Reunion

Happy Valentine's Day

by Icarus

January 29th

Dear Severus,

We've been using your potion religiously for well over a week now, and have checked with the Maternity charm daily -- so far with no result. Now I realise you said that this might take some time, but I slept with my wife just the once and well, it worked.

Could there be something wrong? Should we try a Fertility rite in conjunction with the potion?

Gratefully yours,

Draco Malfoy

~*~*~

January 30th

Dear Draco,

Even with a woman you must wait for the proper timing in her cycle. No doubt your wife made certain of that for you.

Your Mr Weasley is just beginning this process. The ovum must be produced, then travel down the fallopian tubes into the uterus, etc., etc. The entire cycle takes approximately one month. Despite your lack of interest in the opposite sex, I trust that Weasley at least is not completely ignorant of female anatomy. If he is, he must remedy that ignorance and continue taking the Amanuensis potion daily.

Please refrain from any additional 'experiments' that could disrupt my potion. What you are attempting is experimental enough as it is.

Severus Snape

~*~*~

February 9th

Dear Severus,

I apologise for bothering you with something this ridiculous, but I hope you can resolve a dispute. It's been two and a half weeks and this has grown tiresome.

Is there a requirement of any particular position? Or is there a special position that is considered 'best' for conception? I say no, but Ron absolutely insists he is correct.

Rather embarrassed,

Draco Malfoy

~*~*~

February 10th

Dear Draco,

I would prefer not to be privy to the intimate details of your sexual encounters with Weasley, thank you very much. (Though it doesn't take a great leap of imagination to guess the position to which you refer.)

There is no doubt in my mind that position is irrelevant so long as the proper orifice is utilized. Perhaps Mr Weasley should refer to wizarding texts on sex education that are more reliable than bathroom walls and his Quidditch chums?

Severus Snape

~*~*~

February 15th

Dear Severus,

I don't know what to do.

Ron won't let me touch him. He didn't go to work today, and he won't come out of the bathroom... and he refuses to allow the Maternity charm. He says he is certain there is no point to it. Frankly, he seems very upset.

Could there be some side effects to the Amanuensis potion? Or perhaps could this be an indication of sorts? A sign of -? Already -? I wasn't around for this part with my wife, but I've heard that women become overly emotional and sensitive when, well -- you know.

Worried and very confused,

Draco Malfoy

~*~*~

February 16th

Dear Draco,

Loath as I am to agree with Mr Weasley, as it has been twenty-six days since he first took the potion, I believe he is correct. No doubt the women in his family have relatively short cycles as well.

This is a very healthy and positive sign that my potion is working perfectly, and it may determine whether Amanuensis is gradual or immediate in its effects.

I would like more specific information about his flow: is he spotting like a teenager, or has he begun full adult menstruation immediately?

I would also like to compare his with a female relative's, either his mother or a sister would do. I've enclosed a vial and sealing spell for him to send a sample so that I may run a few tests.

Severus Snape

~*~*~

February 17th

Dear Severus,

Okay. It seems you were right. That's... surprising.

I've no idea why he wouldn't tell me.

Ron was, er, uncooperative with regards to your research (to put it mildly), but as far as flow I would describe it as... copious. Severus, he's called in sick, he's saying he won't do this but he can't stop now -- it's a mess, he refuses to buy any sort of female product they use for this sort of thing, he says the one will get stuck and the other, well, he just won't. I've never dealt with anything like this -- it's barbaric!

Help!

Draco

~*~*~

February 17th

Dear Draco,

Please inform Mr Weasley that I am running tests to be sure there are no abnormalities caused by the potion. As for the other (disgusting) matter, I have enlisted Madam Pomfrey's aid. There may be some psychological issues raised that we hadn't initially considered.

Severus Snape

~*~*~

February 18th

Mr Malfoy: Regarding your most recent letter.

There was no need for you to send a Howler; I've no doubt your gutter language is due to the present company you keep. As for your 'concerns' about my involving Madam Pomfrey, doctor-patient confidentiality does apply; though should you succeed, I assure you confidentiality is an utter impossibility and in fact defeats your purpose. .

Thank you, however, for the sample (at long last). I suspected fear would override Mr Weasley's indignation. Rest assured there is virtually no danger of adverse effects, but as I'll need this monthly I suggest that you not tell him so. If you wish to continue to receive the Amanuensis potion, you will continue to assist me in my research.

Don't ever send me a Howler again. You have stretched the limits of our friendship, Draco.

Madam Pomfrey believes she has a solution to Mr Weasley's 'potty training' difficulty - a redesign that accommodates male genitalia and manages to be at once unnecessary, overly expensive, and absurd. She has also made it a soothing 'dark blue' colour. You are to inform him that it is:

a) made from the same material used for the more difficult Quidditch injuries; and that

b) a man would likely experience a greater blood loss than a woman. I agree with her assessment although I don't see how it's relevant.

She insists that he be told these two points however. She has asked me to inform you privately that should he run out, you might use a chromium charm to change the 'female' products to this lovely shade of blue.

Severus Snape

~*~*~

February 18th

Dear Severus,

Thank you. Merlin, I apologize for that Howler. I should have known that you of all people would consider the importance of confidentiality. I don't intend to inform anyone until our experiment is a success. The Malfoys do have enemies.

Ron's response, while not overjoyed, was at least positive (thank God).

I quote, "These are for blokes, eh?"

He was greatly cheered by the fact that men have 'superior blood loss,' and there's been no more discussion of discontinuing the potion, either quietly or at full Weasley volume.

He somehow has the notion that only the Quidditch gauze is able to withstand this punishment, and so we are not going to run out if I have to order a ten-year supply. But he'd better be pregnant by next month because I don't think I can go through another week like this one.

I'm off to buy new sheets, a new mattress, new bath mats, and -- since I can't stand looking at them any more -- new curtains. All plans to convince Ron to move to the Manor are on hold until we're past this stage, for obvious reasons. I'd rather replace a ten-Sickle rug than a Louis XIV divan.

Sweet fucking Merlin, Severus. I wish you'd told us.

Yours truly,

Draco

~*~*~

February 19th

Dear Draco,

I did inform both of you in my first letter. I said it was a monthly cycle did I not?

I am surrounded by children who can't make simple leaps of logic, but I expect more of adults.

I would commiserate, but for next time I recommend that you choose someone further up the evolutionary ladder. I trust that when I refer to him as your 'bloody boyfriend' henceforth, you will know what I mean?

Amused,

Severus

~*~*~

February 20th

Severus, you are horrible.

Draco

~*~*~

February 21st

I do try.

Your friend (despite the Howler),

Severus

~*~*~

February 22nd

I haven't stopped laughing since I received your owl. You realise of course that I'd have to hex you if you ever said it to Ron's face. Pregnancies and the Malfoy fortune aside, I do want to have sex again.

I don't know what I'd do without your help. Ron and I have decided that we are completely mad to even attempt this.

Draco

P.S. We are running low on the Amanuensis potion. Could you please send (oh dear god) another month's supply?

Finis.