Going Under

     Going Under

Now I will tell you what I've done for you

I cannot give you anymore. I'm still young but you're making my spirit old, and tired. You beat me down and reduce me to nothing. I had even tried to inflict pain on myself so the pain inside would go away. It didn't. I wanted to love you. I wanted to give myself to you. I wanted to change you and maybe I thought, you could change me. I gave you several years of my life. I cared for you, I worried for you, I lived for you. And this is how you repay me. I'm laying here, cold and alone in our new apartment. Hogwarts is long over, and I wish it wasn't, at least then I could have ran to some one for help. But Harry, Ron and Hermione live far, far away. My body aches with pain from what you have done to me. You just walked away, disgust in your cold eyes. No sorrow, no remorse. I'm not crying. I won't, but it's so hard...

50 thousand tears I've cried

Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you

And you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself

My world didn't always revolve around you. I had other choices, but you...

You were so alone and independent. You needed no one, like me. No one had ever been there for me. Day after day after day I made friends with my thoughts, hopes and dreams. But when they died, I did too. I need comfort, that's why I ran to you. Not intentionally, of course, you had always had the deepest loathing for me. But when you cast those emotionless eyes at me warningly, I thought I'd saw something flicker in them. And for once it was arrogence, hate, or anger. It was a call for help. So I tried to help you. Look where I am now...

Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented...Daily defeated by you

Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

Now I let the tears fall.

I'm dying again...

Pain surges through my body. I just wanted to save you. But you took advantage of my kindness. I hate you for that. But I'm still inlove with you. Damn, it hurts me so fucking much to know I was your fool. I was nothing more than a vent for your anger, a puppet that you could make turn everywhich way until I grew worn and finally broke. I have never lied to you. I remember the first time you lied. Though so full of your damn pride, you apologised and asked my forgiveness. I had accepted your aplogy and forgave you. I didn't want to lose you, you were the only thing I had left. I hope you're happy you bastard. Look what you've done to me.

I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

And soon, one lie became two. Three girls became four. Five slaps became six. Seven tears became too many and I knew then I had to get away, I had to get out. But your cruel love had me tangled and soon, I lost myself and became more and more devoted to you. Soon, you were right when you made me bleed and I was wrong for being so weak. I became a stranger to mydelf and those around me because I became you. There was no way out and I was gone forever.

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies

So I don't know what's real and what's not

Always confusing the thoughts in my head

So I can't trust myself anymore

My name became 'bitch'. Everyday you would tell me to 'get on the bed'. Skipping the chase, you'd go straight into me, unpassionately. It hurt most of the time, and I remember always feeling violated afterwards. You wouldn't tell me you loved me, instead ordered me to make you something to eat after. I remember making you dinner for you when you got back home from God knows where, and you, wasted away on Firewhiskey, saying you weren't going to 'eat that shit'. When we got into fights, you always told me how lucky I was that I had you, and had your love. Ha. Love my arse.

If this is what love was really like, I knew it would eventually kill me. This isn't love, is it? You weren't right, were you? I tried to tell you I wanted out, I needed to breathe and be alone. But you captured me inside of you and wouldn't let me out. You yelled at me and said if I tried to go to someone, they'd push me away, because I meant nothing. You made me feel like I was nothing. I couldn't run, I couldn't hide. I was imprisoned in your wrath for eternity. Well fuck you, and fuck your love.

I'm dying again...

I'm going under

Drowning in you

I'm falling forever

I've got to break through

I'm going under

The idea of ending this, ending it all, is so sweet to my mind. If there was a way to get away from this pain you make me feel, I'd do anything possible. I dispise you. I loathe you. I love you. I can't make my mind up, but all I know, I can't go on living like this. I wont. Well, can you? Can you live knowing you killed me? No, you didn't just take my life from me, you tortured me slowly and deliberately. You wanted it to hurt. Maybe because you hurt so badly, you needed me to suffer also. So I'm still laying here contemplating a hopless relationship with you. Oh, so you're back. Want to kill me further? I think not.

"Get up, you're a fucking mess," You say. You speak in monotone and make no eye contact with me whatsoever. Your silverish hair falls around your forehead. You so beautiful, but your nothing but a poison to me. So I get up and make my way to my room, walking in slow, painful steps.I wanted you to feel my pain, feel it with every step I took and with every breath I inhaled. Feel it.

The silver blade never looked to appealing to me. I picked it up, running my fingertips alone the fine metal, ingraved in it was 'G&D' our initials. I had done it when I had last cut myself, I watched the scarlet blood drip down that blade, and it felt good. It temporarily took away the pain I felt in my soul. But as always, it returned. I was stupid to think the coldness you breathed into me would subside. I walk out of my room, blade in hand.

I now stand in front of you, and for once, I'm not scared to look you in the eye. I'm not scared to keep my head up at level with yours. But I am scared as I drag th blade down into my wrist, drawing blood.

So go on and scream

Scream at me

I'm so far away

"What the hell are you doing!" you scream, lunging for the knife. And then I turn the point into you. God, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. You're grey eyes are wide with shock, and your pale lips part to speak, but not a sound comes out except a desperate gasp. I push it further into you as you fall against the wall. You grip my forearms, but I do not stop.

"Just sleep..." I whisper to you, though you cannot hear, "I love you...I loved you..."

Your struggle stops and I pull the blade from you. Look what you made me do. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...

I won't be broken again

I've got to breathe

The blood on the knife is red. Who knew you bled crimson blood? From what everyone else thought, you were hollow on the inside. And from what I know, they weren't entirely wrong. My eyes are wet, and it's not long before the pain spills onto my cheeks, pale with fright. I had finished you off. Admit it, you were dying too. I took the pain away from you. It's more than you could ever have done for me. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry anymore. You were never sorry. Every time you struck me, were you sorry? Every time you formed my lips into a frown, were you sorry? Every time you saw me cry, were you sorry? No, you were too fucking full of yourself. But now as I stare into you lifeless eyes, I detect no change in emotion in them, as they were always lifeless.

You know how they say your whole life flashes before your eyes before you die? Well they're right, because the last thing I saw before plunging the blade deep into myself was you, Draco. I hope your happy. I saw you as I took my final breaths, as you saw me as you took yours.

I can't keep going under...

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He bent down near her tombstone, shaped like an angel. Because that's was she was. The tears threatened to fall, but he was a man. He wouldn't let them. Harry Potter pushed his raven hair out of his face and ran his fingers over her name.

Virginia Anne Weasley

1982-2002

And even away from here, her eyes light up another day.

Harry set the flowers he held in his hand down beside the stone and sighed deeply. He felt guilty. He knew she had been going out with Draco starting in her sixth year. He knew he really didn't love her, and he knew she was devoted to him. But Harry had stayed away and kept his business to himself. And now he regretted it. If only he had said something to Malfoy, or tried to convince Ginny to get out...

If only this, if only that. It meant shit now, he was too late. Harry stood up and tightened his coat around him. It was a cold day, but when visions of Ginny smiling ran through his mind, he felt warm again.

~EnD~