Hannah

Hannah

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"Hannah, Ernie's looking at you."

Parvarti nudges me in the side while she talks. I didn't really need her to tell me this; I can feel his eyes on me. I'm going to need at least one more drink before I can talk to him. I've known Ernie for as long as I can remember, we even went to the same Muggle school back in Aberdeen. Both our parents were so thrilled when we got our letters for Hogwarts. I've had a major crush on him since back in second term. Well, today is the day. I'm just going to walk right up to the bar and tell him how I feel. Here goes nothing.

Hannah's friends were watching

When she met him at the end of the bar.

Hannah's friends were thinking

That she wouldn't even make it that far.

"It's always been you, Hannah. I love you."

That's all I needed to hear from him. I was so afraid that he wouldn't feel the same way about me, but he just said he did. I've had other boys express interest in me, but I'd always been holding out for Ernie, and now I don't have to wait any longer. I finished my brandy Alexander, while he paid our tabs. He said we'd have his dorm room all to ourselves, since everyone would still be here, in Hogsmeade. I don't think the trip back to the castle ever took longer. Once in his dorm, I gave myself to him, body and soul. I pictured the rest of my life with him, just was we were now. Everything seemed to right, so natural, that I couldn't imagine anything that could ever come between us.

This is for you he said,

Her gaze unbroken as she licked her spoon.

He put his hand in his pocket

And pulled out the moon.

He gave it to her

Her breathing stumbled and her eyes became wide.

And, as she swallowed cream

She could already feel him inside.

She's seen similar before, a book,

A ring, a key and more, but never

As clever and as clear and as pure.

He said, "You're the one, you're the only one

I've been waiting for."

So she took his eyes and trusted

And she slipped through the door.

But, dreams pass. I came to New York to surprise him. He'd been working there in the Muggle stock exchange. We'd been sending owls to each other everyday since he'd left England. He said he'd send for me when he got on his feet and had a place big enough for the both of us. We could get married when I got there, and then we could start the family I'd always wanted. Since Ernie didn't have a fireplace in his apartment, and I didn't know exactly where to apparate to, I decided on Muggle transport. I arrived at his building at a little past eight in the evening. I had spent all day at a salon, making myself as beautiful as possible for him. I remembered he liked to twist his fingers around my blond curls, so I left my hair down. I was so excited when I finally knocked on his door. I delighted in the idea that, in a few minutes, I would be with him again. I certainly didn't imagine coming face to face with someone else.

I never did catch her name, although I don't think that was one of the things she screamed at me. She didn't seem to know who I was either, just that I claimed to be Ernie's fiancée. I wonder if she would have been considered the other woman, or I would be. It's funny, the things that go through your head at times like these. She had blond hair as well, I guess he stuck with that at least, and she is very pretty. When she'd gotten her fill of yelling at me, she started yelling at him. I don't know what happened after that. I left around the time he was trying to explain that I didn't mean anything to him.

Girl in New York don't call her naive,

She's seen it before

She just risks to believe

She still has her faith in her battered ideals,

She still owns the courage

To scale her fears

Spontaneous love has crossed everyone's mind.

Most lose hope when that's not what we find.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, crying. I'd still be at it, if not for the sudden appearance of red hair next to me.

"Ginny! What are you doing here?"

I can't believe it's her. She should have just graduated. I haven't seen her for over a year. She looks a little sad too.

"I'm here on holiday with my parents. They gave me this trip for a graduation present. I was walking around Central Park and saw you over here. I couldn't believe it was you, but it is! When I got close enough, I noticed that you were crying. What's wrong, Hannah?"

I choke back more tears before I am able to reply.

"Oh, Ginny, I've been the world's biggest fool. It's Ernie, I thought we were supposed to be engaged, but I thought I'd stop by and surprise him." I give a mirthless laugh at the idea that I really did manage to surprise him. "Well, I was the one to get a surprise. He's living with another woman! She called me a whore, and then she started yelling at Ernie. All he did was say that I didn't mean anything to him, that I was nothing." I shudder through a series of violent sobs before I can speak again. "My god, Ginny, what am I supposed to do now? I thought he loved me, and I know I loved him. He's the only man I've ever...been with."

Ginny held me close to her, as I suffered another series of violent sobs. When I had quieted down enough, she spoke to me in a soothing, motherly, tone.

"Look, Hannah, I know you may not believe this, but I know exactly how you feel right now."

I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand.

"No, Ginny, you don't. You've got a healthy relationship with Harry. I just hope to god you never have to go through this with him."

It was now Ginny's turn to utter her own mirthless laugh.

"Well, maybe Kafka was right, Hannah, because Harry and I are as dead as you and Ernie."

I stopped crying in my surprise at Ginny's proclamation. How could this be? They were so happy last I knew. I guess it has been a year, though. My whole life has been centered on Cedric for so long.

"I'm so sorry, Ginny. What happened?"

Ginny turned to look off into the distance. A few minutes passed before she responded.

"Hermione happened. Well, that's not entirely the cause. I had built my entire future around Harry and me, and when it didn't all go exactly the way I thought it would, I decided to destroy everything, rather than alter my dream in any way." She stops and looks me in the eye. "Does that make any sense?"

I laugh for real this time.

"More sense than you know. I did the same thing with Ernie. I had our entire future planned out, our wedding, our kids, everything. I guess I should have realized that there were two of us in that equation, and that he may not have wanted the same things. I don't know. It doesn't matter now, anyway."

Ginny threw her arm around me again. "So, what are you going to do now? You could stay with my parents and I, we've got two rooms at our Hotel."

I gave Ginny's hand a gentle squeeze. I don't think I could have gotten through this without her.

"Thanks, Ginny, but I just want to get back home. America reminds me of him now. I'll be ok. I would like to come and visit sometime though. Maybe when you get back from your trip? I'll send an owl to the Burrow in a week or so." I stand to get up, feeling much lighter than when I sat down. "Thanks, Ginny. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't shown up."

Ginny returns my smile and gives me one last hug. "Anytime, Hannah, I'll be waiting for your owl. Take care of yourself."

I saw her in the morning

And she was crying in the park.

She said his girlfriend came

And screamed through the dark.

Said that she called her a whore

And screamed in her face

So Hannah had left

In silent disgrace.

She turned to me and said

"Now what do I do?"

And I witnessed her shame

Hell it was mine too

I'm still in bloody America. I knew I should have just apparated back home, but since I already paid for a round trip ticket, I might was well use it. I'm not in that much of a hurry anyway. I can't stand the thought of explaining what happened to mum and dad. The pitying expressions on their faces are already haunting me. I'll owl Ginny when I get there, that way she'll know I made it back safely. Thank god for Ginny, she really helped me get through the worst of this. I just feel so ashamed of myself for believing all of Ernie's lies. I put the last bit of my Muggle money in the pay phone. He was probably screening his calls, or maybe she was there, I don't know. I needed closure though, and saying how I felt gave me some of that. So, for now, I'll just have to start over. I'll know better next time. At least I hope I will.

Now she even calls him from Texas,

She gets his machine

He made her question herself,

Her worth, her esteem.

So don't say she's the one,

And then forget.

Don't hand her the moon

And then charge interest on debt,

Don't give her your lies

'Cause your make may be flawless,

You're full of shit

And your campaign is coreless

And the moon won't do

If it's just a snapshot

And neither will you

If that's all that you got

And neither will you

If that's all that you got.