Love, Potter

Dear Lily,

How are you doing? We haven't talked much lately and I was beginning to wonder if you were avoiding me. I'm not one with words, so I hope you will be able to excuse my frankness. You were right. I AM a big, toe-rag bully, or rather, I was.

You see, I wanted so much to please you. But after many fruitless attempts to sway your decision, I thought about what you said. I was arrogant and I had to change. I would do anything to make you happy, and if it was to change my own personality, so be it. I hope that didn't come out wrong. What I mean to say is that I've realized what a jerk I was and I decided to finally grow up.

I know you think that all I do now is my homework. It's not true. This letter, the one you are reading now, is the result of 69 attempts. When we're studying together, I'm not truly doing Transfiguration. I'm actually watching you bite the tip of your quill when you're thinking. Did you know that you scrunch your forehead every time you write a Potions essay or that every time you write a Charms essay, your eyes twinkle? I do.

You don't know how hard it is for me to walk through the corridors with you during our Patrols without wanting to shove you in the closest closet and snog you senseless.

I want you to know that I've changed - changed for the better. I am a better person now; however, I am still incomplete. Every minute of my waking life, I beg Merlin that you would glance at me, even if it were for the briefest moment. Deep inside though, I'm still the old Potter. I still want to be with you and spend the rest of my life knowing that you're by my side. I'm still in love with you, Lily, and I can't stop.

I want to tell you all of this to your beautiful face, but I don't know how you would react. That is why I am resorting to such cowardly acts. But it's not as if I hadn't done worse before. Remember when I used to torment Snape? I was such an arse.

To tell you the truth Lily, I don't know how to act around you anymore. I keep trying to act so good around you because, well do you remember after that one finals out by the lake in 5^th year when you told me everything you thought was wrong with me? I figured that if I really grew up, you might give me a chance and ever since I've only been acting so good for you. Sirius and Remus and Peter - they all think I've gone bonkers and they keep telling me that I'm so different from what I used to be, but that's what you wanted right, Lily? I'm afraid that if I give in to their constant badgering or slip a silly nickname like Lillian or Lilith or something of the sort, it'll be the one time you catch me off guard and then everything I've worked towards, any hope of you and me being together will be worthless.

Perhaps with all this caution, I've come to avoid you. I haven't seen you lately, and I don't know if it's just because we keep missing each other or because you just don't want to see me (and I sincerely hope it's not the latter) because above all, I know it's not me who doesn't want to see you. I know what's going through your mind: an indignant "But we do see each other! A LOT at that!" But the thing is, I want to be able to talk to you, to know the Lily within. I want to know what's going through your mind. I know you must be confused right now because the little I do see you (ie: during classes, study sessions, Patrols) you have a little frown on your lips and your eyes, you're beautiful green eyes, they look distant and unsure. I don't know what's bothering you, but I want to help make things better.

Do you think that maybe we could talk to each other one day? And I don't mean the simple, "how do you do" kind of talk that we usually engage ourselves in. I want to talk to you about us. And I promise I won't hex anything. So what do you think, Lily? Can we talk and just work this out? Because, Lily, I miss you.

Love,

Potter