with. It must end! Hogwarts will be ruined if the Malfoys find out about this! You must break it off with Pansy," Dumbledore said in a concerned manner.

"But-" Harry was speechless and couldn't think of words.

Dumbledore stared at Harry gravely. "It must end! The Malfoys have gained more power than they know what to do with. Lucius has always wanted to throw me out of Hogwarts and I'm afraid now he has the power to. I must go, please remember what I told you."

Dumbledore started walking away and Harry stood there, lifeless almost, how could he stop seeing Pansy? He loved her more than anything, more than life itself. He couldn't let Dumbledore be thrown out of Hogwarts though, once Dumbledore was gone then the whole school would be gone. Harry chewed on his lower lip, it was a bad habit he had picked up the last couple of years. He tasted something coppery and touched his lip with his hand. He looked at the red liquid on his hand. My lip is bleeding like my heart...Harry thought to himself.

As Harry walked down to his and Pansy's secret spot he stopped. What am I going to say? How am I going to tell the only woman I've ever loved that I can't be with her anymore...she needs me as much as I need her... He finally went in and saw Pansy lying on the cushions. She's so beautiful. He sat down next to her. This was a million more times harder than he thought it would be.

Harry gulped. "Pansy, um, I, well we can't see each other anymore..."

Pansy frowned. "Why? Why all of a sudden has this come about?"

"You have to be with Draco...it's just the way that it has to be," Harry said. He could feel the pieces of his heart being chipped away like a stone block being chipped away by a sculptor. The sculptor working on his heart was Malfoy. Goddamn Malfoy, he could have any girl in the world, why did he have to choose Pansy?

Pansy started to cry. Harry went to wipe away her tears but she pushed his hand away. "How could you Harry? I thought we had something," she said as she got up and ran out of the room.

Harry just sat there. He didn't know what to do. Life had been so perfect with Pansy, she was so smart, but she wasn't a know-it-all like Hermione, she was funny, but not immature like Ron, and she was beautiful. More beautiful that anyone else that he'll ever know. Even though they had to keep their relationship secret, those three months that he spent with her were bliss. He knew it could never last. There was no way they could keep it going forever. But he had always hoped it would be Pansy to break off the relationship, not him, because seeing her hurt was so hard. To make it all worse, it was his fault that she was hurt so he couldn't make her better.

The next few weeks Harry just moped around. He avoided seeing Pansy as much as often. As he was walking back from potions he saw Draco kissing a girl. For a minute he thought it was Pansy, but as he got closer he saw a girl who he had never seen. Anger boiled up inside of Harry, Malfoy had the best woman in the world yet he was snogging with other girls. His hands formed into tight fists and he clenched his teeth.

"What's wrong with Harry?" Ron asked seeing Harry look like he was going to punch someone.

"Look at Malfoy," Harry said thinking that would explain his anger.

Ron looked over at Draco. "He's kissing a girl, big deal, its was he does."

"You don't understand," Harry said as he kept looking over at Draco.

Draco looked up at saw Harry staring at him. "Take a picture Potter, it lasts longer," he yelled and then went back to kissing his mystery girl.

"Harry sprinted over to Draco. He pushed the girl aside and jumped on Malfoy. He started punching him like crazy. A small trail of blood was coming from Draco's nose from where Harry had punched him. There were bruises already forming by the time Ron ran over and pulled Harry off of Draco.

"What the hell are you doing, Harry" Ron asked intently.

Draco just stood there in awe. He had no idea why Harry had just suddenly attacked him. He had thrown out worst insults before so that couldn't be it. He didn't have anything to say to Harry, he was completely speechless for once.

Harry pushed Ron off of him and started walking fast back up to the castle. Ron ran to catch up with Harry. "What's up with you lately? You're more angry at Malfoy than I've ever seen you!"

Harry stopped and turned towards Ron. "I love Pansy. That's why I've been so mad at Malfoy. He doesn't appreciate her like I did."

"Oh," Ron said completely surprised. He figured Malfoy had said something to him about his parents again or something like that, definitely not that he was in love with Pansy.

Harry went up to his room and just laid there thinking about Pansy. He was much calmer now, he was waiting for someone to come into his room and tell him that Dumbledore needed to see him. He didn't need to wait long, about forty five minutes later Ron came into the room and told Harry that Dumbledore needed to see him.

Harry trudged down towards Dumbledore's office. Snape was already waiting there and muttered the password to the gargoyle for Harry. Harry was releived to see that no one else was in Dumbledore's office besides Dumbledore.

Dumbledore looked up and gestured to one of the chairs infront of his desk. "Sit down Harry."

Harry sat down. He was mad at Dumbledore for not standing up to Lucius. He knew in the back of his mind that Lucius had gotten too powerful for Dumbledore to stand up to him, but he didn't really care anymore. He decided just to sit there and speak as little as possible.

"Harry, I'm not going to ask you why you attacked Mr. Malfoy. I know perfectly well the answer to that question. Draco and Pansy's relationship is none of your business. It is impossible for you to see Pansy, she is not yours anymore, she is Draco's girlfriend, you must understand that," Dumbledore said in a very serious tone.

Harry fought back the urge to throw his chair against the wall. "It is my business! She doesn't want to be with him! She wants to be with me, so it is now part of my business."

Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Harry, she isn't going to be with Draco very long anyways..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry said in a confused voice.

"Harry, Pansy is sick, they found out that she has leukemia...that's why you haven't seen her at school for the past couple of weeks, not because you've been avoiding her. She's going to die Harry, its very serious," Dumbledore said as he looked down.

Harry swallowed hard. "But...how? I mean, she was just fine, how can she all of a sudden be dying? Does Draco even know? How can he be cheating on his girlfriend who is dying?"

Dumbledore shook his head. "No he doesn't yet know...his parents haven't told him yet. Harry I must ask that you don't go telling everyone about this."

Harry looked down. "Can I see her?"

Dumbledore folded his hands. "Yes, she had been asking her parents for you to come. I didn't think it was a good idea, until today's incident."

"Now?" Harry asked in a small voice.

"If you're ready," Dumbledore answered back.

They both got up and took a specially made portkey to the hospital. Dumbledore left after talking to Pansy's parents briefly. Harry walked in cautiously, he saw Pansy lying in her bed, and she was much paler than before, like a ghost.

Harry sat down next to her bed. He wasn't sure if she was sleeping or just lying with her eyes closed. "Pansy...I hope you can hear me...oh god," Harry said trying to hold back tears. "I, you, how could this have happened? You're so beautiful," Harry slid his hand through her hair. "I lost control today, I don't know what happened, but I just started attacking Draco...I knew you'd be disappointed in me. I wasn't going to tell you...but I didn't want to lie. You're so hard to lie to. Remember the first day we started meeting? I'll always remember that day.... why you? Why did this have to happen to you? You're too good of a person for this. I...I...I love you, you can't leave me here."

Pansy had been awake, she wanted to hear all of what Harry said first. "Harry? I heard all of what you just said...its better this way. If I can't be with you, then I don't want to be with anyone," she said as she let out a small laugh. "I don't think people can be promised to each other in heaven...so, I can just wait for you."

Harry started crying. He didn't understand how she could take this so lightly. She was so much stronger than he was. She was so much better than he was, she was so much better than everyone. No one deserved her; everyone else was flawed compared to her.

Pansy held his hand. "Harry, please don't cry. I've seen enough of it from my parents. I need you to be strong. You can do it, I know you can, you've done it before."

They sat there in silence for a long time. They didn't need words to express what they were feeling. Harry laid his head in Pansy's lap while Pansy stroked his hair. They both fell asleep and soon after Dumbledore came in.

"Harry, it's getting late, Pansy needs her rest and so do you," Dumbledore said with his hand on Harry's back.

Harry looked at Pansy and squeezed her hand. "I'll be back soon."

Seven months later Pansy died. Two months later Draco married another girl. He had only visited her once when she was in the hospital. Harry had tried to go to the hospital every day. It wasn't always possible on school days but on weekends he slept over. Her funeral was small. It was in a small white church that she had been baptized in. Harry, Ron and Hermione were the only Gryffindors there, the rest were mostly Slytherins. Harry had held back his tears until he went up to say his final goodbyes. "Pansy...don't forget to wait for me...it won't be too long I hope."