My Immortal

My Immortal

It was a very hot day. It was the second summer in a row that London suffered a terrible heat wave. The previous year, it had been in July and this time it was in August. But it did not make the two summers alike. The man sitting on the floor alone in his room surely did not think that they were. Actually, they could not have been more different... At that simple though, he felt his body shaken by the familiar spasm. Not even trying to fight it, he slowly let himself slide onto the floor and curled into a ball.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

It had been nearly two months since that terrible night of June; two months since the members of the Order had made sure that Harry was on his way to his uncle and auntie's house; two months since everybody else had moved back into Grimmauld Place; two months that Remus Lupin spent every day in his room. No, it was not his room. It was ... his room.

He still could not bring himself to saying the name. He had tried, on his own, at night, when the room was in the darkness and the only light came from the loathed moon outside. He had tried several times, but it was as though thousands of tiny sharp blades cut through the flesh in his throat when he tried. So he had given up.

He did not need to talk anyway; he had made it clear to the others that he wanted to be left alone, and somehow no one had bothered him too much. Well, apart from Tonks, who felt compelled to talk about what had happened because she was a - though rejected - member of the Black Family. And Molly as well, but it was different with Molly. He had always liked her. Molly was a woman, not a girl. She was everybody else's mother and she looked after them all. True, she had more than often disagreed with ... with him, but Remus was sure that, somehow, despite the absence of words, she understood his pain.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

He let out a moan of agony, forced himself to sit up again and brought his legs closer to his torso, letting his head drop on his knees and his tears roll down his hollow cheeks.

They had fallen so hard for each other, back at Hogwarts when they were only teenagers, gone through so much together, and been torn apart the night James and Lily had died. Remus remembered all the late nights that his three fellow Gryffindor students had spent in the Common Room, buried in books, trying to learn how to become Animagi so they could be with him when he transformed, and somehow make it better.

If James and Peter had not always managed to make it for full moon, he had always been there. There had been very few occasions when he had not been there, and he had had a very good excuse every time - only very important things would have kept him away from Remus. That was until the fateful night of 1981...

Only very important things would have kept him away... he thought repeatedly.

Could death be called a 'very important thing'?

Remus moaned again and shut his eyes. He felt so guilty. They should have known. Harry was only a teenager, and he had had so much on his hands anyway. They should not have left Severus teach him Occlumency; he was bound not to take it too seriously. He had refused and argued so many times that there surely was someone else than Dumbledore or Snape who could teach Harry. But they had gone along with Snape, and Harry's visions had not improved. Well, they had, for the person who was slowly taking control of them, and finally lured Harry into the Ministry...

But he should not have come as well... Remus should have been stronger, and not succumbed to a few pleas, not even from him.

He would still be there if I had been stronger and forced him to stay...

Another long and loud moan came out, almost resembling a wolf's howl.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

"Hey Moony," said the all too familiar voice. "Why look so miserable?"

Remus did not reply and shifted his position so he would look out of the window.

"Moony, what's wrong? Not still going over it, are you?"

Remus squeezed his eyes tight and clasped his hands on his ears. There's no one here. There's no one here and you know it... He knew that he would not hear or feel anything if he did so; he could not be reached in his nutshell.

"Why do you do that?" the voice asked. It waited for a moment before it spoke again; waited for Remus to withdraw his hands from his ears. He did not, but the voice went on. "I've been to see him, you know. See how he was. Seemed OK... Well, at least better than you... Please, Moony, listen to me... Remus, listen to me!"

A second later, Remus felt a cold and strange sensation on both his shoulders, as though the skin there was slowly going numb. He shrieked and backed away until his back hit the cupboard and he could go no further.

You used to captivate me

By your resonating life

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

"Why do you do this to me? To us? Why did you go to see him?!" Remus suddenly shouted as he opened his eyes. His stomach immediately lurched.

He was standing in front of him, with a sad look on his face. No, it was not him; it was only his ghost... Made out of nothing, a simple greyish figure that Remus could not grab, let alone hold close or kiss the way he used to, and that was what hurt most.

"I have to... I had to stay to look after both of you. We've already talked about it."

"I know we have, but I still maintain what I have said all along; you shouldn't be here."

"It was my choice."

"Well then it was a stupid choice!" said Remus as he raised his voice. "You're not yourself anymore! Have you looked in a mirror recently? You're only a ghost, for Merlin's sake! There's nothing left of you; just some sort of envelop made out of greyish mist that looks like you, but that's all..."

At that point, Remus got up and walked away, up to the window and looked down the street. Good job he had managed to reach the end of his sentence, because his throat presently felt so tight that no sound could have come out, even if he had tried as hard as he could. The ghost remained where it had been floating, but slowly turned towards the man who had shared his life, when he was alive...

"Why are you so harsh? I thought you were happy that, somehow, I had been able to cling to the very last bit of life that was left, and come back as a ghost, so I could be with you, so we could still be together..."

"Together? What kind of 'together' is that?" Remus asked as he suddenly turned around. "A werewolf and a ghost! It was absurd enough already when you were a man who could change into a dog..."

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

"Don't you love me anymore, Moony?" the ghost asked, and Remus knew that, had he still been a man of flesh and blood, all colour would have left his face.

Remus chuckled, but it was more like a mix between a sob and his stomach lurching. He faced the window again and did his best to focus on the three children playing in the street below, while bringing one of his hands to his mouth and sinking his teeth into his skin to prevent any sound from coming out.

"Moony, please, I can't stand seeing you like this..." said the ghost as it floated towards Remus and did a gesture that was as close as possible to patting his back.

"Don't touch me!" Remus shrieked again. "I can't stand it when you touch me, because you precisely don't touch me! It's not your warm hands that I can feel on my body, but a weird cold sensation that I hate!"

"Alright, I won't do it anymore, I'm sorry..." it said while slowly floating away from Remus. "But you didn't answer my question, Moony. Don't you love me anymore...?"

"I always knew that there were certain things you could not really understand, but I never thought this would be one of them..." Remus paused and shook his head as he looked down. "Of course I still love you. I always will, and nothing will ever change that, not even death," he said in a whisper as a tear fell down his cheek.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

"Then why do you want me to go?"

Remus chuckled once again, but this time a weak smile stretched his lips. He had always hated the way Sirius had to keep asking questions when it was obvious that he should just shut his mouth and content himself with what he had been told. He sighed, walked over to the bed and sat on it. The ghost floated next to him and stopped in a sitting position above the bed, so he would be at Remus' level.

"I don't want you to go... But the truth, the horrible truth is that you've ... you've already gone..."

"No I haven't, I'm still here! I see you, I saw Harry --" He stopped short when Remus threw him very dark looks.

"Why did you do that?" the man suddenly barked. "Why did you have to go and trouble the poor boy? Was that one of your other grand ideas?"

"You didn't let me finish my sentence... I saw him, but I didn't let him see me. I didn't want him to know that I was still around. Not yet..."

"That's what you don't get, my dear Padfoot..." said Remus with a tender smile. "You have the feeling that you're still here, but for us it's completely different... I'm sorry to say this, but you're nothing more than the ghosts at Hogwarts, and you know yourself all too well that they are not of much use to humans..."

Remus felt his stomach lurching once more. How could he say this? Yes, it was the truth, but it was not exactly a nice thing to hear. Not a nice thing to tell your dead lover... He can't be hurt, he's ... just a ghost... he repeated several times in his head.

"What are you thinking about?" the ghost asked him.

Remus rolled his eyes, mainly to try to stop the tears that were flooding them. "That I love you, so much... But for the sake of you, me, and Harry too, you should not have come back. I know what you're going to say, but listen to this," he said as he looked straight at the ghost. "Seeing you fall through that arch and behind that veil back in June was one of the worst things I ever experienced, and the same thing applies to Harry. You said he seemed to be OK when you went to see him... That was probably because, for the last two months, he has slowly managed to get round the idea that you were not there anymore. Not that he has forgotten you, of course, but just admitted the truth. But me..." he said much more quietly as he lowered his head again, "I've seen your ghost come back and it has been a shock nearly just as bad as the initial one... I cannot go on like this, keeping this secret. I would rather not have you at all and only live with the memory of you, than have you like ... like this..." He hid his face in his hands. "I'm sorry for being so honest, but we always were with each other, weren't we?"

A silence followed. Remus looked up and slightly gasped. He was on his own. There was no one else but him in the room. He shook his head and buried his face back in his hands.

"Weren't we?" he repeated in a murmur.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

When he dared to look up again, dreading what he would or would not see, he literally gasped and gave a jump. He was there, right next to him. Not merely a ghost anymore, but a man of flesh, blood, and weight, who was clearly sitting on the bed next to him. He looked almost as puzzled as Remus did.

He stared at his hands for a few seconds and then looked up again. "I suppose my wish has been granted, then," he said, a smile stretching his lips.

"Wh-- What wish? What are you talking about?" Remus mumbled.

"I guess that what you said all this time has finally 'sunk in'. I made a pact with whatever power is governing all this. Deep down the furthest corner of my soul, I said that I would go and finally leave you in peace, if I could just do one more thing..."

"Do what?"

"This."

He held out his hand and touched the other man's face with the tip of his fingers, feeling Remus shiver as he did so. Then he brought his other hand and ran it through the grey and dirty blond hair, the way he had done so many times. Then he let go of the beloved face for a moment to grab Remus by the shoulders and pull him closer. His hands soon returned to the face and framed it as he leaned over and softly planted his lips on Remus' ones. He felt the other man's whole body clearly shiver at that point, and it only made him want to do more. Not moving his hands away from Remus' cheeks, he pressed his lips harder and forced Remus to open his, letting his soft tongue slide into the mouth that was by then greedily welcoming him in. He slowly moved his hands away and encircled Remus' frail body with his arms, pulling him close. Remus responded and did the same, letting his hands wander over his back. They kissed for a long time, deeply and tenderly, and to both of them it seemed as thought time had stopped and given them the opportunity to be together again, forever.

When he withdrew his lips and opened his eyes again, he saw that tears were silently rolling down Remus' cheeks.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

"Don't cry, Moony," he said as he pulled Remus closer. "I'm sorry I screwed up so badly... We could have been happy together. We would have waited for my name to be cleared, and then we would have been free. Free to do whatever or go wherever we fancied. Free to look after Harry the way James and Lily wanted us to... You have to do it on your own now. You are the last real Marauder left, Moony. I appoint you his godfather now; I know James won't mind and Harry will understand. But don't tell him about this. He probably wouldn't understand why I didn't choose him to see me last. Maybe one day you will able to tell him about us, if you want to..."

He framed Remus' face again and planted a soft and tender kiss on the man's forehead, before pulling him close and wrapping him in his arms. When he finally let go of the embrace, Remus looked up, his eyes still full of tears.

"Thank you for this wish. I think it might make things easier for me, now."

"You were right; this is probably for the best. I mean, age doesn't seem to suit me, so you're surely better off with the memory of a young and handsome me, back in Hogwarts! And please, no more mourning on your own in this room..."

Remus chuckled. "No," he said as a very weak smile stretched his lips, "I will imprint the memory of the way you are right now into my mind."

"Well, I personally think you should go for me when I was 17 or so, but it's your choice. Goodbye, Moony," he said as he reached for the other man's hand. "I love you, Remus. I know you won't forget me, but you have to move on. And don't worry, I'll still watch over you from wherever I am..."

"I love you too, Sirius..."

The name had come out so easily this time that Remus wondered why it had taken him so long. Would he ever be able to say it so easily again? He was not sure, but he would try.

He stared at his hands for a second, and when he looked up again, his lover had finally turned into nothingness.

"Goodbye, Sirius," he murmured before getting up and staring at the room around him.

It was a mess and it needed a makeover. Not to get rid of Sirius' memory - there were so few things that had actually belonged to him anyway - but in order to do what he had said: to move on.

Remus walked up to the door, paused for a second as his hand landed on the doorknob and turned around again. Once again, he stared at the bed, the cupboard, the small desk by the window and the chair that made up the furniture in the room. There was nothing else but him. There had been nothing or no one else for the last two months... Somewhere deep down, he had known it all along, but right now, it felt as though he had suddenly woken up from a very long dream.

"I've been in here for too long," he sighed. "Look what it did to you..."

No, he had to stop doing this. The first thing to do was to get out of this room. Maybe never come back. He needed to see someone... Molly, or maybe even Harry. He surely would not talk about this to anyone, but he needed to be in contact with someone; someone real this time. He could not allow himself to go mental. Not now; not ever.

He withdrew his eyes from the room, mentally saying goodbye to Sirius one more time; one last time. Could he really do this so easily, when he had been locked in this room for nearly two months? He slightly chuckled. He had to. Sirius had asked him to, and there was nothing he would not do for him...

~ FINITE INCANTATUM ~