Severus' Halloween

~* Severus' Halloween *~

Down in the Great Hall everything was ready. All the decorations were in place:

colorful hovering ribbons, one thousand living bats and molded pumpkins filled with candles. The five tables were covered with food and, much for the enjoyment of Albus Dumbledore, with sweets: lots of candy, fruits and cakes. Everything was waiting for the arrival of the students and staff to celebrate Halloween. Every day at Hogwarts was a continuing headache for Professor Snape, the latest year in particular... ever since Potter had come to Hogwarts.

Snape was climbing the stairs from his dungeon, his black robes slapping against the old brick walls. The torches in the corridor made a hazy, fading light ahead. Reaching the first floor, he saw the final students entering the Great Hall for dinner.

Stupid first years that got lost as usual.

Snape was, also as usual, the last to come in, so he would have to be there the least amount of time required. He had taken his seat just as Dumbledore stood up to start the greeting and blessing.

Snape looked at the table in front of him: dishes of baked pumpkin, sweet drinks and very close to his left hand, a plate of doughnuts covered with sugar-glaze. He started to feel nauseated. For Snape, Halloween was a horrible excuse for a holiday. He would have enjoyed it so much better if he could be closed in his chamber, having a glass of Firewhisky and a good book to read. Just to be alone in the solitude of his quarters without all the noise, giggling and sickening happiness.

If they only knew what was happening in the world outside, it would wipe the smiles off their faces, he thought bitterly to himself.

He gazed at the students sitting at the four tables. The Slytherin table was much louder than the rest. Draco seemed to be the center of attention, he was talking quite enthusiastically and the listeners were laughing, accompanied by Goyle's snoring. Yes, Draco has grown to be like his father; a spoilt little brat that could do anything and get away with it, thanks to his position or a sack of Galleons. He was very popular with a stable and rich family, something that Snape never had.

His gaze moved forward very quickly over the tables of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, not feeling them worthy of any special attention. And from there he looked to the Gryffindor table. Among a sea of red-heads, far too many Weasleys... he thought, he located him, sitting next to that bushy haired girl- Potter.

Potter seems to be enjoying himself tonight. Never mind, he thought, I'll fix that tomorrow.

How annoying it was to see Potter there laughing with his little friends, a faithful sidekick and an insufferable know-it-all. So similar to his father James, from his black, wild hair to his arrogance. Then, suddenly, Harry was looking back at him. A pair of green eyes behind rounded black glasses.

Snape remembered those eyes well, only they hadn't looked at him with daring and hatred. Those eyes looked at him many years ago with caring and affection. So many years has gone by. And so many students he had taught over those years.

He remembered perfectly the day that the news came. It was his first year as potions master, six months after leaving the dark side and after Dumbledore had given him a second chance. But it didn't come without a price. He had to make amends by jeopardizing his life as a spy, not knowing if at any time it would be the end of him and his suffering.

It happened on a Halloween night many years ago. The news about the defeat of the Dark Lord had come right before the feast. Hearing the news, it was hard for him to believe and he wanted to speak to Albus, but he had left immediately when the news came. The details were unknown at the time and Minerva, the deputy headmistress, was gone as well.

The whole school was agitated. A flurry of hearsay immediately started. Students were screaming and hysterical. He had to control them all, gathering them in the Great Hall. Despite their fear from the news, they seemed to be afraid of him more and quieted instantaneously. Not too bad for a teacher of only two months, he smirked silently.

Back in the present, Harry had turned his gaze back to his friends and they were laughing again now. Dumbledore sat down and more nauseously sweet food appeared on the golden plates. Snape loaded his plate with steak and baked potato and ate slowly. The talking and giggling around him merged with sounds from his memories. He remembered when Albus and Minerva had returned and confirmed the news, the students started to celebrate and Halloween had become a victory feast. Ten minutes later when Albus joined the high table and told the staff the details, Halloween had become for Severus the most horrible day in the year.

Like a very bad joke, everyone was happily celebrating when not less then a few hours ago she had died. No, he corrected himself: she sacrificed her life for James' son.

He didn't recall how he was able to sit there the entire meal and act normal: eating, talking, even managing to sneer a few times. It was not until the banquet was over and he was back in his quarters that he collapsed, surrounded by overwhelming grief.

He had lost her twice. Once to Potter the day she married him and again, now, with her death. The first time, he told himself that she had made the right choice: He could never have given her what she wanted, what she needed.

He had too much darkness inside of him. At least she had been happy with that bloody prat, James. When she got married he was already a Death-Eater, relishing the darkness that spilled out of him. Even the Dark Lord noticed it and very quickly he was accepted within the inner circle, very close to the Dark Lord himself. Two days after she got married he received the Dark Mark. He often thought about the irony.

On a sunny day with church bells ringing, wearing a white wedding dress, she walked down the aisle and exchanged vows with Potter. And two days later in a glade, on a very cold night that not even the fire seemed to penetrate, he pulled up his left sleeve and presented his arm to the cold fingers of the Dark Lord. He tried not to give into the burning pain that symbolized his loyalty to his new master.

And he considered himself to be the lucky one...

And now he saw those eyes again. What a twisted fate. Handling James' part of young Potter was simple, even enjoyable - humiliating him, deducting points, and giving him punishments. The only things that spoiled his pleasure were those few weak moments when he thought of her and Harry's green eyes became hers, only humiliated and accusing. That is why he refused to think of her around Potter. All of his anger and vengeance were usually sufficient for keeping away any unnecessary expression of compassion...

"Severus, could you please make sure that no students sneak out of the castle tonight?" Albus had turned to him.

"Yes Headmaster," he replied. Grateful for an excuse, he left dinner and headed outside. If any student was stupid enough to leave the castle after hours he would surely catch them.

Outside it was cold and quiet, just what he needed. The grass rustled under his steps accompanied by the occasional sound of a snapping stick. From afar, the castle looked identical to how it had looked the first time he saw it. The wind played in his hair and whipped his robes around. With his sharp eyes he could see the beech tree on the edge of the lake.

It happened there, the day of their Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. It was probably his worst memory and he had a large variety to choose from. He called her a Mudblood. No, he had called her 'a filthy little Mudblood'. And he had never forgiven himself for that, but she had.

It had been a very ordinary autumnal day in their sixth year, and a very unfortunate one also. James had managed to catch him with his guard down and curse him. He wanted to fight back, but Sirius Black came from behind and with a lazy murmur of, "Expelliarmus", he took his wand leaving Snape completely helpless against Potter. Bleeding, wounded and furious he carried himself to the lake, wanting nothing more than to be left alone. He hoped no one would bother him until he recovered.

Washing his wound, he noticed a silhouette on the surface of the water. Lily.

Apparently she has heard what happened. She brought him a bowl of Murtlap essence and bandages. With a hint of tears in her eyes she tended his wounds. The feeble wind blew through the newly green leaves, dropping the old, yellow ones to the ground. One fell into her hair, he lifted a timid hand to pull it out and she smiled at him. It was probably the most beautiful smile anyone had ever bestowed upon him. Without scorn or disgust. Just a smile, like the sun, that unfroze the winter from the world. Lily. He always called her Lily. Only James used to call her Evans.

"Lily?"

"What is it, Severus?" she looked up from wrapping his bandage, still smiling.

"I believe I owe you an apology," he said embarrassed but determined.

"Hmm, what are you talking about?"

"The other day, what I said to you, after the DADA tests ..." he trailed off.

"Oh that," she said, looking up at him a bit more seriously. "Your apology is accepted. Actually, I had already forgiven you a long time ago."

He sat there on the grass near the lake and an angel wrapped his bleeding hand. He didn't deserve an angel, he deserved to be cursed, humiliated, and hurt.

"I am so sorry, I don't deserve th..." he said without thinking. After hearing what he had been about to say it was hard for him to fight the tears. Lily put down the bandages, leaned over and hugged him. Now the sun had a smell: a smell of flowers, murtlap, and moist grass.

On second thought, that day wasn't unfortunate at all, nor an ordinary one either.

A few months later, the fragrant sun named Lily added a taste. He wasn't very popular. Not with the boys and surely not with the girls. Not even with the Slytherins. But she was different. She saw who he really was. The part that was hiding inside of him, so deep and secure that he didn't

acknowledge it - the part which deserved to love and to be loved in return.

She was generous and caring. Giving him all the love he had not received in seventeen years. She was his friend when he was rejected, and sometimes the only person he talked to in days. Those precious moments that he shared with her, in their secret heaven, were the remedy to his agonized soul. Banished from the others, he spent his time sitting in the sun with her, adoring her copper curls. He thirstily drank in her image, not wanting to miss a second of their time together.

"Stop staring at me Severus." She laughed and threw a string of weed at him. Snape awoke from his reverie, gathered a massive pile of leaves and started to chase her. She ran lightly, as if wanted to get caught, so he caught her, scattering the fallen leaves everywhere.

He became intoxicated with the new feeling of her in his arms- soft and tender, her heart was pounding against him. "Kiss me" she whispered, inside her eyes he saw his reflection of himself, completely unrecognized.

How could he lose her to Potter? Those days he was on the highway to hell, and as it usually happens on highways, you get to your destination and fast.

He was living in hell. The hell that he created himself; he terrorized, tortured, killed, injured, and humiliated. Nothing that he would ever do could erase his past. No matter what Dumbledore said, some marks don't come off. He shook his left hand and felt something solid nearby.

Someone was breathing near him. He looked around but no one was there. Staring at the grass, he noticed some blades flattening as if they were being stepped on and he knew immediately who it was.

"Potter!" he thundered. The steps stopped.

"Mr. Potter, you have exactly five seconds to remove your invisibility cloak," He snapped. In front of him, he saw Harry pulling his cloak off, revealing himself.

"What are you doing outside in the middle of the night, Potter?" he glared at the boy.

"Sir, I forgot my broom in the Quidditch locker room and went to bring it back," he answered, gesturing to the broomstick in his hand.

Harry was shivering a bit, maybe from the cold, maybe from his hateful teacher. In the cold, windy night his green eyes twinkled. Like the stars, like Lily's.

"Go back to Gryffindor Tower, Potter."

Harry looked at Snape unbelievingly.

"NOW!"

"Yes, sir!" he said hurriedly and ran away confused.

He should never think about Lily when he was near Potter. Never!

~~* FIN *~~