What Is Left When All Is Said and Done

Chapter 7

Severus had come to Godric's Hollow for two reasons. The first was that he figured it would be the last place anyone would expect him to be. Secondly, he found some iota of poetic justice in--in a sense--returning to the scene of the crime. Not where he had cast the killing curse on Dumbledore--that had just been the last in a series of increasingly despicable things he had had to do because of his first and greatest mistake. Although, that wasn't wholly true either; deciding to join Voldemort's cause in the first place had been the first mistake. He would never have imagined how much he regretted that now, almost twenty years later. How many more sins would he have to commit until he had paid his penance in full? How many more times would he have to save ungrateful students--especially the Golden Trio--from themselves?

At least Draco seemed to have changed. He hoped that he and his mother would find safety across the Channel or wherever they decided to go. He had refused to be their Secret Keeper but had chosen not to disclose to him that the reason was because he was not planning on surviving much longer. He saw the pitying looks that Draco gave him when he thought he wasn't looking. He knew that ever since that night, that dreadful night, he had lost his edge--that which had kept him always one step ahead of Voldemort and the rest of the Death Eaters.

It was gone now, and there was no reason for him to stay alive anymore. The Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa had been fulfilled, Dumbledore was dead, and there was no way the Boy-Who-Lived-to-Kill-Voldemort was going to accept any more help from him. It was true that the Dark Lord now looked upon him without suspicion, but there was no one left in the Order that would trust his information, and it would not be long before he gave himself away, or worse, before Pettigrew would finally be able to convince Voldemort of Snape's true allegiance.

No, it would be much better to take his life on his own terms, even if it meant dying as a traitor in everyone's eyes. Who would have believed him anyway? He almost regretted telling Draco his story because he feared the boy might one day do something rash to prove his innocence, but he knew Narcissa would keep her only son safe. Another son kept alive because of a mother's love.

Severus shivered. The chill was starting to set into his tired bones, and he knew that if he remained in this position--draped over Lily's gravestone--his body would pay for it in the morning. He didn't move, though. He had come here to say his one last goodbye, and besides, it wouldn't matter if he was in pain in an hour or so. Goodbye, Lily.

"Severus?" Oh God...

"Lily?" He couldn't believe his eyes.

"Severus, we have to get out of here!"

"No, Lily," he said, rising to confront her. "I know why you're here, and you can't stop me from doing it this time. It's over. I killed you, and I've killed Albus. The Vow is broken. You have no hold over my life anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Something was wrong with her voice. It was familiar but sounded wrong coming from her. Had it really been that long that he had forgotten how she sounded? Or had death changed her in ways that he did not want to know about?

"The Vow, Lily. The Unbreakable Vow you made me take just before going into hiding. It only holds as long as at least two out of three present are still alive. You know that," he said accusingly.

"Is that why! Is that why you killed him!"

"No! God, Lily, do you still think so little of me?" He looked at her with the eyes of a wounded, betrayed animal. "No," he said more softly. "I would never have killed him just to release myself from your Vow. It has not been easy to keep it, but I have done it regardless."

"Then I want to hear you say it, Severus. Repeat your Vow to me." If possible, the pain increased in his eyes.

"You won't let me go, will you, Lily? Even after more than fifteen years in the grave, you can't do it."

"Say it!"

"I vowed to never again attempt to take my own life!" he spat out. His words echoed in the stillness of the night as neither of them spoke for several seconds. "I don't know if you realized how silly you were being, making me promise on my life that I wouldn't kill myself. But I couldn't deny you then; not even Albus could. I really thought you had come to kill me when I first saw you that night. After all the harm I had already done to you, why did you bother trying to save me?" Her green eyes grew moist with tears.

"I...I suppose I must have thought you were worth it." Snape snorted.

"You and Albus, always looking for the best in everyone. You have to appreciate the irony; I ended up killing the only two people who ever saw any good in me."

"You didn't kill me, Severus."

"I might as well have! It was because of me that the Dark Lord heard about the prophecy and decided to go looking for you, James, and Harry. Do you know how many times I've wondered what if? What if I hadn't been listening at the door that day? What if I had never joined Voldemort at all? What if I had never pushed you away?" He found he could not look her directly in the eyes as he continued his confession.

"I can't begin to tell you how much I regret what I said that day." He couldn't help it; everything he had been keeping to himself all these years was finally coming out. "I know I lost you then, all because I was too scared that everyone else would see how much you cared for me. And how much I cared for you. Because you were a Gryffindor, and I was a Slytherin."

"What did you say that day, Severus?" she asked gently.

"You know exactly what I said. I called you a Mudblood for trying to help me. It's my worst memory, you know." He chuckled sardonically. "Incidentally, your son's seen it, although I'm sure he thinks I hid it in the Pensieve because I couldn't stand him seeing James and Sirius hexing me."

"Harry? He's seen...?"

"Yes. Harry. God, Lily, do you know what it's been like for me these past six years? He's the spitting image of James, which though annoying enough in itself, is nothing compared to having to see you looking at me through those eyes with so much distrust and resentment. It's a reminder to me everyday of what I could have had and lost." He reached out to her then. She flinched away at first but did not draw away completely. His stayed his hand an inch away from her cheek though, afraid to feel the ghostly chill and be reminded tangibly that he had killed her. "Oh Lily. How much you must hate me, and yet how much I still love you," he whispered.

"Love?" He watched realization dawn on her face. "That's it! That's why Dumbledore trusted you!" Sadness filled Severus's heart.

"Yes, although I still maintain that he shouldn't have. 'Love,' he told me. 'That's how I know you will remain true to me, no matter what. You have the ability to love, and that one difference will forever sunder you from Voldemort's side.'" At the time, I could have cared less what he chose to believe. I only knew that because of my stupidity, you were dead. My life was no longer mine; I gave it to the only person I knew who might have the power to finish Voldemort. I wanted vengeance. Only later did I realize it was atonement I was truly seeking." He looked at her with half-hopeful eyes. "Am I done yet? Have you forgiven me?"

She stared at him for a few long seconds before asking, "Why did you kill Dumbledore?" The hope withdrew. He sighed before speaking.

"It all started last summer when I was forced into making another Unbreakable Vow. I promise you, Lily," he said desperately. "I had no idea it was coming. I would never have sullied the one I gave to you if I could have foreseen it."

"Finish your story," she whispered. He hung his head in defeat, and it was a few moments before he started again.

"I vowed to Narcissa that I would protect her son and in the case that he could not do what the Dark Lord had bid him to do, I would do it myself. Albus and I argued for hours about what this could mean. I tried prying the information from the boy himself, but I was unsuccessful. It wasn't until the unfortunate incidents with a cursed necklace and some poisoned mead that we realized he had been ordered to kill Albus.

"I knew then that this was Voldemort's way of testing my loyalties once and for all. There was no way he could have expected a mere boy to kill Albus when he hadn't been able to do it himself. He must have sent that bitch, Bellatrix, to ensnare me in a Vow. It was either kill him or die. While I would have glad chosen the latter, your Vow prevented me from doing so." He said this so bitterly that Lily physically flinched in response. "Of course Albus forbade me from killing Narcissa and her sister.

"No, he trusted me with finding another way, yet another mistake on his part. Do you remember the potion we were working on, before I ruined everything for us? I never returned to it after that day; there were too many painful associations with it, and honestly, I didn't think I would be able to perfect it without your help. Now that I had no other option, I knew I had to try. After weeks of experiments, I thought I had figured out what we were missing. Think about it, Lily. What more perfect ingredient for a resurrection potion than a phoenix feather? Fawkes gladly volunteered one of his. You would have liked this: I named it the 'Phoenix Solution' after him.

"Of course there was no way to test it. Not only was there an Unforgivable involved, there were too many other variables. Part of the psychological effects of the potion was that it would cause the person drinking it to resist finishing the entire dose, and the only person who could force them to drink the rest would be someone who loved them but didn't know the full effect of the draught. Twisted little potion, isn't it?" He grinned wryly.

"I argued with him that he was taking my potions making skills for granted, that there was too much at stake and I didn't want to do it anymore, but he wouldn't hear of it. Then he asked if I had found out from my investigations within Slytherin what the timetable was for Draco's plans. Another particularly nasty side effect of the potion is that it's a terribly effective desiccant, but nothing can be drunk between the ingesting of the Phoenix Solution and the casting of the Killing Curse or else it wouldn't work. We wanted to keep that time interval as short as possible, so we needed to know when Draco was planning his assassination attempt.

"In the meantime, Albus was planning a way to have the potion force fed to him. Of course he chose your son for that honor. At first I was furious at him that he would trust such an important task to Harry, but in hindsight, I realize he one of the reasons he did it was so that I had enough emotion within me to kill him. I also realize now why he kept me away from the Defense Against the Dark Arts position for so long. There still are too many temptations for me in that realm."

"How did Dumbledore do it, Severus? How did he make Harry force him to drink it?"

"He played on Harry's need to be involved in the destruction of Voldemort. He made up some story of how he had found another item that encased part of Voldemort's soul and told Harry he would bring him with him to retrieve it. I was sure someone, if not Harry, would have realized how drastic of a change in his modus operandi that was, but no one even mentioned it."

"I don't understand. What does the Horcrux have to do with the Phoenix Solution?" He looked up at her suddenly.

"How did you know about the Horcrux?"

"I...it was something I read about once. From your description, it sounded like what you were talking about."

"My little Lily. What a bad influence I must have been on you for you to be reading about Horcruxes."

"Answer my question, Severus."

"He set up an elaborate ruse. Using the location where he had found another Horcrux, he planted a decoy he had found in a basin filled with the Solution. He then cast a spell over it so that the only way to reach the fake Horcrux was for him to drink the Solution. I also suggested that he cast a spell over the area that would prevent the Aguamenti Charm from working so that he wouldn't be able to drink anything afterwards, no matter what.

"We thought of everything, Lily! Every last detail. We just needed to know when to implement the plan. I eventually got this piece of information from a former student of mine. You might remember his father, Sven Swanson? He was a few years older than us. His son, Aric is an exact replica of him, big and blonde. Because of something I had done for him when he was first initiated, he remained amiable to me. That is, as amiable as two Death Eaters can be to each other. He was the one who informed me when Draco had told him to be available to invade Hogwarts. He didn't know how it was to be done, nor did he know who else was to be involved, but that was enough for now. We knew the time and the countdown began." Severus saw Lily's eyes widen then, and she looked quickly at her watch.

"Severus," there was more urgency in her voice now. "We really need to leave. Now!"

"No, Lily! Haven't you been paying attention? It didn't work! Our potion didn't work! He would have come back by now; there would've been some sort of sign. But we gambled and we lost. He's dead, and I killed him. How can you expect me to go on carrying all these burdens? It's too much for any mortal man. You called me a coward last time, and maybe I am. Your son certainly seems to think so. But you know what, Lily? There's nothing you can do to stop me this time."

He reached into his pocket and drew out a small vial. The liquid inside was a dense black; no light reflected from its surface whatsoever.

"This is it, Lily. What I tell every first year class: the ability to 'stopper death'." He uncorked it and looked at her one last time. "Goodbye, Lily, my love." As he tipped the contents of the bottle into his mouth, several things happened almost all at once.

Lily jumped up and batted the bottle from his hands. It fell onto the ground where the potion spilled out and killed everything it touched, leaving a spot of brown, dead grass in its wake. Surprised, Severus grabbed Lily's hand.

"What is the meaning of this? How is it I can feel you? What are you!" Then his eyes spotted the emerald ring that she wore on the hand he was holding. "WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?" he roared as he pulled it off her finger.

"Please, sir...." She struggled to free herself from his grasp. "We need to go!"

"You're not Lily! WHO ARE YOU?" He drew his wand on her, but it jumped out of his hand as he suddenly heard Harry's voice from above.

"Expelliarmus!" He whipped around to find Harry and his ever-present sidekick Ronald Weasley landing on their broomsticks. He felt the hand he was holding struggle again and his attention was diverted back to her for a second. The red hair and green eyes were fading now and being replaced with bushy brown hair and brown eyes. "Hermione!"

"LET GO OF HER, SNAPE!" shouted Potter.

"What is going on!" Snape screamed back.

"Hermione, are you okay?"

"I said, let go of her!"

"Not until I get some answers!"

"I warned you, Snape." Harry drew back his wand, and Snape knew what was coming next. In that instant, he let go of Hermione and prepared for the inevitable.

"Avada Kedavra!"

"No, Harry!" Hermione shrieked as she threw herself in front of the ray of green light shooting out of his wand.

"Hermione!" Ron jumped as well and took the brunt of the blast. Snape watched it ricochet off the now dead body of the youngest Weasley boy and hit Harry, who also fell down lifeless.

"Ron!" Hermione ran over to the body. "What did you do?! Ron, you idiot! Rennervate!" she screamed as she cast the spell repeatedly. "Rennervate! Rennervate! You can't be dead. Come on, Ron! Get up!"

Severus left her crying over the boy. He retrieved his wand before walking over to where Potter lay. He was still breathing, but barely. His eyes were open though and staring at him full of loathing.

"I don't know how you managed to survive your own curse; I don't imagine you were skillful enough to create a Horcrux of your own. I ought to kill you right now. I could, without even casting an Unforgivable. All I'd need to do is touch you." He knelt down and reached out his hand to the boy's face. Harry didn't even have enough strength to flinch.

"No! Severus, please. Don't!" Hermione cried out to him.

"And why should I listen to you? You tricked me! Deceived me!" He pointed his wand at her while keeping his free hand near Harry.

"Please! He's Lily's son!"

He looked back down at Harry. Lily's green eyes stared back at him and he felt his desire to kill him ebb away. Disgusted, he spat on him. The spittle landed near the corner of his right eye and began to burn him as if acid.

"Harry!" The girl flew over and pushed Snape aside. She went to brush the spit away, but he grabbed her hand again.

"You can't touch him either!" For what seemed the longest time, their hands remained locked together as the two of them stared at each other wordlessly. Later on, Severus would wonder why he had prevented her from touching him in the first place. Finally, Hermione broke the silence.

"Fine, but I need to get him to The Burrow."

"Do whatever you want with him. Whether he lives or dies is of no concern to me anymore."

"But...." And just like that he was gone. "Professor!" she called out into the empty air. She wanted to collapse then; every ounce of her emotion and physical stamina was sapped, but she knew she had to get Harry to help. Although tears were still falling, she didn't bother to wipe them or her nose.

"Harry," she sniffled. "I'm going to have to try and Apparate you back with me to The Burrow. I'll...sniff...I'll come back for Ron afterwards. Stay with me, Harry. Please, I need you to stay with me now, all right?" Although he still couldn't speak, he seemed to acknowledge what she was saying with the look in his eyes. She grabbed onto the sleeve of his robe and concentrated as hard as she could. In an instant, they were gone, and all that was left on the hill at Godric's Hollow was the tree, the two tombstones, and the still body of Ronald Weasley.