A Lifetime of Side Kicking

"I was wondering what my friendship means today. I know I come second after Ron, I always will and that if either of them made a choice I would come out worst. Is it so selfish, to want that little bit more, a little bit extra than I already have? Harry has Ron to make up for the family and love he missed out on and Ron has Harry for the attention and friendship he craves. They both have the full me; there is no one that I have to be shared with. If only I had the whole them for a day, if only I came first. If it's so very wrong then why can't I help it, why cant I stop craving the little things."

Hermione Granger to her parents at the end of her fifth year.

~*~

Hermione awoke with the backache that confirmed her fears. It was going to be a hell of a period. Groaning she sat up, and heaved herself out of bed. She needed some of Madame Pomfreys pain relief potion.

Pulling on her dressing gown she picked Crookshanks up for added warmth, and climbed down the stairs to the common room. The grinding pain made her long to sit down, but she knew it was a baited temptation; sitting would only make it worse.

Harry and Ron were, for some reason, already down there. They sat bent over a piece of parchment and laughing, and stiffened as she walked over.

"Hi Hermione, what are you doing up this early?" Ron asked, his ears already starting to glow.

"I'm going to the Hospital Wing, I don't feel too good," she replied flatly. She knew the drill; it was like all the other times she'd found them alone together.

~*~

Harry elbowed Ron as Hermione walked over to them; Ron struggled to straighten his face.

"What's up?" she asked them lightly, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter. So was there a particular reason you came down?" Harry asked. He smiled, but his eyes showed impatience.

"No, I'm fine, I think I'll head back to bed," she replied quietly and turned away from them, hiding the tears that had started to trace their way down her flushed cheeks. She knew they weren't leaving her out on purpose; there were just some things you didn't discuss with the 'good girl'.

~*~

"I'll see you two at breakfast then?" she asked Harry shot Ron an exasperated look

"We're going to go down to the quiditch pitch, get some practice in," he told her smoothly as Ron nodded.

"Ok, well I could-" Hermione started but Ron cut her off,

"Don't worry about it, it'll be boring for you, we'll see you back here this afternoon."

Hermione nodded and walked away. As the Fat Lady swung behind her she heard relieved sighs and giggling, and her heart clenched. Had it been a couple of years ago she would have been there, giggling with them about whatever it was they were so excited about. They wouldn't have left her out like this.

Crookshanks purred as Hermione scratched him, wondering what they were up to this time. She shook her head sadly, and continued on her way. It didn't do to mull over things you didn't understand, but she was sure that something had happened in the summer holidays; something she wasn't there for, and Harry obviously felt bitter about it. Or even Ron. What was pushing closer to each other and further from her. There were times that Harry would give her such a blank, emotionless stare that she felt she was staring at one of the poor souls who had received the dementors kiss. Something had died in him with Sirius and it was something she couldn't begin to understand.

~*~

Harry glared at her. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! This isn't like Cho, you can't just wave your wand in the air and make me feel better. Someone still hung up on their dead boyfriend hasn't dumped me. I HAVE BEEN LEFT WITH NOTHING! He has taken it all from me. My parents and now Sirius."

He fell to the floor sobbing, violent sobs that contorted his body and made him thrash out. Hermione bent down to touch his shoulder, but he lashed out striking her hard in the face, knocking her back.

~*~

Madame Pomfrey had handed over a small bottle of the potion, enough for a few days spent pain free. She then asked if everything was alright. Hermione just nodded and left, the small bottle already a quarter empty tucked in her robes.

As the door to the hospital wing closed behind her she sighed and closed her eyes for a couple of seconds. Everything was not all right, but she had no desier to share her thoughs with Madame Pomfrey. She fought back the tears. She wanted things to be as before. She wanted Harry and Ron there, with her. She didn't know the distant figures they had become, and it scared her.

She returned to the common room, and changed into a pair of loose fitting jogging bottoms and a t-shirt, prepared for a day of moping. This happened every month, and by now the other girls had stopped asking if they could do anything to make her more comfortable. They just left her to her thoughts. Only Ginny came in today; she poked her head round the dour and smiled at Hermione.

"Have you seen Harry and Ron, I tried the quiditch pitch but they aren't there?" she asked,

Hermione shook her head and buried herself deeper under her sheets as she heard the door softly click shut as Ginny left. Where were her two boys, the boys who were like brothers to her? What did they hide? Sighing she turned over, and remembered other times they had done this. There weren't many, and they had only started at the end of their fifth year. After the death of Sirius. And it wasn't only Harry who was acting oddly; the pressure of his family being in the order was affecting Ron. Sometimes when he was speaking he would stop suddenly mid sentence, and stare out into the distance. Sometimes she heard him telling Harry about how he felt his heart would break, simply from the strain, and Hermione was finding it hard to bear. Her own head would spin, as she thought of how close they had all become, and the things they were yet to face. Sometimes she wished she had been sorted into a different house, to save herself from the heartbreak. Sometimes she wished that she could let go of the earth and float up to the sky, leaving it all behind. And these thoughts scared her.

~*~

Luna glanced at Hermione; her usual dreamy gaze was stony.

"Hermione listen to me," she started, "You are not to blame, there are enough people blaming themselves for his death without you jumping on the band wagon. You couldn't have done anything."

Hermione nodded; the shock had left her numb. Sitting in the hospital bed, learning about his death from Luna and relief that Harry and Ron were ok had taken its toll.

Luna was watching her, and continued, "Harry needs you to be strong, Hermione. He needs you to be there for him, he may push you away but he needs you."

Hermione nodded again, as the thin layer of ice that had settled round her heart thawed slightly. She resolved to be there for him, wether he wanted her or not. "I'm going to fall, Luna, you may think I'm strong enough but this is eating away at me. I cant go on like this, not now, not when we're all still so young, I cant be used as a support my entire life."

~*~

Hermione awoke as the sun streamed through the windows striking her face. Crookshanks was nowhere to be seen, so she assumed that he had wandered off somewhere. The pain had subsided, and she felt refreshed from her sleep. Luna's words remained in her head.

"Harry needs you, Hermione," she repeated softly. She got out of bed and pulled on some shoes. She wasn't going to mope all day when the weather was so great.

Neville caught up with her in the common room. "Hermione, what was the essay for potions about again?" he asked

Hermione smiled at him. "How many different spells can be used with a drip of the freeze dry potion."

~*~

Neville looked up at Hermione, gratitude in his eyes. "I never would have gotten such good marks if it wasn't for you, Hermione," he told her.

Hermione grinned, and pocketed her own essay; yet another top mark. Neville's meant more though, they always meant more.

"I don't know what I would have done, Gran is so disappointed when I fail. You're a star, do the others tell you that?"

Hermione frowned and shook her head they tended not too. "Well you are, I don't know what I'd do without your support."

~*~

Neville thanked her, and Hermione continued on her way. They had gradually grown closer over the years. Hermione was always there to help him, almost like an extra pair of mothering hands helping him along. Sometimes she confided in him when things got really hard, like when neither Harry nor Ron would talk to her. At those times both Neville and Hagrid had been good friends. Hermione smiled fondly at the thought of Hagrid. Sometimes he acted quite thoughtlessly, but his heart was always in the right place.

Hermione reached the school grounds, and stared around for the familiar splash of ginger and black. She stopped by the lake and smiled, the squid had surfaced and was sunning itself near the far bank. Then she sawRon and Harry, who were basking in the glorious sunlight under tree a little way away.

"Hey, Hermione!" Ron called and ran over to her. He put his arm round her shoulders and grinned at her. "Come and settle this argument. Who do you like more, me or Harry?"

~*~

"Ron, I keep telling you, I don't have a favourite," Hermione insisted holding Ron's hand in hers.

"You must have, everyone else does. It's always Harry, never me," he replied sulkily.

"Ron that's a stupid thing to say! Who would your mum pick, hey? You, your dad or the others? It may seem that Harry has everything, but he doesn't. He didn't ask for the fame or attention, he'd swap it all to have a piece of what you've got," she told him,

"What's that? A falling down house, a fistful of brothers and sisters all achieving better things than you?"

Hermione sighed and rubbed his hand. "That's exactly what he wants, Ron. He just wants love, and it's up to us to give it to him, from me more so than you maybe, because you're his best friend, but he needs it all the same."

~*~

Hermione feigned thoughtfulness

"Definitely Harry, you're far too tall," She teased.

Ron punched her playfully. "Come on Hermione, I rely on you way more than Harry."

Ron. The thoughts that had been plaguing her all day evaporated. Harry and Ron shared her, she might not come first to them but they didn't get her to themselves. Harry would always have her friendship and her love, but Ron, he was a different matter. Ron needed something more that only she could give right now. He needed to be number one.

"Well, I like you in different ways. Harry's like a brother. You aren't, you're more...I don't know, but I do know that you need me as much as I need you, and you have to learn to share. There's only so much support one Hermione Granger can give."

~*~

I had a great week, mum. I can't describe it, just a complete sense of being a key figure. I make an impact with what I do and don't do. I don't do much, but I'm there for those who do. I guide them, mum. I also learnt that memories are good too. I remembered a lot about myself and the others, if only we could bottle it, sell it so that other people could look to their memories for healing. Oh, and before I go, Ron's coming over during the summer holidays. Things are looking up there too, but more about that in my next letter. I have to go and finish an essay, I'll write to you soon; please give my love to Dad.

Hermione

P.S I love you mum, remember that always.