Remembrance

"You make it so hard for me to trust you." His words come so suddenly, you almost think to laugh, but the look on his face displays just how serious he is. His hand bleeds crimson as he shatters a forgotten glass in his palm.

"Harry," you breathe out because words seem lost upon you. A series of incantations and spells are muttered as you repair his cut hand. Tilting his chin level with yours, you gaze at him searchingly. "What is it, Love?"

He conjures a copy of The Daily Prophet and tosses it at your feet. A blaring picture of yesterday's Hogsmeade massacre stares you in the face and you nod with realization. "I see."

Harry's normally emerald eyes blaze red as he finally holds your gaze. "You see?!" he shouts. "You told me that you were running errands. How dare you lie?"

"I didn't lie," you say evenly. "I was running errands."

He backs away, as though disgusted with you, and this hurts you much more than you'd care to admit. "How did you think you could hide this from me, Draco?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," you state unconvincingly. Playing dumb was never your strong point.

"That attack reeks of you. You don't think I'd know your style by now?" He shakes his head. "You spoke of fairy tales and happily-ever-afters." His voice is laced with sorrow that you never wanted to give him. "I shouldn't have believed you."

You frown and move towards him, relieved that he doesn't shy away. "Those were all truths I spoke of, Harry. Who cares what happens outside of this home? We all have jobs to do. But that doesn't have to affect us." He laughs and the bitterness bites at your skin.

"They say I'm naïve," he utters resentfully. "I was stupid. Stupid to think that you'd left that all behind."

Your blood boils with sudden anger and you bite back a growl. "I change for nobody, Potter. You knew that from the beginning. I never promised you light. I promised only my love, which I have given."

He collapses back onto a chair and hastily wipes away a tear. "I should leave you, Draco. I know what you promised. I wanted so badly to believe..." he whispers, the pain so vivid, it tears a wound you know will never heal. "It's sick. It's pathetic that I can't leave you. I still love you. How sad is that?" The last words are spoken with a shame you can't help but feel. You've made him this way: weak. Bending down and placing your arms around him, you capture his lips and try to give back everything you know you've cost him.

"Come on," you whisper. "Let's go upstairs." Placing your hand in his, you lead him to the bedroom and lay him gently onto the black sheets. You take him thatnight, and when he screams your name, the world seems to right itself again.

* * *

Morning comes as a grim reminder. A reminder that you can't hide forever in the dark shadows and that reality has come back to torture you. Seeing his still form curled up against you, you realize that love means sacrifice. The Dark Lord has embedded his talons into you, has stolen your soul and you know you'll never get it back. But Harry has your heart, and for him, you're willing to give that up.

Disentangling yourself from his limbs, you place a chaste kiss upon his temple and slip silently from the bed. You stand still and drink him in, memorizing him this way. Snapping yourself from your trance, you move to get a cloak. Moments pass and you've apparated to an abandoned building, necessary spell ingredients clutched in your hands. You retrieve the spell book from within your robes and open it to the appropriate page. Father had taught you this spell when you were too young to know what it was. Malfoys never faltered, never made mistakes. If they were ever to disgrace their heritage in such a way, this spell eliminated any knowledge of what they had done. You smirk slightly. Father had given you at least one useful thing in his life. You recite the incantations and slit your wrist, letting the blood trickle to the ground. Moving slowly to lay down without disrupting the flow, you rest your head on the cold ground and wait.

Eternities seem to pass in a matter of hours as you can feel Harry's world cleansing itself of your presence. Gone are the days of Hogwarts. The stolen kisses in empty classrooms and darkened corridors. The biting comments and grueling fights that always had an underlying love.

Even in this situation, you manage a tiny smile. You think you'll miss those the most. Brawls that were always instigated purely for the benefit to touch him. You relive every memory Harry is forgetting so clearly that you can roll them on your tongue and taste them.

You know the process is finished when you lose enough blood to see the shadows of death lurking in the corner. An uttered spell ceases the flow and in your blind haze, you manage to choke back the replenishing potion you'd brought with you. Now that the spell is over, you can feel the unbearable weight of having memories that no longer exist on your shoulders. You didn't know it would feel like this. The anguish is excruciating and you cry out Harry's name, knowing that he's not looking to hear it.

It takes you some time before you can recover and apparate near the flat you had shared with Harry. You need to make sure everything has worked as it should. You wait agonizingly until you see Harry emerge from the building. You see a crop of bright red hair and you know immediately that he is on the arm of a Weasley. A sneer flitters across your face. Replaced by Weasley. Figures. Straightening up, you head in the couple's direction and angle yourself to collide with the man you love. You topple backwards and somehow manage to land with a grace only Malfoys can achieve. Emerald eyes pierce yours and a hand is offered to pull you back up. Harry smiles sheepishly and puts out a hand for you to shake.

"Sorry, mate," he says, and you can swear that his voice has never sounded this wonderful. "Guess we weren't watching where we were going." You watch as Weasley grabs his hand and grips it firmly.

"We shouldn't be talking to him, Harry," he says, leering at you. "That's Lucius Malfoy's son." Harry's face contorts into one of silent fury as he pulls his hand away from you.

"Had I known that, I would have let you stay on the ground," he hisses and your heart breaks just a little more. "Go back to Daddy, Malfoy, and tell him he'll pay for killing Hermione." For a second, you're almost happy because this is the strong Harry you knew before you destroyed him. You let yourself slip back into your stoic mask and smirk at the two in front of you.

"Father was doing us all a favor," you drawl, crossing your arms over your chest. "One less mudblood to contaminate our world." Weasley growls and goes to launch himself towards you, only to be held back by Harry.

"Not now, Love," Harry mutters soothingly. "We don't even know if he's a death eater." You raise an eyebrow in slight wonderment. So, the spell has even eliminated the fact that you had admitted to being a death eater. You feel a pang in the pit of your stomach. You don't even know how you exist in this world. What are you like? Who knows you...who doesn't? A moment of regret for ever doing this flashes in your mind, but you push away the feeling because this is what's right for Harry.

"No, you don't, St. Potter," you snarl, and move to walk away. His hand catches yours and you sense something cross between the two of you. He gasps softly in surprise, but promptly clears his mind.

"No, I don't, Malfoy. But I will find out." He lowers his voice and penetrates you with his eyes. "And then, I'll kill you." With that, he pushes you away and moves towards Ron, hoping to get as far away from you as possible. With him gone, your composure crumbles and you slump your shoulders in defeat. You keep telling yourself that this is for the best and you develop a mantra that love is about sacrifice.

Still, you can't shake the feeling of total despair that's slowly consuming you whole.

* * *

Months drag on and the days become more and more unbearable. You're Voldermort's favored one, a feat you hadn't managed in your other life. He praises you and you have all the power you ever dreamed of. But all of it is empty without Harry. Without you knowing it, he'd somehow changed you. The evil, smirking bastard you'd grown accustomed to being was becoming more difficult to conjure. Nights leave you lonely and melancholy, wondering what he's doing and if there's some way, any way, that he could remember you. He haunts every hour you breathe and sometimes you find yourself in front of his flat, staring at the door in longing. The final battle comes soon and facing Harry will be inevitable. The night will end with his death or yours.

You hope for the latter.

* * *

Rain seems fitting when the sides of good and evil are fighting to their deaths, you think idly as another body drops beside you. The water pelts down on you and visibility is quickly diminishing. You've been spending most of the battle avoiding places you knew Harry would be because you're not quite ready to face him yet. A tuft of black hair comes within your line of vision and even though you're partly blinded by raindrops, you still know it's him. He spots you and raises his wand, his mouth opening to utter the spell that will end it all. Your instincts tell you to flee and you break into a run, knowing full well that he's ready to charge after you. Your wand is held in front of you as you curse all those in your way. You can feel him behind you and push on, desperate to escape his line of vision.

It's only after your lungs begin to burn and your legs lose their stability that you realize you can't run forever. You don't want to run forever. You just want it to end. This life means nothing to you when you know that it could be different. You stop abruptly and turn to face him. His chest heaves from exertion and his glasses are foggy because of the rain.

You can't remember him looking more beautiful.

"Just do it, Potter," you shout over the sounds of rain and murder. "Just end it."

Harry looks at you with slight confusion. "Why are you giving up, Malfoy?" he asks, and you almost roll your eyes. Gryffindor curiosity will get him killed.

Stop asking questions," you cry, berating him. "This is what you want, isn't it? Revenge for the Mudblood and all that."

"You didn't kill her, Malfoy," he says softly, but you can see a flicker of anger in his eyes.

"But I wished her dead," you hiss. "Come on, Potter. Point and shoot. You've done it before." You sneer at him, hoping to push him enough to make everything go away. Harry blinks at you and slowly raises his wand. "Avada--" He stops abruptly and tumbles back as though he'd been pushed. You can feel the same force as it drives through your body and fills you. You can tell immediately that something is different. Something has changed. You look up at Harry and see his confused orbs staring back at you.

"I know you," he says in a hushed tone.

"Yes, Potter. Of course you know me," you scoff. "Death eater, remember?"

"No," Harry says, shaking his head emphatically. "I know you. Draco, I know you."

"Harry?" you ask hesitantly and it's all you can get out before he's in your arms and kissing your pain away. You can't comprehend what is happening. You must have performed the spell incorrectly because Harry remembers and he's kissing you and this is so...wrong. You force him away and look down, unable to face him.

"I loved you," he whispers and takes your hand into his.

"Yes," you admit, defeated because you weren't able to give back what you took from him. You're back to where you started.

"Then how come I forgot?"

"Because the past tainted you, Harry," you whisper. "Because I tainted you."

"Why do I remember now?" His questions are gnawing at you, leaving stinging bites on your mind.

"Another failure in life," you smirk. "I was never good at saving people." He tilts his head slightly and gazes at you with slight confusion.

"I didn't need you to save me, Malfoy," he murmurs. "I needed to feel like I could trust you."

"I know," you choke out after a moment. "I can't give that to you. I never can." You both stand in silence, listening to a war that seems so distant. His eyes lock with yours and you can't turn away even if you want to.

He inches towards you timidly, asking permission for something he should never have to. You give your answer by wrapping your arms around him and placing your head on his shoulder. Years could pass and you wouldn't know because in this moment, everything is perfect. Let the world stop and trap you here because Harry's with you, nothing else matters, and you can pretend everything is fine.

"It'd be nice to stay like this forever," you say finally, breaking the silence.

"We can," he whispers into your ear, hopeful. So hopeful. Reluctantly, you pull away to look into his emerald orbs.

"No, we can't Harry." He tries to hide his emotions, but he was never good at that and you can see his heart breaking in front of you. You fight the urge to apologize because it means nothing at this point.

"If I asked you to come back to me, would you?" His voice is soft, the wind threatening to carry it away.

"No, Potter."

"The spell is broken now. I remember. All of it. Everything is like it used to be." His voice is desperate, trying to reason with you.

"That's exactly it!" you shout, the emotions emitting from you in droves. "Everything is exactly the same. You're still the Boy Who Lived and I'm still a notorious Death Eater. Nothing's changed." There are tears streaming from your eyes. Shameful, ugly tears. "Don't you see, Harry? The second we go back to reality, everything will be exactly as it was. You said it yourself: you can't trust me. You'll never be able to. The Dark Lord's claimed me. I can't break away from him, even if I wanted to. He'll use me against you, you know he will. I tried to free you. That spell was supposed to free you." You pause to let him digest your words. "Look where we are now, Harry. Trapped, once again, in this vicious cycle." You step towards him and grab his hand, pointing his wand at your chest. "Do it, Potter. End it."

He shakes his head vehemently and struggles to pull away, but your hold is steadfast. "No, Draco. I can't. This--no, I can't." The words come out in wretched, pained sobs. "Please..."

You pull him closer, causing the wand to dig painfully into you. "Think about this, Harry. If we go back to the way things were, it will still end this way. You know that. One of us must lose for the other to win. Let it be me. Let me do right by you...let me save you."

"I can't--"

"Be the fucking brave Gryffindor you claim to be and do it!" you scream, tightening your grip on his hand. "Harry, please. You know we're doing the right thing." He nods shakily and tries to speak, but chokes on his words.

"I love you," he says finally, kissing you one last time.

"And I love you." You close your eyes and smile when a flash of green light frees you. Takes you away to someplace where you can wait for Harry in peace. You don't see the crumpled heap you leave behind you. The shell of a man who has lost everything he holds dear. You don't hear his sobs: his jarring, painful sobs to the heavens. You don't hear his regret. You don't hear him, because maybe if you did, you would wonder whether or not you did the right thing.