Deeper Still

Deeper Still

I honestly believe that I have spent half of this year in tears. Me, 17 year old Hermione Granger, crying again and again and again over Ronald Weasley. Fair enough, I've also screamed at him, shouted, attacked him with canaries for Merlin's sake, and yet I can't ever seem to move past him.

So many tears I've cried over you, Ron Weasley.

In the tears you gave to me

I found a river to an ocean

Concrete sky, and a stone cold sea,

I came to where the emptiness cracked open

And now here I am, wandering the shadowy halls, everything dark and grey and empty. There's no life around, no colour or joy to be found, just me, in the darkness and alone, with only my memories and fear for company.

I haven't spoken to him for months, except for the odd catty remark. It seems so petty now, everything considered. I could have lost him, and I came so close to doing so. When I heard, I ran faster than I ever have done in my life and my heart was beating faster than I have ever known. For the first time in my life, I cursed my brain for its thoughts and its practicalities. I ran faster still to give me less time to think. I couldn't afford to think, it would have made me break down.

I was on the verge of losing something, of losing someone, so close to my heart it hurt.

I was afraid. I was afraid of losing him, and I was afraid that he'd never hear the words I longed to tell him.

"I'm sorry."

In that split second, when the heart of mine that he's broken over and over again stood still, I forgave him for Lavender and for all the pain he's caused me. I found suddenly that I really could forgive Ron Weasley that one last time.

All my fears came crashing through

And met the fire of my sorrow

But I found my strength in forgiving you

I never even dreamed how far my heart could go

When I was up in the Hospital Wing earlier, I couldn't bring myself to say anything for so long. I just watched his white face and as I watched his chest slowly moving up and down, I thanked God for each and every breath, and for each second Ron was still alive.

And then, just after I'd thought I'd built up the courage to join in the conversation, he spoke. He spoke to me.

"Er-my-knee."

I stared and stared at his lifeless face. And somewhere inside I felt something stir, a happiness, a relief that I'd had the strength to forgive him just one final time. Even when I'd thought there was no way back to where we once had been, I'd found it within myself to trust again.

To give my life beyond each death

From a deeper well of trust

To know that when there's nothing left

You will always have what you gave to love

I can't quite believe I'm doing this. Me, Hermione Granger, age 17, Prefect, hopeful candidate for Head Girl, wandering the halls of Hogwarts at night to visit Ronald Weasley. It's like a scene out of some cheesy yet satisfying romance novel. But with me and Ron, it's never romantic in the traditional sense. There's no hearts and flowers. We just scream and shout and yell and stuff. But then again, love is messy and complicated. I'd never try to understand it, but I'm not foolish or naïve enough to believe that it's all just holding hands, watching the sun set as the birds sing sweetly overhead.

It's doing things you never thought you'd do, taking risks you never thought you'd ever take, just for that one person.

Which brings me back to why I'm wandering Hogwarts by night. Hell, I'm risking my Prefectship here, and I'm risking it for, above all things, Ron Weasley! I've risked my life for Harry before, and would willingly do so again, because he needs me to. And I'm happy to do it. But Ron? He won't even know I'm there. What's to be gained by risking so much?

Just as long as I know he's there, breathing, alive, beside me, I will be content. I know that however much I give for Ron, he'd willingly return it, a hundred times through. Don't ask me how I know. I just know.

In this life the love you give

Comes back around to be your treasure

What you lose will be what you win

A well that echoes too deep to measure

And now I'm here. My heart's beating again. I cast my charm to unlock the door, open it silently and I'm standing in the moonlit Hospital Wing. And there he is.

Still lying there like a ghost. I go to stand beside him, and my hand finds his, lying above his bedcover. I'm still afraid. I'm terrified that when those eyelids open, the bright blue eyes behind it won't sparkle anymore, that they'll lose the old life they used to have within them. But something is giving me courage. Something is telling me that I won't regret giving him this one, last, final shot. For me, he's worth it. I don't expect anyone else to understand. I have to try again. I can't give up. Not ever.

So much I've given for you, Ron Weasley. Tears, screams, shouts. My heart. Will you do the same for me? I've given you everything and now all I have left is the hope and trust that you'll return it. I'm risking so much more than Prefectship here; I'm risking everything I've got.

"Er-my-knee..."

"I'm here, Ron," I whisper into the silence. "I'll always be here."

And I know I will. I know if I keep holding on, I'll get it all back. I just need to keep on trusting and waiting.

A silver coin rings down that well

You can never spend too much

A diamond echoes deeper still

And you'll always have what you gave to love

"I'll wait, Ron," I sigh softly, my fingers tightly curled around his. "Let's give it one final try."

The End