Only Ashes

I sit by this lake, staring into its depths. This is the exact place that I was when you first told me you loved me.

That was over five years ago.

But I can still remember just how your eyes glittered. With life I had never seen in you before.

To be quite honest, it scared me.

You weren’t supposed to be alive. You weren’t supposed to fall for me. It was supposed to be a game.

But your ice melted. My flames licked at it until it gave way, and you were living, breathing, your heart beating with the same speed as mine.

That was the first night you kissed me.

Our lips had met before. On many occasions. Our tongues had tangled together with desperate passion.

But this was the first night that it was a real kiss.

You pressed your lips (such soft lips) to mine and held them there for a moment before pulling away and looking into my eyes.

It had never been that gentle before.

And what did I do?

I ran.

I was supposed to be the Gryffindor. I was supposed to be the brave one.

But you terrified me.

I’m not sure what was scarier: that you loved me, or that I might love you back.

You see, I had shut myself down a long time ago. Since Tom. I had built a wall. A wall of stone. Stone is much more reliable than ice, you see. I could feel, I could feel a lot of things. I could even feel love.

But I couldn’t fall in love. Not again. Not when my first love stole my soul and my second broke my heart.

We never mentioned that night after that. I pretended it hadn’t happened, you pretended it didn’t hurt.

And then, war was upon us.

The enemy came to our doorstep, and we had no choice but to fight.

Well, I had no choice.

You, however, did.

I will never understand why you drew your wand and stood beside me, your face set with determination. What possessed you?

But the reasons didn’t matter, because they were coming. They were coming, and they were going to destroy us, no matter how hard we fought.

Harry was at the front line, my brother and Hermione beside him. I don’t think I had ever seen him look as angry and determined as he did at that moment.

I don’t think I had ever seen Ron look so scared.

I looked over at you. You looked back at me. Slid your hand into mine.

I savored the warmth for a moment, but both of us knew it couldn’t last.

And then it was happening. The battle was raging.

I think everyone knew that, one way or another, this was it. This was the end.

Hexes and jinxes and counter-spells were flying everywhere. I tried not to pay attention to the screams and cries, and to the flashes of green light that were going off all around me.

Harry was battling Bellatrix Lestrange. I wondered what on earth he was doing. Voldemort was his priority.

But I knew, deep down I knew. He was getting revenge. Revenge for Sirius.

But I stepped up beside him, grabbed the sleeve of his robe, and pushed him out of the way. It only took him a moment to get headed in the right direction.

Harry had become much the same as a suit of armor since his fifth year. Empty. Hollow.

Bellatrix spoke to me in the same baby voice she had used on Harry at the Department of Mysteries. That voice drove me crazy. It was right up there with nails on a chalkboard.

I got distracted by my annoyance, and before I knew what was happening, I was on my knees. Pain like I had never felt before in my life was coursing through me. It was agony, absolute agony.

And then it stopped.

 

I opened my eyes, and through tears and blood, I saw you.

You had two wands. Both were drawn and aimed at her. You told me to run.

I didn’t need to be told twice.

But, what I did next, I will always be ashamed of.

I didn’t continue fighting with the rest of them. No, one taste of the Cruciatus Curse was enough. I found safety behind a tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

The only time I even thought about moving was when I heard the scream.

Your scream.

But I didn’t. I simply drew my knees up to my chest and prayed that it would end soon.

And it did.

Once all was silent, I got to my feet, wiped the tears, dirt, and blood from my face, and went out to inspect the damage.

There were so many bodies. So many. And I knew too many of them.

There was Remus Lupin. His face was covered in shallow-looking cuts, his nose broken. His eyes were staring blankly at the sky.

Parvati Patil and her sister, Padma, were clinging to each other, both of them whimpering, apparently unable to move. Though from wounds or fear, I didn’t know.

And there was Harry. On his knees in front of the now-dead body of Voldemort. Even from a distance, I could tell he was crying. His body was shaking with silent sobs.

I started to make my way toward him. But a flash of white caught my eye, and I stopped.

And then I, too, was on my knees.

You were dead. Right in front of me, and dead. Your grey eyes were still leaking tears, although they would never see anything again.

There were no marks. That meant it was the Killing Curse, which at least meant there had been no pain.

Harry was the one who burned your body. I knew it was what you wanted, but I couldn’t speak the incantation. My mouth wouldn’t let me.

I scattered your ashes over the ground that I now sit on.

Which is why I come here. So that, once a year, I can tell you what I never told you before.

I love you, too.