Almost Perfect

The first time you notice is when you are laying with her, late at night. You are tracing your fingers over her soft flesh when you feel something hard, almost sharp. Upon second glance, you see that it is her hip bone, rising up like a hill from her flat stomach.

You notice, but you say nothing.

The next night in the Great Hall, you see that, although she picks at her food and pushes it around her plate, she eats nothing.

And you wonder how it took you so long to notice.

It is then that you realize how deeply self-involved you have been since the end of your fifth year. And guilt washes over you like a heavy blanket.

You tell Ron of your suspicions and he becomes just as concerned as you are.

Together, the two of you confront her. An intervention, Muggles call it.

She looks up briefly from her book and says, "You two worry too much. I have it under control."

Ron is content to believe her. After all, he points out, she is the smartest of your trio. She undoubtedly knows about these things. She knows too much to get herself into a mess like that.

You grudgingly agree, but can’t help thinking of all the times she has shown insecurity about her weight. All the times you have caught her looking in the mirror with a frown on her pretty face, or the Muggle fashion magazines you catch her looking at, with longing in her eyes.

The next time you are together you can count her ribs. Her stomach has gone from flat to concave.

"Hermione," you whisper, running your fingers along the outlines of her bones. "You’ve gotten so thin."

She smiles, her sunken brown eyes lighting up,. "I know. Don’t I look a thousand times better?"

And because of that smile you can’t tell her that she looks, not better, but worse. That she looks sick and malnourished. You simply nod and tighten your arm around her tiny waist.

And she continues to lose weight. And no one but you seems to notice. Ron is happy to be in the dark, and sometimes you wish you could be, as well. But it doesn’t work that way.

And then, one night, on the way back to the common room, she collapses. You drop to your knees next to her, shaking her gently, pleading with her to wake up. But she doesn’t stir.

That is when you run. You run wildly down the corridors, screaming for someone to help you.

Dumbledore stops you. He puts his hands on your shoulders.

"Harry, what is it?"

"It’s Hermione, Professor. She’s — She’s passed out."

**

Madame Pomfrey calls it anorexia. You have heard that word, quite often in fact, in the Muggle world. There, it is a very common problem. But you had assumed, and wrongly so, that it was a muggle disease.

You are there when she awakens. She looks disoriented and exhausted.

"Harry?" she asks, looking at you. "What am I doing in the hospital wing?"

"You collapsed in the corridor last night."

"Oh," she says, smiling sheepishly. "Well, see, I hadn’t gotten veyr much sleep, and – "

"Do you know what you have, Hermione?"

"What do you mean?"

"The disease you have. Do you know what it’s called."

She narrows her eyes angrily. "I don’t have a – "

"Anorexia," you say, and you begin reciting what Madame Pomfrey had told you. "Anorexia Nervosa. A disease characterized by self-starvation. A disease that can be fatal."

"That’s ridiculous. I have not been starving myself. That would be utterly and completely idiotic. It was just a diet."

"You’re right. Starving yourself is idiotic. But you have so been doing it. Just looking at you, anyone could tell. And I’ve seen you at dinner."

She looks like she is going to cry. "There’s nothing wrong with me," she says weakly.

"If there’s nothing wrong with you, then you can start eating again."

She shakes her head. "I can’t."

"Why not?" you ask angrily. "Do you want to be a human skeleton, Hermione? Are you looking to kill yourself, because that’s where you’re headed. "

"No," she says, her voice small, and a tear rolls down her cheek. "I was just doing what I had to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I had to, Harry. I had to be perfect."

"No one expects you to be perfect, Hermione."

"Well, maybe I do! "

She sighs and looks down at her hands, folded in her lap.

"And I was almost there."

~*~fin~*~