Buried Deep Inside

Buried deep inside

'How would you get a forbidden book out of the Restricted Section of the library?'

Harry looked up from his copy of Defence against the Dark Arts: How to get them before the get you to see Ginny standing in front of him. It was late in the evening and apart from a few fifth-years studying for their OWLs the common room was deserted. Ron and Hermione were on prefect duties - so they had said at least - so that left Ginny and Harry pretty much to themselves.

'Why would I know that?' he asked, brow furrowed. She had grown the habit of asking him questions about restricted books and ways of rule breaking and by now he was really suspicious to what she was up to.

'Come on,' she said, as she sat down beside him. 'I know you got one in your second year, and I'm sure I remember something about you lot sneaking into the library after hours in your first year. Don't try to look so innocent, because it doesn't work.'

At this Harry tried in vain to hide a blush. 'OK, well - what book do you want to get from there?'

'Sorry, can't tell you that!'

'Now, you don't really expect me to tell you how to get a forbidden book out of the restricted area illegally without knowing what all this is about? I mean it could be dangerous!'

Ginny shot him a look that told him very clearly what she thought of the danger, but nevertheless Harry suddenly shivered and remembered. He remembered all the dangerous things people had gotten into because of him: Ron being knocked out by a giant chess piece in first year because he followed him into a dangerous quest, Ron breaking his leg in the shrieking shack, Hermione and Ron nearly kissed by Dementors, Cedric killed, Sirius ... Harry broke eye contact with Ginny and willed his thoughts away from this before the image that haunted him every night in his dreams could come up during the day.

When he was able to look up without falling into the past again, he began almost casually, 'So, out of experience I can say that sneaking into the library by night isn't the wisest of ideas, even if you have certain items to help you.' There were still other students in the common room, so Harry didn't elaborate any further. 'I think there are only two sensible - if you can call any such operation sensible - ways to get a book out of there: Either get a very dumb teacher to sign for it, or fool a teacher into believing that there is something in that particular book you really should be studying. As there is no Lockhart here this year you'd have to try the latter.'

To Harry's bewilderment Ginny seemed to really think this over. After a while she nodded and murmured, 'I think I know whom I'm going to ask.'

'Glad that I could be of help,' Harry retorted sarcastically, still insulted that she hadn't told him what all this was about. Ginny looked baffled. 'Harry...' she started but just then something in Harry's pocket began whistling furiously. 'What's this, Harry?'

Harry blushed slightly. 'It's the pocket sneakoscope I got from Ron.'

'You still have that? Harry, you know these things go haywire for nothing at all!'

'Speaking of nothing, what did you just want to tell me that made it go haywire?' he asked suspiciously.

'You're being paranoid, Harry! Sneakoscopes are rubbish, everyone knows that, but because of that - thing,' she spat angrily, "you just accused me of betraying our friendship! Go on, Harry, go around and hurt the people who stand by you even in hard times! But one day you'll turn around and wonder where they have gone and you will realize that you pushed them away once too often!' And with one last look at Harry out of tear-filled eyes she stormed of towards the girls' dormitory.

'Ginny, wait!' - but she was already gone. An unsettling silence filled the common room and Harry suddenly noticed that all the other students had already left. He sat there for a long time, staring absentmindedly into the fire.

'You're right,' he whispered to himself. 'It's always my fault, isn't it? But in the end it doesn't matter - in the end I am alone!" And as the flames burnt down he finally got up and went to bed.

<<<>>>

Harry couldn't get Ginny's words out of his mind the next morning. Given that he was having Potions, this was quite dangerous but after everything that had happened last year he didn't care anymore if Snape was angry with him or not. In fact he didn't care much about anything anymore. Was he really pushing them all away? Yeah, he reflected, he was, but after all he didn't want to endanger them any further.

No - a tiny little voice inside his head that sounded very much like Ginny replied - you're pushing them away because you want to wallow in your self-pity and despair all alone!

Perhaps this was another reason, but this way they would not be hurt so much if the prophecy was fulfilled and he would die in the process.

But you hurt us! - the voice said fading away - You hurt us all the same!

Harry's attention snapped back to present when Ron reached over for some of the ingredients on Harry's desk and just then the Sneakoscope started to whistle again. Without thinking Harry tossed it into Malfoy's cauldron which then exploded and spilled its contents all over Malfoy and most of the nearby Slytherins. The Gryffindors cheered but were quickly silenced by an infuriated Snape. He strode over and with a swish of his wand vanished the spilled potion and began searching for the only one to blame. But the culprit was not to be seen. In all that chaos nobody had noticed Harry slipping out of the dungeons.

<<<>>>

Hey man, this was the first good idea you had in ages! - Harry thought as he marched up the stairs, turned around a corner - and collided with Ginny.

'Oh, I'm sorry!' Harry apologized, then, realising who she was, added, 'Ginny, it's you! What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in class?'

'Well,' she said with a twinkle in her eyes, 'we were just crystal gazing in Divination and I saw myself bumping into you on my way to McGonagall in the crystal ball, so I decided to get it over with.'

'You didn't!?'

'Yes I did! You can't deny I just collided with you, can you?' By now she was smiling broadly.

'Anyway, why did you head for McGonagall?' he inquired, deliberately changing subject.

'I need her to get me the book we talked about.'

'You really want to try and fool HER? Are you mad?' he asked incredulously.

'No, I'll tell her the truth.'

Harry was speechless, but only for a second. Then his temper rose again.

'You'll tell her what you wouldn't tell me?' he roared. 'What kind of friend are you?'

He could tell by the way her eyes went blank and her face lost all of its colour that he had hurt her. He had hurt her deeply. Without saying anything Ginny slowly turned and walked away. Harry did nothing to stop her. He couldn't, he was still too angry for that. But neither could he stop her voice in his head:

You hurt us! You hurt us all the same!

<<<>>>

That afternoon Harry found Ginny by the lake. He hadn't seen her all day and he really needed to apologize to her. She was sitting with her back against a tree. When he approached her from behind he heard something that made him stop. It was a soft lovely tune, coming from a flute or something similar he reckoned, and it sounded so lovely and healing but somehow sad all the same. He was immediately reminded of the Phoenix song. Cautiously he started walking nearer but Ginny heard him and put the flute away. Slowly, her face expressionless, she looked up to him.

'Ehm, Ginny, I just ... want to say that I'm sorry. I really am! I shouldn't ... have said what I did and shouldn't have ... mistrusted you in the first place! I'm just so ...' - he paused here - 'I'm sorry!'

To Harry's surprise she just smiled at him and said, 'It's okay, Harry, I'm not angry with you!'

'You're not?' he asked, unbelieving, as he sat down beside her.

'No, really!' She looked at him, then shifted her gaze back towards the lake. Harry was waiting for her to say more, but she seemed lost in thought. An awkward silence filled the air.

'So,' Harry began, 'did you get the book?'

She looked back at him with an expression Harry couldn't read. 'No. Professor McGonagall reckons talking to you might be the better solution.'

'Talking to me?' he asked, not understanding.

'Look,' she explained, 'the reason I wanted this book for is something called Emotion Potion. After taking this potion one can live out their suppressed feelings for four to five hours. I wanted to give this potion to you.'

Harry's mouth fell open.

'I know you have suffered so much,' she hasted on, 'that you fear if you let out only one bit of it, it will all come up and you'll break! But you wouldn't! On the other hand you will explode if you go on shutting your feelings in and everyone else out! It's all buried inside your heart, but your heart isn't supposed to be a graveyard! You can't go on like this!' She now had a pleading look on her face.

'So I thought this potion might actually help you, but McGonagall disagreed and by now I think she's right. I'm sorry, Harry!'

Harry just sat there, lost for words, and looked at her. After what seemed like an eternity he asked softly, 'You do care a lot about me?'

'We all care a lot about you!' she answered in the same tone.

After a while of quiet sitting together, Harry saw something stick out of Ginny's right pocket.

'What's this?'

Ginny pulled out the flute and gave it to Harry. 'This is a Feeling Flute. It senses the feeling you concentrate on and conveys it into music. Mum gave it to me after my first year. She said I probably had some nasty feelings to get out.'

'Is that what you played on when I came here?' he asked and cautiously moved his fingers over the holes in the flute.

'Yes, that's what I did. Go on, have a try! It's not difficult. The flute will tell your fingers what to do, just concentrate on a feeling and play!'

Harry looked unsure first, but then his eyes settled on a point on the other side of the lake and he put the flute to his mouth. Out came a squelching, piercing kind of noise that made Harry jump and look first at the flute, then at Ginny. But Ginny just nodded in understanding.

'Yeah, I know that one well. There's nothing wrong with playing it out, just do it somewhere no one can hear you. Try again and take a different feeling.'

Again his eyes focused on the lake when he put the flute to his mouth. This time it was a beautiful tune. Sad and heart-piercing - and beautiful. Harry played for how long he didn't know but when he stopped and looked at Ginny she had tears streaming down her cheeks and a sad smile on her face. Without speaking she leaned over and hugged him. Then she whispered, 'Please take the flute and use it!'

They parted and looked at each other. Harry was the first to notice the owl that was flying towards them. The dark brown barn owl landed graciously in front of him and Harry took the piece of parchment from its beak.

Dear Harry,

Come over to my cabin when you've got time. Got something for you.

Hagrid

Harry read the note out loud to Ginny and asked, 'Fancy a walk over the grounds?' She nodded and so the stood and headed over for Hagrid's. Hagrid had already seen them approach and came out to meet them.

'Ah, Harry, good yeh came over so fast. Got summat fer yeh here. He's really cute but Fang doesn' like him. Quite dangerous if they doesn' like each other. He ain't dangerous at all when he's on his own. Yeh get him with yeh an' he'll be fine!'

Hagrid looked positively pleased with himself as he held out a small box with holes in it. Wailing noises seemed to come from inside and the box itself was trembling.

'Hagrid,' Harry asked suspiciously, 'what exactly is this? You know, I'm not sure if I can take anything inside the castle that is supposed to be in the Forbidden Forrest.'

'Gulpin' gargoyles, Harry! What do yeh think of me?' he exclaimed. 'It's just a puffskein!'

Harry couldn't help laughing. Ginny looked at him, bewildered at the rare sound, but soon she joined in. He laughed till tears were streaming down his face. It felt like the first real laughter in years - and it probably was.

And just then a door deep inside Harry's heart burst open and made way for something he had buried a long time ago. In this very moment there was no Voldemort and no war and no prophecy. In this very moment there was just Harry - and Harry was happy!