Not Chosen; Not Good Enough

Never have I seen you in such a light of darkness, smiling, talking, laughing. You, my shining beacon, to help me and to show me the way through the dark light that surrounds us these days, even though you know not that you are. You are always there, my one, my only, my Harry.

I know that other girls think that they love you because you're so perfect in such a non-perfect way; so funny, so sweet, so smart and so...you. I also know that you don't want me the way I want you. You tell me about the girl who has been in your dreams for eons and you in hers for eons plus one, that girl, Ginny. I told you recently how I it is, in fact, me who has been crushing on you forever. It is me who you already knew that it was me and still you act the same.

It is strange because I don't regret telling you how I feel. Even though I gave you slight advice on you and Ginny, and I depress easy lately, knowing that you have always wanted her and no one else. I have just been the one on the side who you saw as the good friend. You laughed when I told you, that good, non-hurtful way, you were proud that you were right. And I laughed right along. You have that affect on me. You can calm me down by saying anything.

The friend you tease, the friend you complain to about how Ginny makes you feel mad and jealous, even though you still want her badly. And all I can do is stand here and say nothing. Deal with the fact that you are obsessed with Ginny and no one else. That you have always been obsessed with Ginny, and she with you. I stand to the side, listen to you telling me of girls who call your name and who want you, who think they love you, I listen to you talk about Ginny and Ginny and Ginny.

But, still, despite Ginny, I look to you and I desire to have it be me that you look at longingly and talk about to your friends. Me who you sit next to in classes and me who you enjoy spending time with. I have never really known Ginny, never really talked to her.

I look at you now, and you're laughing with her, with Ginny, you're not concentrating though. I can see that you're really angry with her right now. She upset you, and you're trying to hide it. You don't want her to know what I already know. She makes you depressed.

You wave goodbye and you walk towards me. I shift my gaze to the window, not wanting you to know that I was looking at you, even though you already probably know. The gold sun shines through the window and frames your hair, your face and you're not happy.

You slide into the seat next to me and I braced myself for another story of how Ginny makes you mad and how you still like her and how you don't know what to do, but you say nothing. Instead you lean back in your chair and look up at the ceiling. I look at you, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see Ginny watching you instead. How I long to just grab you and kiss you, just to let Ginny know the truth, but I don't; as you told me once: control.

So I do. I control my urges as I have been for the last two years at least and I satisfy myself with just looking. Watching you breathe; in and out and I see a tear leak out of your eye. Are you really that upset?

You sit up and smile at me, sweetly, and then you hug me.

I sit frozen for a second, shocked. But I wrap my arms as well as I can around you. Knowing that this is the first and the last time I'll ever feel you so close to me, so intimate.

You act as if you never want to let go of me...that all that is needed in this world is a hug to make it all better. But you do stop. And you wipe your eyes and look at me, looking into my eyes and I can see the sadness deep down.

And you tell me the things that you've probably been planning on telling me for months.

You say thanks for listening. Thanks for being there when I needed someone to talk to. Thanks for always remembering the important things for me. Thanks for being my shining beacon through all this madness. Thanks for being my savior. Thanks for being you.

From the depths of my heart the words come ripping out, as sincere as I know how to say them, the words I've always wanted to hear from you, but knew I never would: I love you.

You smile sadly and you kiss me on the cheek and the forehead and you leave the table. My eyes fill with tears and I could see Ginny sitting shocked. I could see you walking to her. I could see all that I wanted happening to someone else. And the tears came.

I felt like I could barely breathe and I stood up from the table and I saw my homework paper blotted with my tears and I saw the ink running. I walked as carefully as I could. My goal being to get out of the room. My goal to not let you see my cry.

All my life from this moment on, I will know that the one that I wanted, wanted me back, but chose someone else. Chose someone else over me. This is the burden I will carry on my back to my grave.

I was not good enough to be chosen, not good enough.