Beyond Lamentation

Beyond Lamentation

It took her awhile to figure out who she really was, although, somehow, it seemed worth the wait. The irony of it, though, was that it took a boy, young man, to show her who she wanted to be. He taught her about what she needed to be happy and to survive. He taught her how to live. How amazing it was that a young man who lost his life's meaning after only seventeen short years knew more about living that a woman who survived four short decades.

Harry was fifteen when he saved Dudley's life from the Dementors. There was a small spark to an ever growing fire in her heart. She never really knew Vernon until the moment that he threatened to kick Harry out after he saved their beloved son's life. It seemed as if she snapped back to reality the moment she received her howler. "Remember my last, Petunia..." She then took her home and her life back into her own hands. The voice of Sirius Black brought everything back to her.

That evening, after everyone went to bed, Petunia stayed in the kitchen. She had a cup of hot tea that grew steadily cooler as she held it between her trembling hands on the table. How could she have ever forgotten those moments?

She remembered the nights after Lily completed her studies at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry; those nights Lily, James, and Sirius had invited her to participate in their lives. She never realized it then, but she felt honored that they would associate themselves with a muggle. She remembered how Lily and James would go off their own way and leave Sirius alone with her. How awed she was by Sirius and his serious side (no pun intended). Slowly, as the cooling coffee dribbled down her hands she remembered what passion she felt for Sirius Black then.

When Sirius flew her to Glendalough in Ireland, they would spend hours revealing to each other the secrets of their souls. It was under the waterfall that Sirius told her he loved her. It was under that glorious waterfall that Petunia finally let herself be free. Afterwards, she knew she would never feel for another the way she felt for Sirius. She felt at home in the protection of his arms.

When she finally found the courage to tell her parents how she felt, that she was in love with a wizard, she lost her will to live. When her mom and dad told her that they already had one daughter of whom they were ashamed, her heart sunk. She knew that she couldn't let them down, so she agreed to marry Vernon Dursley. A part of her died the day she told Sirius under that waterfall in Glendalough. She was silent the entire trip back to Surrey, and the wind in her hair no longer thrilled her. She knew she was destined to live a loveless life.

Petunia and Vernon married within days of Lily and James's wedding. It wasn't long until the sisters found themselves pregnant. Petunia tried to ignore the desperate desire for Sirius Black and make her marriage to Vernon work. However, she realized that she would never feel anything but contempt for the man who slept beside her nightly. She fell asleep hoping beyond all hope that she would wake up in the morning and find her life just a nightmare, and that she was back at the waterfall with Sirius.
Days turned into months, and before she knew it, a year had passed. She had given birth to a pudgy baby boy who she vowed to let live his life as he pleased. She never wanted to feel that her son resented her for any reason.

One morning, she woke up and went to fetch the milk off her front porch, and she found her nephew in a wicker basket along with a note and a strange looking black dog. She shooed the black dog away, and as she closed the front door behind her, she could have sworn she heard the voice of Sirius Black begging her to give Harry the love he deserved. Those were the last words she ever heard Sirius Black utter to her, until she received her howler. That may have been the reason she closed herself off to Harry. She was jealous of the boy because of the love she knew Sirius had for him.

Harry's third year at school, she learned about what happened to Sirius Black. She had to keep her feelings in check when she learned that Sirius was wrongly accused of being a murderer (she knew him, he couldn't have killed those people!). She knew that if she'd shown any reaction other than horror over the escaped convict that she would betray her feelings, so she instead directed her gaze out of the window to hide the tears welling up in her eyes.

She didn't even know he had died. She found out months afterward, months after she had decided she could no longer live with Vernon Dursley. She had moved out and took her son and nephew with her to a tiny apartment in London, and she found a job as a maid for hire. For the first time, since her nights with Sirius Black, she felt alive.

One day as Dudley was spending time with his father, Petunia opened up to her nephew and told him about her love for his godfather. Harry then reacted in a way his aunt never expected: he cried. For the first time in his life, Harry allowed his emotion to take control, and he sobbed. Petunia held her sister's son in her arms. For the first time in her life she felt a connection to the boy she had cared for the past fifteen years yet never knew. Then she realized that Sirius had died. Harry didn't need to utter a word to her; they looked into each other's eyes and knew. Together they mourned the man who had meant so much to the both of them and had died too soon.

Petunia knew that the mark Sirius Black left on her heart would be one that would never leave. It took his death to teach her what she needed to know about herself. Petunia knew Sirius wouldn't want her to spend the rest of her life mourning a man who she had left when he was seventeen. She knew that Sirius would want her to love again.

It took her awhile to figure out who she really was, although, somehow, it seemed worth the wait. The irony of it, though, was that it took a boy, young man, to show her who she wanted to be. He taught her about what she needed to be happy and to survive. He taught her how to live. How amazing it was that a young man who lost his life's meaning after only seventeen short years knew more about living that a woman who survived four short decades.