More Confessions

December 8, 1994

Dear Diary,

Well, I did it. I broke up with Draco. At lunch today I started to talk to him and I told him that our relationship wasn't working out for me anymore. He said, "You've got to be shitting me." Not exactly the most eloquent of responses, but I got the point. I explained that I felt like he was treating me inferior to him and that he was just downright mean sometimes. When he didn't say anything, I snuggled into him. We sat there for a long time, and then he whispered, "You are a beautiful person, and you mean so much to me. I'm really sorry if I made you feel inferior because you're not." I lost it, and started to sob quietly. He could be so sweet; it hurt me to have to break it off. I leaned up and snuggled into his neck to give him a hug. He leaned down and kissed me. I love his kisses. But I whispered into his ear that I thought that we should just be friends, and I care for him deeply, but I couldn't date him anymore.

Katie told me today that she had even heard that Draco may have cheated on me, but outside of school! Ron had told me that Draco would cheat on me, but I figured that was juts his ex-boyfriendness rearing its ugly head.

But now I'm faced with a harder dilemma. I think that I'm still in love with Ron. It's almost like I can't help it. I thought I had moved on, but everything goes back to him. I can't stand the thought of him with Padma, or even liking her. It's a possessiveness that I thought would go away after dating Draco. But I don't feel that way, at least not the extent I do with Ron yet.

Maybe I feel more than just friendship. So many people have told me how good Ron and I were together, and Jamil wants me to get back with him. A lot of my other friends tell me they'll kill me if I get back with Ron. So, as you can see, I'm torn. Ron's told me that he's moved on even though he knows he has no chance with Padma. You still have the chance to prove that you are enchanted-I hope you are!

Love,

Hermione

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December 13, 1994

Dear Diary,

I think I have found some sense. My original plan to not date anyone and be single for a month is harder than expected. Why? Because I think I have found that I am in love with Ron, and always have been. But, of course, there is another issue; Ron loves being single, especially because of a certain seventh-year who, even though she has a boyfriend (so what is he graduated last year?), loves to flirt with younger guys. I want to punch Ron in the head. Can't he see that she's using him for attention??? Oy.

There is one person who is very important in my life who I have not mentioned as an active participant in this whole saga; Harry. Harry has been absent because he decided, until recently, to not give me an opinion, which made me quite furious, causing his name to be left out. I now realize that he helped me to make my own decisions, rather than the rest of my friends who were very vocal with their personal opinions about my situation. He has been a great listener, and I really appreciate him standing by me.

Another item I've had to deal with is Draco's friendship. First, he hates me. The next, he is totally flirting with me and wants me to be his girlfriend. He mentioned something during our relationship about being blinded by his father, but I don't know if that was fully the case. Draco is a decent, caring guy underneath, but a part of me thinks that he was too afraid of being someone different than the Draco everyone perceived, hence his meanness to me. It may have been his way to remain as part of the old him as he tried to adapt to the new. I don't think he realized that that was one of the things that should have been left in the old!

Today, Ron hugged me for a long time and kissed me on the cheek. He told me that he was sorry and that he was still confused. I want to know confused how? Because he knows he's in love with me but would rather not be tied down again? Because he doesn't love me but wishes he had a girlfriend again? Or because he believes that there could be an option in his precious seventh year. It makes me confused! I'm just hoping that I could get some real answers soon. Ron further confused me by hugging me, for a long time, twice more, and kissing me on the cheek both times.

I better get some closure soon or I'm going to go insane. It's very difficult to go from school where I know all of the answers, to my social life where there is no book written where I can research what to do! It is as if I've been plunged into some universe where I am no longer in control; with school, everything's black and white, and I am in control.