Never Ever Again

Why must he make me feel like this? He can cause this horrible feeling inside my chest, and he doesn't even know it. Why can't I close my eyes without seeing him? I know his face so well, better than my own. His eyes. Like mercury, swirling with hidden emotions, showing only apathy. His hair, falling softly across his face, glinting in the fading summer light. His perfect skin, smooth and pale, like death but so alive. Why does he carry only hate for me? Ever since we met he hated. But I love him. I love the way he walks, like he owns the earth, the way he talks with so much confidence, the way my world lights up around him. I love everything to do with him. A word from his mouth and electric sparks fly through my mind. A single glare and the landscape blurs, leaving him, looking at me. Thinking about him causes pangs of heartache, as agonizing as torture. He won't know. He can never know. Only I know how my heart explodes inside when I'm near him. The rush of energy he gives me. How I long to reach out. To touch. To hold. To caress. My body aches when I am not near him.

"Potter, are you going to stop staring at me? It's just that I'm moving over there and I wouldn't want to upset your ...."

"Oh fuck off Malfoy"

His voice buzzes through my mind. He spoke to me. My answer causes injury. Inside me.

"So witty Potter - would never have thought of that reply"

How can one person's words hurt so much? Like a fire it releases destroying pain, eating you from the inside. I couldn't stand it anymore. My life is nothing without him. I am empty. I am desolate.

I stagger upstairs towards the common room, my insides churning, scalding. Ron comes up to me. I push him away. All I want is Draco. All my feelings have been left down in the library with him. They surround him. So many emotions. They collide in mid air causing fireworks. He doesn't notice. He is blind to me.

Upstairs again and into the bathroom. The white of the walls only reminds me of his pale skin. Everything reminds me of him. Feathers settling on the floor of the Owlery are his hair, silently fluttering. The red of the Gryffindor flag is his lips, full and passionate.

God . . . I love the way he bites his lower lip when he concentrates. It drives me insane to think that I will never feel his lips on mine. I collapse on the floor, drained of all feeling. Nothing is left of me. He has taken all that I was and flung it into the rubbish bin to lie there for eternity, listless and dead. How can I live when there is nothing to live for? No one to live for. I reach for the cabinet. I realise I am crying. Hot salty tears dribble down my face and drip from my chin. I do have emotion left. Sadness. Pain. Torment. My hand gropes and catches the sterile packet of razors. Choosing one. The nicest one. The last decision I will ever make. My hand grips death, the coldness biting into my fingers.

Ironic really. Born as a Muggle, dying like a Muggle. It would be easier to use a wand, but I feel the need to do this. To release the demons flowing through me, changing me, fucking with my mind. I look at my wrist. Light blue veins stand out from my skin. I cut. I feel nothing. I cut again. Blood is seeping into my robes, dribbling from two scratches in my wrist. Except. You can't notice the blood stain on the black robes. I can see blood. I can see my arm bleeding. I don't feel anything. My life was pointless, to have come to this, and have nothing left.

A sudden surge of anger at myself.

You stupid bastard.

You are worth shit.

Look you can't even kill yourself right.

Not enough courage to cut deep.

Imagine what the world would say if they saw The Boy Who Lived now. He can't do it. He's the Boy Who Can't Die.

Chicken shit...

I scream. Words boom from my mouth echoing off the walls, rebounding in my brain, smashing through the fog.

"I can I can I can I can I can" I scream over and over again.

The razor slices again and again, letting anger flood out. Deeper than before. My arm is covered in thick congealing blood. I am dizzy with pain, which has flooded back; pain shows I'm alive. My stomach fills with a heavy weight.... I'm still alive. The room encloses me like a cage, not letting me go. It can't hold me for much longer.

My hand reaches out for the basin. That's not my arm. It feels detached. I catch sight of my face in the mirror. That's not my face. Tear stained and screwed up with agony. My eyes close to shut out the sight of me. I cannot cope anymore. My hand lets go of the basin. I let go of life. My head hits the floor with a satisfying thump. The last nail hammered into my own coffin. I love him. I regret nothing. I couldn't live without him. Now I can't live. I fall into darkness. An eternal shield from the love flies into place. I'll never love again.