Bloody Laughter

Bloody Laughter

Chapter 3: A Ruptured Sanctuary

He heard someone shriek as his head collided with the floor. He only lost consciousness for a second but it seemed like a day had gone by before he finally reached the ground. He felt the shuffling of feet around his head as he was lifted off the floor. He tried to open his eyes but he couldn't conjure enough energy to do much more than flutter his eyelids. He couldn't even clearly make out the different voices and who they belonged too. "Are there lights in here?" ... "Oh my God, look at all that food!"..."Do you think he's eaten anything at all?"..."Here, lay him on the bed"

He could feel himself being placed onto his bed. In any other circumstance he would have been glad and relieved to be back in his sanctuary and safe in his bed but this was exactly what he had not wanted to happen. He just couldn't hold out till he got in his room. He had promised himself that he wouldn't let this happen and he went outside his room just to prevent this. What had that gotten him, exactly what he didn't want. He now regretted it more than ever. He had failed himself and now everything was going to change.

"Molly, go bring him some fresh food, and water. Severus, do you have a vial of dreamless sleep potion? Well then, go get it. My God, look how skinny he is, why didn't we see before?" Harry tried again to open his eyes but everything was a blur and soon the room started to spin faster and faster. After many things were shoved down his throat he finally passed out again, only it could have been the potion, all he knew was that he was far, far away from everything and all thoughts of Sirius or the prophecy disappeared.

All too soon afterward, Harry was being lightly prodded awake. "Harry dear, come, you have to eat something now. We have to try to get you healthy again. Come on, sit up now, there you go." Before he could protest, various liquids were streaming down his throat. After the fifth potion, Harry again tried to open his eyes and this time succeeded. The lights had been turned on and Mrs. Weasley was sitting on the bed in front of him. He could see that the trash can and pile of discarded food had been removed and the chair that he had used to secure the door was currently occupied by Professor Lupin's sleeping body. Molly could see that Harry was inquiring about Remus. "He insisted on staying in here until you woke up. He tried using a caffeine potion to stay awake but eventually sleep prevailed." Right as she said this the professor's body jerked awake and in doing so fell completely off the chair he was sitting on.

"Harry! Oh Harry, your awake. We've all been so worried. I bet the others would like to know that you're ok. Molly? Would you? I'd like a moment alone with him." "Of course, yes, thought you might. Well I'll just go tend to the others and tell them that he's awoken." There was an awkward silence after she closed the door and neither spoke. As if to find something to do, Lupin picked up his chair and put it right next to Harry on the bed. "I don't really know what to say Harry. I mean we were all worried about you and wanted to see you come down, but at the same time I don't think anyone really wanted to face what had happened. We all knew that you weren't alright, but to go and starve yourself like that, I mean, if you hadn't have come down this morning then you might have collapsed in your room and we wouldn't have known and...blimey Harry, what have you done to yourself? Were you trying to starve yourself to death? Was that your plan or something? Oh, we had no idea how you were suffering."

Why did he care so much all of a sudden? This was too much for Harry, all this attention and food. Ever since he was given nutrients and water, it seemed like his body was always asking for more, trying to replenish all that it was deprived of. He couldn't stand it. He liked it better when he was completely numb to it all and when nothing mattered. He guessed that he was supposed to thank everyone for saving him, but would he really mean it? No, he wouldn't, not at all. He would have much rather just withered away before they could do anything about it. If he had known he was so close would he have still gone down to breakfast? No, he would have stayed and rotted in his bed where he belonged.

"Harry? Harry? Are you even listening to me? Say something. Show me that you can hear me. Please." The urgency of Lupin's voice was what made him do it. It was what made him speak in the first place, and here he was again, doing what he was told as he slowly raised his head and lowered it again, somewhat of a nod. Apparently Remus understood and he smiled down at Harry.

To Harry's short lived relief, he heard footsteps outside of his door that quickly made their way into the small room. The rather large feet of Ronald Weasley were shortly followed by the significantly smaller feet of Hermione Granger. Instead of being happy that his two best friends had come to see him, he almost hated them. They didn't have to be the world's knight in shinning armor or savior. They didn't have to be the ones to defeat the dark lord by themselves. They didn't have the deaths of two people lingering about their heads. They could have a normal teenage life, complete with everything that entails. It definitely didn't come with a side of constant agony. They had hope in their eyes when Harry had none, all he had was death, nothing more.

"Harry! You're awake! We've been so worried about you. How do you feel?" He mustered all the strength he could and rolled over on his side facing the wall. He didn't want to be close to anyone anymore because he just knew that they would eventually end up dead. If the only way to get them away from him would be to make them hate him, well, it was worth it. He would do it for them, to save them, as a last gift. "Look, Harry's tired, let's let him rest now. We'll socialize later."

Harry didn't turn back over until he heard the door click and the sound of their footsteps die away. He wanted so very badly to go back to sleep but with all the food he had been given, his mind was wide awake and busy again. Without the thought of hunger to focus on he had nothing else to think about so his mind was able to wander freely over all the reasons why he wanted to die. Over and over and over again he replayed the moment in the Department of Mysteries where Sirius fell behind the veil. It was haunting him day in and day out. Constant pain was erupting in his heart. He couldn't handle it. He needed to find a way to compress and store all those thoughts away and focus on only one thing. What could he do? What could he focus on? He needed a different kind of pain, real pain that he could see and touch. Was there really something like that, that he could actually get a hold of quickly? There must be something, anything.

With less effort than before, he got up from his bed and opened up his truck. Nothing, nothing, nothing...wait! His hand had come upon brown paper that had been folded up around something. How could he have forgotten the mirror that Sirius had given him. Again the thought of Sirius clouded Harry's mind but it was easier to push it back and focus at the task at hand. He brought the package back to his bed and started to open it. Pieces of glass littered the bed as he sat on it, just staring at the various shapes and sizes surrounding him. Yes, yes this would be his salvation, the thing that would take his mind off of everything. Why had he not remembered it? It's perfect, he thought as his finger lightly traced its razor sharp edge. Just perfect.