Harry, Just Harry

The world is black

Hearts are cold

And there's no hope

That's what we're told...

~The World is black

Good Charlotte~

Harry was back at the hell hole he called home. He knew what he was in for. He deserved it...well in his head he did. He ruined his Aunt and Uncle's perfectly normal life. It was the least he could do to let them beat him up a little, besides he was immune to pain now, maybe they knew that, that would be what would happen . He knew that that's what they did but he learned a long, long time ago that he deserved it. Pain was something he was used to he just didn't feel right without it. That's why every night at school he snuck off to a special room that gave him scissors and razors and box cutters; anything he could use to inflict pain upon himself. It didn't work right any more. He could do whatever he wanted to his arm but all it did was scar. Or maybe he was too distracted on not getting caught that he just didn't feel it.

He threw out his short-sleeve shirts a very long time ago. He changed privately too...but he knew that his friends felt something odd about him. He knew that Ron and the other boys talked about him...but it was in a kind of good way. They knew what was coming and they admitted that it would happen sooner or later. He didn't care.

Harry James Potter was NEVER innocent. He knew that. They knew he wanted to die if only to stop bothering people. They also knew he had come very close to a few over doses a year. They kept it to themselves. No one out of the very exclusive group knew.

Dudley was home. Harry was his favorite. You pick which one though; favorite punching bag, favorite rape victim, or favorite (and only) cousin. Harry knew that he was mostly his favorite rape victim...only because he didn't scream or cry...and he was family. He would rape his MOM if he could. Harry knew that it was time to go to the shed. No more details shall be given.

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"Harry, would you like to go with me and my friends to tea?"

"Sure he would," Harry would like anything more than going to 'tea' with Dudley's gang. But he would go anyway. Since Uncle Vernon said so.

"Of course Dudley, I would love to go," he managed to choke out. All he really wanted to do was inflict pain on himself. The Dursleys had been going too easy on him, he hated that. He knew that they were going easy on him because of mad-eye Moody but he was just happy that tomorrow was the trip back to Hogwarts and he needed to be awake for when he messed up a wolfs bane potion and drank it all to see its "affects" on a non-werewolf body. He hoped it would kill him; one less summer the Dursleys would have to live with him.

It was his time. He wanted to leave this world for the best of others. One less freak. One less Half-Blood. One less idiot.

Sure Ron and Hermione would miss him but so what? He didn't deserve their friendship and they hadn't done anything horrible enough to deserve his. He was just a waste of time an idiot a shmuck. He didn't deserve to have a great god-father like he had had. He didn't deserve anything he had.

He knew he didn't deserve life...but every time he was going to do it someone was with him. No one noticed anything strange about Harry until third year. They didn't notice that in the first year he had stared out of the window in their dormitory or in the Common room. But when he was missing during the night time more and more, they knew something was up. His dorm mates didn't even notice until they heard some seventh years talking about how in the middle of the night the portrait hole would open and then close within a minute. But no one was ever there. It would happen every night. The only days they didn't hear any talk about the portrait hole was when Harry was the first one asleep. Ron tried to talk to him but Harry kept on changing the topic. After that year no one brought it up again. He got quieter and more reserved. In a second he could go from half asleep to smiling his face off. He wasn't normal. No matter where he went, he just didn't fit in.

He just wanted to be Harry, just Harry.