Fate

Chapter 21 - A Lot of Things Change

Sirius was glad some things hadn't changed.

Reaching down, and feeling just as stupid as he had in his second year, Sirius grudgingly tickled the painting of the pear, instantly prompting the handle to appear. Straightening up, he pulled the secret door open, quickly stepping inside and out of the cold, dark hallway.

Careful not to make too much noise, Sirius shut the door behind him and tiptoed to the solitary table, in its custom place. He had no sooner sat down than a sleepy house elf raced up to him.

"Can we be getting you anything sirs?"

Sirius winced. He wasn't exactly hungry, but he knew that the house elves would be terribly desolated if he turned them down. He had never been too fond of house elves. Between Kretcher, who managed to make his life a living hell since he was born, and Dobby, who managed to make Harry's life a living hell during his second year, he had all but run out of his patience for them.

"Just whatever you have leftover," he managed. "A sandwich or something?"

Instantly, three more elves ran up with a plate of sandwiches and a six pack of butterbeer.

"Ah...thanks."

"Anything else sir?"

"No, no this is great, thanks."

Finally, the small creatures disappeared back into the shadows of the kitchen and all was silent again. Sirius looked around uncertainly, wondering why he had come here if he wasn't even hungry.

Sighing, he leaned back in his chair, forgetting the food on the table and trying to bask in the peace and quiet, neither of which he had had in quite a few years.

"Sirius?"

He jerked up, knocking the table and almost knocking the butterbeer off the table, but managed to reach his arm out, steadying it and turning towards the kitchen entrance to see a messy-haired James Potter standing there, shutting the door behind him.

Not now...Sirius thought desperately. I'm not ready yet...

Indeed, Sirius had been gearing up for some one-on-one time with James, something he had been dying to have for the last fifteen years. Now though, seeing his twenty year old best friend in pajamas and a robe, flopping down in the chair across from him, he felt like he was in Azkaban again...going mad...or worse...

"Hey, James," he managed, grabbing one of the butterbeers and popping it open, wishing now that he had asked for some firewhiskey.

Not like a school would have any anyway...

"Couldn't sleep?"

Sirius looked up and his heart jumped as he saw James smiling at him, the familiar smirk something he hadn't seen for a long, long time...

He did manage to keep control of himself though, and ruefully smiled back. "Obviously."

James chuckled and Sirius took another sip of butterbeer as he heard James grab a bottle and pop it open.

"So what's your excuse?" Sirius bravely said, trying to strike up conversation.

"Huh?" James yawned a bit and mussed up his hair.

"If I had a wife as pretty as yours I wouldn't just leave her in bed alone," Sirius said with a melancholy smile while James blushed.

"Ah, Lily fell asleep hours ago, but I kept waking up..." he leaned back in his chair and Sirius saw that it was the exact same movement that he himself did on numerous occasions. He wondered idly who had picked it up from who. "Too much on my mind I guess."

"Yeah, I know the feeling..." Sirius took another sip, thinking of actually calling the house elf back and asking it to go to the store and get him some firewhiskey. This stuff wasn't nearly strong enough.

They both stayed in silence for a few more moments until James spoke, his familiar voice helping to calm Sirius down a bit.

"I know that we've asked you this before, but..." Sirius looked up, curious as James cocked his head to the side, giving Sirius his familiar look of curiosity, "How was his life? Really? Not just the tidbits that he accidentally lets out."

Sirius closed his eyes, hardly daring to breath. This was the conversation that Sirius did not have any desire to delve into. How was one supposed to tell their best friend that their child had grown up fighting Basilisks, Dark Lords, murderers and an incompetent ministry? To top that off, how was one supposed to tell that friend that they had never even been there for their child? That no one had really ever been there for their child?

"Why do you want to know?" Sirius decided on, popping open another butterbeer, despite that he was already getting sick of it, and wondering, no, hoping, that it would at least get him a little tipsy.

"See, now," James held the butterbeer bottle in one hand and pointed a finger at Sirius, "that right there tells me a lot."

Sirius scowled. "You were always too nosy for your own good, James."

"And you weren't?" James shot back with a raised eyebrow. "Pardon me for saying it, but you're not as much fun when you're old."

Anger and hatred shot up through Sirius and he looked up, scowling at James. However, seeing his old friend's face, his temper seemed too cool right down again.

"Yeah, well, things change..." he took a small sip. "A lot of things change..."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James raise his eyebrow. "Maybe I would understand more if you would give me some hint as to what was so horrible that you broke the laws of time to change it."

Slowly looking up, Sirius saw genuine sincerity in his friend's eyes. James was not joking now, nor was he smiling.

"You don't think the fact that you and Lily died was enough?" he asked shrewdly.

James shrugged. "We had been dead for, what? Fifteen years?"

"Well, we didn't exactly know anything about the veil back then," Sirius remarked dryly. "And the little fact that I was shoved in Azkaban and Remus went into some major depression didn't help either."

"What about Harry?"

"What about Harry?"

"How did you end up meeting him? Did they find you not guilty or something?"

Sirius turned to James, curious. "No one's told you anything yet, have they?"

The older Potter raised an eyebrow. "Would I be asking these questions if they had?"

Sirius sighed again, remembering how sleepy he had been only hours ago, but had conveniently forgotten when he had reached a bed. Running a hand through his shoulder length, black hair, he did not look up as he spoke.

"I didn't get to see Harry again until he was thirteen, almost fourteen."

"Merlin...." James whispered. "Yes, I remember you saying that you were there for twelve years but...twelve bloody years!"

Sirius just snorted, finishing his second bottle of butterbeer, upset to find that he was not the least bit drunk yet.

"So how did you end up getting out?" James finally asked as he grabbed another bottle as well. Sirius felt them both getting into their familiar routine of the somewhat serious conversations they had begun having the last few years that James was alive.

Merlin, he missed those conversations.

"Escaped."

James spewed out the sip that he had been taking and coughed a few times. Sirius tried not to notice, though he grinned to himself, taking another sip and basking in the thought that he had finally taken James by surprise.

"What!?" James practically cried out. "What in bloody Merlin is that supposed to mean?"

Sirius leaned back farther, putting his legs up on the table, not smiling anymore. "I saw a picture of Peter in his rat form in a newspaper that someone had left for me."

"Pettigrew? He's still alive??"

Sirius scowled even harder, trying to figure out if throwing his current bottle of butterbeer would make him feel any better.

He decided it wouldn't.

"Yes." It was short and to the point and thankfully James knew Sirius well enough to back off for a bit.

"So when did you get cleared?" James said, trying to switch the subject.

Sirius snorted, letting his chair fall back onto its four legs and finishing the bottle of butterbeer. Ugh, he'd be getting a stomach ache before he got drunk off this stuff.

"I never did get cleared."

"What?"

"Do I keep mumbling or something?"

"Sirius, try and be your mature self again for a moment and tell me what you're bloody talking about!"

Deciding that he might as well do it, now that the bottle was empty, Sirius chucked it at the nearest wall that was conveniently right next to them. The sound of the glass shattering made Sirius wince and he wondered if he was in fact getting drunk.

James, however, didn't move and didn't speak, waiting for Sirius to make the first move, no doubt.

How very James-like...Sirius thought. He knows me too bloody well...and I know him too bloody well to think that I'm leaving without telling him.

"I'm still on the run James, even when I got back out of the veil," Sirius started. It seems James was keeping his mouth shut again, so Sirius pressed on, wanting to get this out before he lost his nerve. "I escaped during Harry's third year, after finding out that Pettigrew was still alive. I spent the next ten months looking for the rat and trying to get into Hogwarts, as that's where he was hiding."

"At Hogwarts? Was Dumbledore blind?"

"Only to the Maruaders it seemed. Wormtail was posing as a kid's rat, one of Harry's best friends, actually."

Sirius heard James growl low in his throat. It seemed that the young marauder had already developed a keen hatred for Peter Pettigrew that Remus and Sirius had been building up for years.

"I finally managed to grab the boy, while he was holding Peter and drag him into the Whomping Willow."

James frowned. "How does that work with you being an escaped criminal and all?"

"I was Padfoot at the time. Though, knowing Harry's nature and his feeling's towards me, I transformed back into myself inside the shack and when he came in to help his friends, I confronted him."

His friend seemed thoroughly intrigued. "So Harry does break rules. Alright, that's a start at least."

Sirius rolled his eyes but kept going, playing with one of the empty bottles in his hands, tossing it back and forth.

"Harry, at the time, believed me to be the murderer of his parents. Merlin, even Remus showed up and I wasn't sure that either of them would believe me. But somehow, through reason's I'm still not clear of, Harry had the map, and Remus had seen Peter's name on it."

"The map!" James breathed in awe. "Blimey, we still don't know where that thing is....and to think, my son ended up with it, after all those years..."

Sirius cracked a small grin, but still didn't look up at James. "Yeah, crazy that old magic worker 'Fate'? She's made a mess of my life, I can tell you that..." he sighed and finally looked up, trying not to sink into the past too much. "As if the situation was going too well for me, that's when Snape had to show up..."

"Snape?" James frowned. "What was he doing at Hogwarts?"

"Teacher," Sirius snorted. "He wasn't too happy, as you could imagine, but to both Remus and my surprise, Harry and his friends took him out, completely and efficiently, knocking him cold. He didn't speak again for the rest of the night."

Sirius grinned at seeing James' proud expression.

"By that time I had Remus convinced, but Harry wasn't sure still, so Remus and I forced Peter back into his human form and he confessed then and there, squealing on the ground like a bloody baby..." Sirius wanted to grin, but found himself frowning instead.

"So that's it then? You took Pettigrew up to the castle and got cleared right?"

Sirius' upper lip twitched. "No."

"No?"

"Well, we had a little problem when Moony showed up."

James paled. "Oh my gosh..."

Sirius nodded dumbly. "I managed to save the kids, turning into Padfoot and chasing Moony away, but Pettigrew..." Sirius scowled. "He got away."

They were both silent again and Sirius faintly heard a clock in the distance strike to three.

"At least you had Harry then, and Remus," James said softly, though Sirius could tell by the deadness in his voice that he was feeling a lot of sorrow for his friend.

"Yeah..."

Sirius was eyeing the remaining bottle of butterbeer, contemplating trying to get drunk one more time when James broke the silence once more.

"So why did you do it?"

Sirius started, turning and looking, really looking, for the first time at his old friend. James had another curious expression on his face and seemed to almost be looking right through Sirius, as if he already knew what he was going to say.

"What?"

"You travel back through time, having this big plan to save your friends and your fiancé and...and for what, Sirius?"

Sirius finally felt the first tear gather in his eye, but Merlin forbid he was going to let it fall.

"You wouldn't understand..."

"Make me!" James hollered, standing up and shaking the table a bit. Sirius looked up in surprise but was shocked into silence and stillness when he saw that James was not holding his tears back. Flowing freely down his face, Sirius tried to remember the last time he had seen James cry.

He couldn't remember.

"It's a war James," Sirius said softly, looking directly into his friend eyes. "It's a war going on back where I came from."

"There's a war here, Sirius," James said through gritted teeth. "There are people dying every day...good people. That doesn't give us a reason to...to mess up the space time continuum!"

"No, James, the good reason comes when it rests on the head of one Harry James Potter, who is the only person in this war who is going to be able to defeat Voldemort!" Sirius stood, matching James intimidating pose. "This boy has grown up with no love in his life, you have to understand that! I'm sure - I know that you and Lily gave him plenty of love...but he," the accursed tear fell, "he lost you James. We all did. You and Lily were gone, and Harry was left with nothing, not even his own stupid Godfather who had promised to take care of him no matter what!"

James seemed to finally be getting the point and he had sat back down, more and more tears running down his cheeks.

"You and Lily died to save him, leaving on him the protection of love, which is, what Dumbledore believes was going to be his best weapon against Voldemort. But James...James..." Sirius finally had to sit back down as well and another tear fell down his cheek. "That boy....that boy has never experienced love. He doesn't even know, really, what it is. Sure, he's heard about you two and heard people say they care about him; friends and professors..." Sirius broke eye contact and dropped his head, shutting his eyes to stop the tears. "I don't think he even knows how much I love him..."

"He wouldn't have been able to do it, James," Sirius said, looking back up. "Don't you see? He wouldn't have 'power the Dark Lord knows not', because he himself wouldn't know that power!"

Sirius finally snapped, and though he didn't sob, tears streamed down his face and he buried his head in his arms not wanting James to see...thinking about all the terrible things that he had just told his best friend...thinking about all the terrible things he had left out and those that were left to come.

A hand touched his shoulder and he jumped up again, to look right into James hazel eyes, looking at him with a few tears glistening in them.

"Don't, Sirius."

"What?"

"I know what you're doing, and I want you to stop it right now."

Sirius frowned, taking a few deep breaths to calm his breathing and looking curiously at his friend.

"You're blaming yourself Sirius. Blimey, are you ever going to stop doing that? Do you really think I would blame you for anything that happened in Harry's life?"

Sirius blinked in surprise. Actually, he had thought a lot about what James would have thought about his role in Harry's life, though most of those nightmares ended with James hexing the heck out of him and spitting on his crumpled form.

Nothing like this, though.

He couldn't think of what to say, so he nodded dumbly. This seemed to please James enough, for he leaned back and rested his chin on his propped up hand, gazing off into the nothingness, going into one of his 'contemplation modes' as Sirius used to call it.

Regaining his dignity from falling apart in front of his best mate, Sirius snatched up the last butterbeer and flipped the top off, taking small sip out of it and trying to not look too interested in what James was thinking about.

"So you came back...to save me and Lily..." James whispered, so softly that Sirius almost didn't hear. "Did you think of these consequences?"

Sirius sighed and held a hand to his forehead. "I never thought it would get this far..."

James looked over at him, probably surprised that he was admitting it.

"But," Sirius held up a finger to stop James from saying anything, "As bad as this looks right now, James, nothing, nothing is worse than that world that Harry, Remus and I came out of."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Silence.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Sirius."

"Yeah...me too."

----

Albus Dumbledore was just about to finally go up to his living quarters to rest, when his fire flamed to life, startling him a bit, but even more as he saw who came out of it.

Severus Snape, dressed in black robes that Albus knew all too well and a loose mask hanging around his neck, walked carefully from the fireplace. Albus watched with fear and fascination as Severus placing his wand on Albus' desk calmly, leaving his hand over it for a second as if willing it to not move. He paused for a moment before he finally looked up at his old headmaster.

Severus' eyes were hollow and black, missing any sign of happiness in him that Albus had always hoped the boy would find. Indeed, Albus still remembered the conversation they had had, and the reactions on both sides

"I wish you luck with your future Severus. If all else fails, I'm sure we would be pleased to accept you as a teacher here. No doubt your skills at potions would be a great help to our school," Albus said gently to his most unusual and quite talented student.

Severus Snape had never particularly shown in any way that he liked his headmaster, but Albus had seen in him something that set him apart, however slightly, from his fellow Slytherins, most of who, Albus knew, would be joining Voldemort's forces that night in an initiation ceremony that Albus' spies had yet to locate.

"Thank you, headmaster, but with my parent's death I am going away for a while to try and...find myself," Severus said carefully.

Albus noticed his hesitation but did not comment on it. "Indeed? Then I will let you go join your classmates. Good luck, m'boy."

After shaking hands, Severus started out of the room, but quickly, before he lost all hope, Albus, caught up with him, reaching out and touching his shoulder.

Severus looked around in surprise and a bit of fear, but Albus just smiled gently.

"Severus, I want you to promise me that if you ever need help, help of any kind..." he paused, "that you will not hesitate to come to me."

The Slytherin seemed confused for a few moments, but straightened out his expression and solemnly nodded towards his headmaster. "I will...Thank you, sir."

Albus had not seen Severus since that night, and looking at him now, he could not help but hold his breath as he hoped.

Severus' voice was scratchy and raw, sounding as though he had either been shouting for a long period of time, or hadn't talked in days.

"Professor Dumbledore...I...I need your help."