And We All Fall Down

And We All Fall Down

The war was more gruesome than any of them expected. She was tired of seeing the causality numbers rise, and tired of watching her friends die all around her. She was just so tired (at night the screams would come and she could almost smell death in her dreams). It was her generation, their generation, that was fighting it (she could see all the colors of the rainbow erupting on the battlefield but what she dreaded most was that sliver of green that took lives, that destroyed lives, including hers). Children who didn't deserve to have their childhood snatched away from them so quickly (as another Christmas passed, she stared up at the lonely skies and wondered what she had done to deserve this and she shrugged and she walked back to the school and she wondered when it would end and she knew that nothing would ever be the same again and even in the coldest winter night she could feel the pain still warm in her blood, and the shaking, why couldn't she stop shaking?). Everyone dealt with the pain differently. The others (bright green eyes shinning back at her) poured themselves into the war, working hours beyond hours, practicing spells, learning anything he (because no one else was left in the end) could and fighting, always fighting. But she couldn't fight anymore, she couldn't learn anymore, so she turned onto a different road. She found comfort in the arms of someone she despised (she'd never admit that she needed him, but she does, she does need him). He was exactly the kind of person she was trying (just trying, never succeeding) to save the world from, but she loved him anyways.

& he's her first mistake.

It wasn't a relationship, it wasn't even a friendship; it was just two people who needed to get away (he drowned himself in the bright blue skies that would never appear ever again, and she smiled as she watched him cry because the pain lessened just a little when she knew that he was suffering, too). This was why six years into the war, she was spending Christmas Eve in a tiny bar, drowning away her sorrows in firewhiskey (the first one burned her throat but then again, it was the pain she wanted to feel). An hour later, he walked in to find her there, and he wondered if it would've been as easy to get her into his bed if she hadn't been completely drunk (but did it really matter?). She groped him blindly as he guided her back to his flat. He placed sloppy kisses onto her lips as he attempted to steer them towards his bedroom. They never made it there (so they did it on his living room floor, then in his kitchen, then once more against the door of his room). She had dozed off around two in the morning in his bed after two more round of what-ever-it-was-called (fucking, ripping, destroying, and she couldn't do anything as he touched her in places she didn't know existed, and she could feel the world looking at her in that blinding darkness of his room and she couldn't stop it and she couldn't stop herself and so she ripped it apart, buttons flying and she could hear the moan rising from her throat and she could feel his cold hand sliding down and she wanted it so bad because she needed it to be about her for once). When he woke up the next morning, she was gone; no evidence of her remained except for the small dent in the pillow beside him and the slightly lingering smell of her shampoo (he looked disgusted for just a moment when he realized he liked the smell). He felt a small tug at his heart, but shrugged it off; he hadn't really expected her to stay anyways.

& nothing became everything.

She hadn't seen him for a month (two days, nine hours and forty-five seconds), and as she stared out the window, she wondered if he had died. She felt like laughing at the war. Who could've killed him, she wondered (who could kill a god?). She stared out at the silent lake, and she wondered if she would care if he died. It didn't matter; she could always find someone else (although no one could replace him). She didn't care, because if she had met him on that battlefield, she would've said the words (a flash of green, then a scream) but she knew that on the battlefield, he would've won (because he always won). The others walked by (tired looking green eyes staring at her) and she asked if anything was wrong, but got no reply (because nothing is ever wrong) and she stood up and left (nothing left to look at). The lake is now empty (emptier than his eyes, and maybe just as empty as hers) and the building she had been in was long gone. The flashes of green still shinning in the sky, and the screams still ringing in the air and she would never forget (the tired green eyes and his cold grey ones and the curse that came flying and running and the green and the flash of light and her screams and the loud rumbling of the sky and the snow falling lightly on Christmas Eve and his kisses and his touch and his smile and his tears and the way his face looked as he fell). Nothing would ever be the same, but she got up and she left. It didn't matter, but she cried anyways.

& the sky burned on.

The sky was filled with smoke when he saw her again. She cried in his arms, and he let her because he didn't know what to do (no one had cried in his arms before). He said nothing but just held her (and she was glad) and he could feel his heart finally moving (in a way he had never felt before) when she pulled back to stare into his eyes (a sad and tired look and just a hint of something he didn't understand). They had never done this before, never looked at each other this way and he wanted it to stop because he didn't understand what was happening, so he turned away, and she stood there watching as he walked away and she dropped onto her knees when he was out of sight and could almost feel something (just a soft twinge) as her heart broke for the first time. She didn't understand it then, lying in what was left of Hogwarts (the great school had finally crumbled, and so did the others, and she, too, was about to crumble), her face in her palm, tears flowing down but she didn't want to know what had happened (because he had left her and she didn't care and she didn't want to love him and she didn't love him and the sky was just a little too grey on the days he was gone and she didn't want to cry over someone who didn't matter and she wanted to cry for the tired green eyes or the broken blue ones but she couldn't forget the piercing grey because it broke her soul). He would never walk back into her life again, but she didn't care (except she really did), and yet, the pain continued anyways.