Tightrope

It seems like everyday’s the same and I’m left to discover on my own . . .

They always said that there was a thin line between love and hate. But did they ever really know how right they were? Right now I am walking that line. It is a struggle to stay balanced. To avoid falling into either side. I know of the bottomless pits that await me. I have delved briefly into both. And they want me back. Both are calling for me. Battling for me. They wait for the day that my foot slips and I tumble into their dark depths.

It seems like everything is gray and there’s no color to behold . . .

But, you see, I cannot let that happen. I refuse to give in again. Time has shown me that even the smallest taste will surely lead to an overwhelming addiction. Their bittersweet fire would consume me in a heartbeat, melting the ice that I feel running through my veins. The armor I have worked so hard to build would be destroyed.

They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah . . .

It would be so easy, a vicious voice whispers. Your revenge would be sweet. Doesn’t he deserve it? Yes, he does, I admit to myself. But then the picture catches my eye. He is smiling at me from behind a golden frame. My heart wrenches. Why didn’t I get rid of that? Destroy it, the voice whispers harshly. But another, softer voice says, Look closer. You know you want to. I listen to the soft, complacent voice.

Trying to stay sober feels like I’m dying, again . . .

I inch closer to the photo. The pools of ice that are his eyes stare back at me. I remember how they used to soften when he looked at me. Yes, remember. The gentle voice is now more insistent. I frown. I don’t want to remember. Then don’t. This time I agree with the vicious voice. Think about what he did to you.

And I am aware now how everything’s gonna be fine . . .

I feel a sharp sting. I look down at my hand in shock. My knuckles are covered in blood. The picture frame is shattered. His face is obscured. There is cold laughter, then the same razor sharp voice. Wasn’t that satisfying? Now imagine how much more fun it would be if the target was his face. I shake my head gently. It was satisfying. If only for an instant. But I cannot admit it. The pacifying voice cuts into my thoughts. Exactly. The satisfaction was short lived. You cannot dwell on his mistakes forever.

One day, too late, I’m in hell . . .

Then memories are flooding back. The feeling of his arms wrapped around me. His scent. The sensation of his hand on my cheek, his lips brushing my fingers. With each memory I can feel my armor weakening. Something inside of me is crumbling. I cannot push them away. After a few minutes, they fade. But, unbidden, new images rise to my mind. These are even more unwanted than the last.

I am prepared now, since everyone’s gonna be fine . . .

I can hear him stammering over his weak explanation. ‘I am really sorry . . . I didn’t mean for it to happen . . .’ And I see him with her. Their lips melded together. It hits me with such force that I am left breathless. His pathetic apology is ringing in my mind. My head is pounding. I reach up to push my hair away from my face and find that my face is streaked with hot tears.

One day, too late, just as well . . .

I curse, angrily swiping at my eyes. I have the urge to punch him. He is a coward. He is not worth my tears. I established that a month after he left. And then the ice had come. I had welcomed it, embraced it. I’m not sure when it began to break. I think it was the first time I saw him again.

I feel the dream in me expire and there’s no one left to blame it on . . .

He crushed you. He betrayed you. He swore to protect you, and what does he do? He breaks you. My hands are over my ears, trying desperately to drown out the harsh whispers. ‘ I will never do anything to hurt you. Trust me.’ I pace the floor. It was an accident. He never meant to hurt you. That’s a lie. It was all a lie. No, it wasn’t. I sink to the floor. I am weak from fighting them. Let them fight amongst themselves. As for me, I don’t know what I think. Or what I feel. With a sick feeling, I realize that the ice has melted.

I hear you label me a liar cause I can’t seem to get this through . . .

I feel as if my skin has been ripped away. Inside me, a battle is raging. And I am sobbing. My entire frame is shaking. My breath is coming in short gasps. You are crying, the soft voice is almost inaudible. Keen observation, I shoot back. Both are silent for a moment. Why? I am surprised to hear that the vicious speaker is now being gentle. Because you are tearing me apart, I reply. Again there is silence.

You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah . . .

My eyes are stinging. I can taste blood and realize that I have been biting my lip. Say something, I plead. Dear, we don’t know what to say. Now I am angry. You wouldn’t shut up when I wanted you to, and now you are at a loss for words! Why? They are thinking. How ironic, I think. The voices in my head are thinking. And in my hysteria, I laugh. I laugh until the tears return.

Why try to stay sober when I’m dying, yeah . . .

Then two pictures fill my head. I feel my stomach turn. One is me as I know I must look now. Bloodshot eyes rimmed in dark circles; my once luminous hair now limp and dull; my lips dry and cracked. And I am crying. The other is me as I used to be. My eyes are sparkling, I am smiling widely. And I am glowing. Literally glowing. Notice the difference?

And I am aware now how everything’s gonna be fine . . .

How can I not? In one, I am beautiful. In the other, I am a shadow of a human being.

One day, too late, I’m in hell . . .

But you would be, too if . . . I can’t even finish the thought. The words are stillborn. If what?

I am prepared now since everyone’s gonna be fine . . .

If you allowed yourself to take a chance, the one risk in your safe, boring life. If you decided to trust someone against all your logic, because of how you felt for them. If you placed your faith in someone. If they had everything that you could give. And . . .

One day, too late, just as well . . .

How do you feel about him now? I . . . I hate him, I say. Do you now? Yes . . . I bite my lip. I sigh. No, I admit. With this comes a fresh wave of tears.

And I’m not scared now, I must assure you, you’re never gonna get away . . .

I bury my head in my hands. I hate you, I whisper. You made me like this. No, we didn’t. This was in you all along. He did this to you. Your love for him did this to you. I agree. I know that it was ultimately my own doing. But it is so much easier to blame them. They brought it out of me. They broke my wall.

And I’m not scared now, and I’m not scared now . . .

My head is spinning. How can I fight them? I can’t see them. And I contemplate whether I want them gone. They fill the emptiness. I am full to the brim with emotion right now. Feelings I rejected so long ago are gripping me like a vise.

I am aware now how everything’s gonna be fine,

One day, too late, I’m in hell . . .

I close my eyes, basking in the darkness. It is my haven. But now the sweet oblivion is tainted. There is a dim light filtering in, casting its beams onto an image. One that I have long kept cloaked in shadow.

I am prepared now, since everyone’s gonna be fine,

One day, too late, just as well . . .

The words form on his lips. I can see them coming. Any second now I will feel the warmth spread all the way to my toes. The thrill that came every time he said it.

I am prepared now, since everything’s gonna be fine , for me, for me, for myself . . .

‘I love you.’

For me, for me, for myself . . .

Then I feel the kiss. The light touch of his lips on mine. I love you, too. The words spring from my lips as if they have been waiting there forever.

For me, for me, for myself . . .

I am suddenly very tired. I rest my head on my knees. My headache is subsiding.

I am prepared now, for myself ,

I am prepared now . . .

I open my eyes. The lids are heavy, my vision blurred. I look at my surroundings. My mind is hazy. My gaze finds the picture of you. The moment before sleep finds me, I notice something. The glass in the frame is perfectly smooth.

And I am fine again.