Not Anymore

I didn't forget that today is your birthday. I promise I didn't. How could I forget?

No matter how hard I try, I can't forget you.

I tried walking away. I tried to ignore your face in my dreams. I tried to move on with my life.

I tried not to wonder if I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting you go.

I wonder how I ever made it through a day
How did I settle for a world in shades of gray
When you go in circles all the scenery looks the same
And you don't know why and I looked into your eyes
Where the world stretched out in front of me and I realized

I realized after you left how much I would miss you. Even though you treated me like I didn't matter, I knew I did. Even though you told me you didn't need me, I knew you did.

Why did I walk away? Why did I let you go?

I remember what I said to you before I turned my back.

"When you're ready to admit that you're afraid, let me know."

I didn't tell you, but the truth was that I was afraid. I was the one who was scared to death.

I just didn't want to admit it.

What if I had admitted it? What would have changed? Would anything have changed?

You still would have gone to war. You still would have fought against Voldemort. You still would have done your best.

But I would have been there, fighting beside you, fighting with you.

Even if the worst had happened, we would have faced it together.

I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived, before your love

I still have that picture of us. I keep it on my bedside table. Do you ever look at it and remember? We used to be so happy, so in love. You held my heart in your hands, and I trusted that you would keep it safe, that you would cherish it. But you pushed me away, and I let you do it.

I should have stayed strong. I should have stuck with you. I should have pulled when you pushed.

I should have done so many things differently, but I didn't.

I gave up. I gave in.

I regret it more than you'll ever know.

I wanted more than just an ordinary life
All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky
I stand before you and my heart is in your hands
And I don't know how I survived without your kiss
'Cause you've given me a reason to exist

You were the fulfillment of everything I'd ever dreamed of. The day you kissed me for the first time was the happiest day of my life.

The day I kissed you for the last time was the saddest day of my life.

I loved you from the moment I first saw you, and I'll love you until the day I die.

You once told me that we were like pieces of a puzzle - we fit together perfectly. I believed you then, and I believe you still. You're my soul mate, my kindred spirit, the one who completes me. You always were, and you always will be.

If only I could tell you.

I should have told you then.

I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived, before your love

There are so many things I want to say to you.

I love you. I'm sorry. Forgive me.

There are so many things I want to say, but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance.

Who should make the first move? Who should take the first step?

There are so many things I want to ask myself.

Why did I leave? What was I so afraid of? Why did I give up so easily?

There are so many things I want to ask, but sometimes admitting the truth in your own heart is harder than speaking the words out loud.

And I don't know why
Why the sun decides to shine
But you breathed your love into me just in time

You saved my life more times that I can count. Maybe not so many times in the physical sense, but emotionally, mentally... you were my hero, my savior. I loved you so much.

Maybe too much.

Was that the problem? Did I love you too much? Did I hold on too tightly? Was I too afraid of losing you that I sabotaged my own happiness?

It's hard to admit, but it's true. It's so true.

What if I never get to tell you? What if I live my whole life without telling you the truth?

I was afraid, but I'm not anymore.

I'm not afraid of what will come - I know we can face it together.

I'm not afraid of losing my heart - it's already gone.

I love you.

Forgive me.

I can't live without you.

I never lived before your love
I never felt before your touch
I never needed anyone to make me feel alive
But then again, I wasn't really living
I never lived, before your love

I'm not afraid, and I'm letting you know.

I'm here.