Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Ginny never allowed herself to cry unless she was absolutely sure she was alone. She never allowed herself to make a single sound as she cried unless she knew the house to be empty. Showing pain was not a comfort she could afford. She was a widowed mother; she needed to be strong for her children. Especially on a day like this.

It was the first anniversary of her husband's death. She needed to keep a brave front, even if all she wanted to do was break down and sob her heart out, or what was left of it. She had gone to the memorial in his honor and she had not shed a tear. To be told of your departed loved one by a complete stranger gave you a definite and priceless sense of detachment. It was wonderful; you looked down on your pain from a cloud high above and watched your silent distress in numbness. But it didn't last long. Nothing like that ever lasted.

She had not brought her children with her; she still thought they were too young. The eldest was eight. She had left them with her father for the day. He needed the company too. Mostly, she did not want them to see so much mourning.

It was sad how far they had drifted. After Harry's death they had not spoken of anything remotely important or meaningful. They were afraid of each other's pain. They could just barely cope with their own. Tragedy might bring some families together, but not hers. All she wanted to do with her life now was shield her children from everything else.

She wished she could hide the way she stared out at the sky, and her obvious weakness. She wished she could stop wondering and going through all the 'what if's, like they could actually change something. She wished things would have been made easy. But, she admitted to herself, that seemed as easy as forgetting him completely. If she were to pull off her own arm she would have gotten better results.

Harry used to tell her, after the death of her mother, that it was a good thing she could miss that much. He said it meant she truly cared. Now she wondered if he missed her from heaven just as much as she missed him from earth. If she could be proven he did, life would make a tragic sort of sense.

Death was a strange thing. It was a secret and it had only one keeper: the sky. Some people thought it was an end, others thought it was a passage. Ginny did not know what she thought. To her it was like a barrier. It kept her from where she wanted to be. But she wanted to believe, she needed to believe that there was something more. Anything more. She knew one thing, though; death had no closure. It left you in pieces, praying that someone would come along and put you back together again. It left an empty space to be filled. With what, she knew not. It left you with the distinct feeling that all the goodbyes you could have said would never have been enough. Nothing mortal was enough. There had to be something else.

She had lost a lot along the years. Seven years ago she had lost a brother, Percy. Five years ago she lost two very close friends, Neville and Luna. Four years ago it had been her mother. And last year they had taken her husband. Her heart had been torn more than she had ever imagined possible...But life still had it's joys. She had lost a lot to the war, but she had not lost everything. She still had reason to live. Four reasons, actually.

She smiled slightly as she stood at the entrance to her sons' room. Six-year old James was on the top bunk of the bunk-bed and had thrown off all the blankets over the edge, where they lay in a heap on the floor. The black-haired little boy was curled up into a ball, shivering. Beneath him, five-year old Sirius was snoring tremendously.

The short red-haired woman shook her head softly, moved forward, picked up the fallen blankets and gently covered her son. He immediately began to flail so she put a hand to his cheek and shushed. He blinked his dark green eyes a little and calmed down. Then she bent down and kissed Sirius's forehead. He opened his almond-shaped amber eyes sleepily and made a fuss about swatting away a strand of reddish-brown hair. Smiling softly the woman left the room in silence.

She wondered how well she could raise them without a father. They were tough, yes, but it was easy to be tough when you avoided all the fragile things. She wondered if they would grow up to be great Quidditch players like Harry had wanted. Or if they would be Gryffindors like Harry had hoped. She wondered if they would care what he had hoped.

She entered little Molly's room. The three-year old was sleeping soundly spread across her small bed. Her short reddish-brown hair, so much like Sirius's, fell into her eyes. Her arm hung over the edge of her bed and her little stuffed bunny had fallen to the floor. Ginny picked it up and put it in her daughter's arms. She did not open her dark green eyes but mumbled sleepily, turning over with the bunny in her arms. Ginny left the room.

Ginny walked down the long hall, making sure not to step on the floorboards that creaked. She had lived in Potter Manor long enough to know which was which. Her eldest daughter's room was the last in the hall. She took a right when she reached the end.

There was a breeze blowing in the room. It was cool and smelt like summer; like moist earth, tree bark and cookouts. The light green blankets on the bed were pushed back, the window was wide open and the curtains blew in the wind. A little girl with long and straight red hair, wearing a short white night gown was leaning against the window-sill humming a familiar tune.

"Lily!" Ginny exclaimed in surprise as she entered the room. "Darling, what are you doing still up?"

The little girl turned around and the tune died on her tongue. Her bright-green eyes were wide as she addressed her mother, "I'm sorry mummy. I just like to look at the stars. And there aren't any clouds tonight."

Ginny took in a deep breath and she let it out slowly.

"That makes two of us," she muttered and made her way to her daughter, taking her by the hand.

"Enough of the sky, you're going to bed, munchkin!"

Lily shrieked with mirth as her mother picked her up and flung her onto her covers.

"Do it again!" she pleaded, crawling back toward her.

"Shh..." silenced her mom. She pulled the blankets back and waited for Lily to crawl in. "Not now. Now you go to sleep, my little star-watcher."

"Awww..." the girl whined, bouncing up and down. "Please, one more time?"

"No!" the mother said firmly. As the girl obediently, though somewhat sulkily, got under the covers and she smoothed them back, she irrepressibly added, "Tomorrow I'll do it. As many times as you like."

Lily smiled. She had a very delicate and sweet face and her bright, silky hair adorned it very nicely. Her green eyes were large and lovely. She was to die for.

"Mummy, will you sing me a song, please?"

How could Ginny ever refuse that face?

"Okay. Just one song. Which one do you want?" She knew very well which song it would be. It was always the same one.

"The one about the rainbow."

Ginny mocked a sigh. She sat down next to her giggling child and caressed her face adoringly.

"You like that one, don't you?" she asked.

Lily nodded happily, smiling.

Ginny laughed softly, and then began to sing.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like lemondrops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?

Some day I'll wish upon a star

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like lemondrops

Away above the chimney tops

That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow

Bluebirds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can't I?

Ginny knew she had a nice voice. It wasn't amazing or anything, but it was steady, and sweet on the high notes. And the song was sobering. It was good for putting her kids to sleep. While she sang she watched as the excited happiness in Lily's face slowly faded to be replaced by a far away wondering look. Her eyes shut eventually.

"Goodnight munchkin. Sweet dreams," she was whispering as she bent down to kiss her daughter's forehead. She then made to stand.

"Mum?" murmured Lily with her eyes still shut.

Something in the girl's voice made the mother uneasy. The innocence of a child's curiosity can be very dangerous.

Ginny sat back down, saying, "Lily, I thought you were asleep."

Lily didn't open her eyes. She remained perfectly still.

"How far away are the stars?"

Ginny was perplexed. She wondered where this could possibly lead to.

"Oh, I don't know, far. Very far. Like a million light years away."

Lily heaved a sigh. Her face, moments ago joyful was now sad and thoughtful. She looked older than her years.

"That's how far away from earth I wish I was."

Ginny's heart began to beat faster. Her eyes were painfully wide and fearful. She did not want those thoughts in her daughter's head.

"What..." She took a deep breath. "What do you mean by that?"

Lily's bottom lip trembled and she instinctively bit it. Her eight-year old mind had not processed the intensity of her statement. But the sadness was so thick she could feel it wrapping itself around her throat. She found out it had a very tight grip.

"Darling," her mother said and she sounded a little breathless. "Why would you want to be so far from here? Aren't you happy here? With your brothers...and your grandfather? With your Aunt Hermione and your Uncle Ron, and all your aunts and uncles? What about your cousins? Your cousin Sally adores you, aren't you happy here with all of them?" her voice broke a bit as she continued, "Aren't you happy here with me?"

Lily opened her bottle-green eyes. They looked distant and glassy as she said quietly, "I am happy, I think. I just...I miss dad." She began to blink forcefully. Her voice took up a sad and frightened tone she seemed to be trying to suppress. The wind blowing the curtains seemed to pick up speed. It seemed to be blowing the caution they had lived with for a year far away.

"You sing to me every night that heaven is somewhere over the rainbow. Granddad told me today when I asked him that heaven is after the stars. Everybody tells me that's where my father is and...I miss him. I wish I could be with him. And if that means being a million light years away from earth, then that's how far I want to be."

Her voice had gotten smaller and weaker as she spoke. The sadness, the despair and the missing were taking over. By the end her voice was so choked that her words were barely understandable. This seemed to horrify her.

"I'm sorry mum. I know I shouldn't cry, I'm sorry," Lily was pleading. She had lost control of her emotions. Her voice was high and hysterical as she tried dismally to hold back the tears, and continued, "I know I have to be strong and brave...for James and S-Sirius and Molly and...and you. I shouldn't think about it. I sh-shouldn't. I'm sorry... but I miss him...I know, I shouldn't be so attached, but I can't help it. I'm so sorry. I don't want to disappoint you. I try to be strong and brave, b-but I think I...I can't. All I want to do is cry. F-Forgive me for being weak and selfish. Please, please forgive me?"

She finished but continued to beg miserably for forgiveness. She was lying there with her eyes shut very tightly, as if she knew that if she opened them something would spill out. Her whole face scrunched in that pained way and her shoulders heaved. Her breath between her pleas came in frightful gasps. She seemed to be holding a battle with a ferocious need. She seemed to have lost. With a horrible shudder, she turned her head, burying it in her pillow and she cried.

Ginny's heart broke. It was horrible. It was almost too horrible to watch. And in that moment the horror of what was happening before her, made her forget the horror of her isolated pain.

"Oh Lily," she moaned, pulling her despairing child into her arms, "Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry. Oh God, just cry! I'm sorry."

Lily went willingly and she bawled into her mother's pretty black dress. Her mother held her almost too tightly and rocked her as the little girl shed tears into her bright red hair. She had failed at holding them back. They stayed that way for a long time. Ginny prayed to whatever God would listen as Lily cried heart wrenchingly and clung to her mother like a new-born.

"Oh darling, I miss him too," said Ginny at long last, "so much. And I will never stop, no matter how much it hurts; I will miss him terribly for every day of my life."

Lily sucked in a ragged breath, letting out in another horrible, gasping moan, and didn't move her face from her mother's shoulder. Her mum rubbed her back soothingly with her shaking hands.

"It is cruel that he can't be here. It's horrible. Life was never fair to him. It is nothing but cruel." Ginny paused to take a shaky breath. She saw the misery in Lily's tear-stained face and it inspired the words she had willed not to say.

"Your father was such a good man; he would tell me I should never hate. He was so good at loving. He didn't know how to hate. I...can't be like that." Her whole body shook and she could feel hot tears burning in the corners of her eyes.

"I hate that he had to go. I hate who took him. I hate so many things that don't deserve my hatred. I hate...because I loved. I am bad at love; I love too hard."

She wondered whether she should really tell these things to her eight-year old... then she looked at her sobbing child and thought about how not saying them made their family like their own separate islands floating in a sea of sadness, afraid to need. She didn't want that. Harry hadn't wanted that. All she had ever wanted was to protect them, her kids, from the pain she went through ever day. She should have realized there was no way she could keep that from them; it was inevitable, it was the cross they would all carry for the rest of their lives. She should have seen as well that the only thing she could do she had not. She could at least be there to help them move along with their un-healable wounds. She could cry over their scars and show them that their pain was anything but a waste. She had to go on. For them. For her. For everyone that could not.

"Lily...sometimes love can seem like a burden. When someone you love leaves you feel as if you might die yourself. Love has its price: it makes us hurt real easy. But what would it be like without love? It would be...empty. What's the point if you don't care?" She sniffed softly and smoothed back the hair that was sticking to Lily's wet face. Her crying was softer now. The worst part was gone. She had on a serious look that made her seem particularly tragic. You could never be too young for pain. But then again...you could never be too young for joy either.

"It's tempting to pretend like we don't care. That would take away all the hurt. But...the joy and beauty would go with it. Don't make the same mistakes I made. Cry all you want. It doesn't make you weak. It shows that you can miss a lot and that shows that you care. It will make the good times to come and passed even more worth it.

"And honey, you are strong and brave. Being brave isn't about not being afraid of anything. It means being able to admit when you are afraid and even still, judge that there is something else much more important than your fear. Being strong isn't about handling everything on your own. Strength means making yourself do the things that are hard...but not without help. Okay? Don't forget that. I will always be here to help you."

Lily choked and smiled sadly and managed to whisper, "I'll be here to help you too."

Once again, Ginny's heart broke, but for different reasons. She made herself continue as her voice became high and broken. "And your daddy...he'll help us too. Even from heaven, so far away, he will always watch over us. He will miss us, just as we miss him. You know that, don't you? He's our guardian angel."

At this Lily's face contorted into a silent sob that shook her whole body badly. She allowed herself to lean even more against her mother. She allowed herself to need again.

Ginny no longer needed her voice so it crumbled. She no longer thought that she should hide away her pain, so she let the tears flow.

They cried and cried for what felt like hours and thought about all the things they would never have a chance to do, all the joys they would never experience. Ginny thought about how her daughter would never get her father daughter dance at her wedding. Lily thought about how her mother would never get her golden anniversary. They cried for all the things that died before their time and they thought about what it must be like in that magical place over the rainbow and after the stars.

"He is beautiful, isn't he?" Harry was saying to his wife as he held his sleeping one-year old son, Sirius, in his arms. "Hello there. Hi! Your daddy loves you, you know that?"

Ginny laughed. They were sitting on the family guest bed in the burrow.

Ginny had James draped over her shoulder and was stroking Lily's hair as she slept between her and Harry. Her big pregnant belly poked out of her small night shirt. Her mother sat on a rocking chair nearby, also sleeping. She had tried to read her grandchildren a story, and put them all, including herself, to sleep.

"Honestly Harry, you're acting as if we just brought him home for the first time," Ginny joked.

Harry stopped cooing at his son for a moment to look mock reproachfully at his wife.

"Well, why shouldn't I? Any day could be the last, I always say. I better enjoy it."

She had stopped becoming alarmed when he said that. She just smiled and stated, "I love you!"

He grinned at her hugely after tearing his eyes away from his slumbering children.

"I love you more. No arguing! And that's how it's always gonna' be."

Always, she thought. Her pregnant state instantly sent her into a funny mood.

"Hey, Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"What happens if one of us leaves?"

He looked up, perplexed.

"What are you on about? I'll never leave you!" he exclaimed.

"No! I mean like if we die." She didn't bother feeling silly saying 'if' instead of 'when'.

"I knew what you meant. I'll just never leave you, either way." He shrugged, as if this were the simplest thing in the world.

Ginny's mood had her in tears and she choked, "Really?"

Harry smiled gently. He looked around the room. Mrs. Weasley was snoring obliviously in her rocking chair. He looked down at Lily's beautiful red hair fanned out over the bed and at little James's pudgy arms wrapped around his wife's neck. He shifted Sirius in his arms and smiled down at his unborn child before looking straight into her eyes.

"Really. How could I ever leave you? I love you too much. And that's the way it's always going to be."

The End