Confessions

December 4, 1994

Dear Diary,

I've never kept a diary before; I don't suppose I had the time with my studies and all of that. I now feel compelled to write down my thoughts since all of my friends only succeed in confusing me more. I broke up with Ron about two months ago. We had gone out for seven months before I broke it off. He was crushed, and I was upset that I had to end it. It was for the best; we fought constantly, and he had been increasingly mean to me as the days had worn on.

Dumbledore had had it in his mind to have a dance before each Quidditch game as motivation for the players and the school to come out and support them. At the dance, three days before I broke up with him, I realized that I just didn't feel the same way about him anymore, and I even danced with someone he hated; Draco.

It wasn't long after our break up that I began to flirt with other guys. I guess it was my way of filling the hole that Ron had once filled. Soon after that, I realized that I had feelings for Draco, and not the platonic ones I once believed were there. He flirted back, but everyone told me that he didn't like me. One day, he held me and I knew he liked me, too. A few days later, he asked me out, and I made a hard decision and said yes. I requested that we keep our relationship low-key since it had only been two weeks sine I had broken up with Ron.

We were able to keep things quiet for about five days. One day before dinner, Ron stormed up to me and said, "You've been going out with Malfoy since Tuesday?!?" I didn't know how to respond. The following week was hell for me. Everyone found out, and a lot of people were not pleased with my hasty recovery. Ron wouldn't speak to me, but when he did, he made a scene during class. About two weeks later, Ron and I had a long talk, and we finally reached a point of closure.

For several weeks, Draco made me so very happy. It was amazing to me that he could care for me. I was so used to only having Ron. Draco made me feel like I was special again; I thought I had left that with Ron. We made out and I was sure of his feelings for me, I mean, that's why he was such a great kisser right? He was always there, and he owled me at night. As the weeks went by, he owled me less and less.

After Draco and I had been dating for a month, he still hadn't told his mother about me; his father was no longer an issue. I figured that it was okay, but then I thought that it may have been that he didn't think we would last long enough to tell her. After all, his past relationships hadn't been very long; Pansy was more of an easy make-out partner than anything to him. I decided I was being silly, and let it go.

Another week went by, and during it, Ron told me he was going to tell Padma how he felt. He liked her because she had talked to him and comforted him after our break up. Padma is also one of the hottest girls in our class, and Ron knew it. She is one of my close friends, and I told her what Ron was going to do. She was upset because she didn't feel the same way and didn't want to hurt him. I managed to talk Ron out of telling her, but that didn't change how he felt.

Every time he'd mention her and how much he liked her, my heart wrenched. I ignored it at first, thinking it was jealousy left over from our relationship. I began to look at Draco differently. He started to treat me as less than he was, and being mean in general. I talked to a bunch of my friends about my feelings.

Jamil was my first choice. He's a sixth year and Lavender's boyfriend; we've adopted each other as siblings. He always liked Ron, and encouraged me to end it with Draco. Then, I talked to Seamus and Neville. Seamus had grown up with Draco before his parents realized what Lucius was really up to. He told me that he knew that Draco would've treated me this way; he had acted this way since before he could remember. Neville agreed, and said that he had noticed Draco's change in attitude towards me. Draco, Neville said, seemed to only know how to kiss me, but was oblivious to the other parts of having a girlfriend.

Hogwarts' drama club put on a play the past two nights, and I was an understudy along with Luna. Both Ron and Draco came last night. Ron sat with one arm around Katie and the other around Parvati; that action tugged at my heart, even though I know neither is interested in Ron. Draco's mother found out about us from Luna and Seamus' mothers. Ron talked to my parents and hugged me several times during the evening.

And that brings me to today. I have no idea what to do. If you turn out to be an enchanted diary and can tell me what to do, I'd appreciate it! I'll write again as soon as anything develops.

Love,

Hermione