Dead Inside

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

Why did you die, Sirius? Why? I can't go on like this without you. You were the reason I had to fight, you were the last bit of family I had. I have nothing now. I am nothing now.

Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?

Sometimes at night I lie in bed and all I want is to see you again. And I'm so tempted to crawl out of the window or take one of Snape's potions or simply turn my wand on myself and whisper Avada Kedavra because I know I could do it this time, and I know that you're waiting for me up there and so are my parents and why should I go on living down here when I could be up there with you?

I must be strong and carry on, 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

I never do, though. And I never will. Because I know I'd chicken out at the last minute. I'm not as strong as you were. And because I couldn't do that to Ron and Hermione. I couldn't leave them. I was torn in two when you died, and I would never wish this on anyone. Without you here, they're the ones I turn to. But it will never be enough. They don't understand me like you do, because you understood my father first.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?

I know Remus is here. And I know he wants to help. But it's not the same as you were, Sirius. He's too different. I know you say you were all close, but Remus never knew my father like you did. I think that's what it all boils down to. There's so much I need to know about Dad and so much I never will because I can't ask you.

Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?

That damn mirror. Why didn't you give it to me before? Why didn't you tell me about it when you gave it to me? Maybe I would have used it, maybe I would have called your name and I would have found you upstairs with Buckbeak and I would have never rushed into things. Maybe you'd still be alive.

I'll find my way through night and day,

Waking up is always the hardest part of the day, because coming out of sleep I don't always remember who or where I am or what has happened. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I'll get an owl from you today. Sometimes I fall asleep in the common room and I wake up and I check the clock, worried that I missed you in the fire. Once I thought I saw you walking in Hogsmeade and I followed you for half an hour before Ron found me and made me come back to the Three Broomstick's. I never saw that dog again.

'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

You'd think with all the magic we have, they could do something about this. They could prolong life, or they could open a pathway to where you are and when I have free time I could just open a door and walk up some stairs and sit and have tea with you. Mum and Dad would be there, too, and sometimes we could invite Cedric over, and sometimes we could invite the Bones over or the McKinnons or anyone and everyone else who should never have died. And I would drink my tea with the perfect amount of honey, and Mum would drink hers with plenty of sugar and Dad with plenty of milk, and you'd drink yours blacker than anything, because you always put two teabags in. Said it tasted like nothing unless there were at least two. When you had a headache you'd put in three. But you'd never put three in at this tea, because you don't have headaches in heaven. And it would be time to leave, but it wouldn't be sad, because I'd know and you'd know and Mum and Dad would know that it was only a matter of time before I came back, and I'd climb down those stairs waving and laughing as you called one last bawdy joke to me and Mum swatted you and told you to stop being a bad influence on me.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.

Every day that goes by I remember you a little less. Did you know I don't have any recent pictures of you, Sirius? That was one part you forgot to give me. You forgot to give me a picture of you. Sure, I have the one from Mum and Dad's wedding, but you're so young then. And I have the newspaper clippings, but who wants to remember Azkaban? I always see your face when I wake up, but sometimes I'll be sitting in Potions and my mind will wander to you, and sometimes I can't see you. And then I panic and I pour too many newt toes into my potion and Snape yells at me and takes points away from Gryffindor, but I don't notice because my eyes are screwed shut and I'm clutching my desk, trying to remember the way your hair fell into your eyes. I think Snape knows what I'm doing, because sometimes I think I hear a note of sympathy in his voice as he takes away those points, but then again I'm probably imagining things. I imagine things a lot more now that you're gone.

Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.

Once I woke up from a bad dream and instinctively I reached into my trunk and grabbed a piece of parchment and I started writing. Dear Snuffles, I wrote. I had a horrible dream that you were lying behind a curtain and I could hear you and I could see you through the curtain but I couldn't reach you. I know it's just a dream, but you said I should write to you when I was worried, and I'm worried, because it seemed so real. Your Godson, Harry. And when I was finished writing I folded it up and attached it to Hedwig and I sent her off and I went back to bed. I woke up and she was back, and the letter was still on her leg, and I couldn't imagine why she didn't give it to you. Then I remembered that the dream was reality, and you weren't here to protect me anymore, or even to talk to me. I didn't eat breakfast that day.

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,

I hate looking forward to death but I can't help it. I think about Voldemort, and that damned prophecy, and I can't help but think Maybe death's not that bad. Because I'll be with people who love me, and who I haven't seen in awhile, and I'm not afraid of death at all. I'm not afraid of much anymore. There's no point in fear. You weren't afraid. Maybe that's why she got you. You were too involved with being brave.

And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

After awhile you don't cry anymore. I cried a lot at first. Not in front of people, but at night, muffled into my pillow. I understand where Cho was coming from now. But eventually I stopped crying. There didn't seem to be a point in it anymore. I can't cry you back to life. When they told us that Hagrid had been killed on duty for the Order, everyone around me started sobbing. Even Ron. I expected it of Hermione, and I was right, her head was in her arms and her mess of hair was shaking with every breath. Ron was patting her back, and I looked at him, and his face was wet. He blinked his eyes and sniffed his nose and said, "Harry, didn't you hear? Aren't you upset?" And I looked at him and said, quite simply, "No." He looked at me in shock and I shrugged my shoulders. "Death happens." And I got up and left the room and walked upstairs - I walked up your stairs - into my bedroom and I got out my Exploding Snap deck and started playing by myself. Ginny came into the room eventually to figure out what the popping noise was, and she just sort of stared at me for awhile. "Harry... I... When you're ready to cry, you know where I am." I threw the cards down and set off a particularly vicious snap and I stood up, clenching my fists. "Crying is a weakness, a defense for people who don't understand the way the world works. I gave up crying when Sirius died. You should have given it up years ago." Ginny burst into more tears and ran from the room. Ron never came to bed that night. I never slept.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?

Once, just once, when I was drained of all feeling after a detention for hexing Malfoy, I wondered what life would be like if I never met you. If you had never escaped Azkaban and I had just lived in ignorant bliss. I couldn't decide if I would have rather not know you at all or have known you and lost you. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. They don't know what they're talking about.

Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?

I worry that you'll be mad at me when I die. I worry that I won't have lived correctly. I don't know what you want me to do, and it eats away at me. I always think What would Sirius have done? but I never know. I wish I did. I wish you had guided me more while you were here, even if I never wanted to listen to it. Then maybe I'd know what to do with my life after I graduate. My life is over, Sirius, and I'm only seventeen.

I must be strong and carry on, 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Were you happy on earth, Sirius? You had to go through this too, when my parents died. You knew what it was like to be responsible for a friends death. Dumbledore told both of us it wasn't our fault, but Dumbledore doesn't know everything. If he did, we'd all still be alive, wouldn't we? I'm not alive anymore. Maybe I can still breathe and maybe I can still talk and maybe I can still feel, a little, but inside I'm dead. I died with you. People avoid me now, except Ron and Hermione and Ginny and Neville and Luna. The people who were there. But it's not even the same with them. Ron and Hermione are getting married after Auror training, and Ginny is dating someone too, but I don't know who anymore. I stopped caring even about that. Neville is going to be a Healer, and Luna is going to be a writer, and I don't want to do anything except sit here thinking about you. Dumbledore gave me this Pensieve, but he never should have, because now I just pour my feelings into it and I relive all of the horror, because at least you're still there in the horror. And Hermione bewitched it for me so I can carry it with me whenever I go because I want to bring it with me when I die, so you can look at it. So you can be proud of what I've done. Are you proud of me, Sirius?

Is anyone proud of me anymore? People look at me funny, and they whisper things thinking I can't hear them, but I can. Every word they say is a dagger to me. I've died again every day since you left.

It's rather ironic, really. How the Boy Who Lived has become the Boy Who Can't Wait to Die.